Summer.....is coming.

Next week at this time the kids will be done with school.  They have one week left.  We will transition into the summer routine, which involves later bedtime, later wake-up time, and a very creative and flexible work week for mom.  Precious will take a break from day care and instead, have some friends and family providing her care.  That could be interesting....

We will sit at ball games, and grill food, and swim in our backyard pool.  We will mow the lawn and go for walks and hopefully visit my parents who live on the lake.  I long for the peaceful chair at the end of their dock.  The boys will wear the same favorite shorts and t-shirts for 4 days in a row and I won't care.  I won't even ask how long it has been since they showered....(the pool has chlorine).  Claire will babysit alot to pay for dance....and she will dance....and she will bike to the coffee shop to meet her friends, and go places and do things with the friends she loves most all summer.  Precious will grow from 3 to 4....so that in August she can turn 4.  Hopefully she will resolve some issues over the summer....with the help of some sensory intervention, and prayer, and time.  There will be basketball camp, and soccer camp, and dance practice for nationals.  There will be summer school and archery and football camp.  There will be dance camp and company try-outs and the youth group trip.  There will be a week of vacation with Nana Barb and Grandpa Rick to a quiet lake in Minnesota with family....and hopefully there will be lots and lots of photos and memories and relationship-building.  Roger and I will try to savor every moment, and hold hands once in a while, and smile....because we are so, so blessed.  We may or may not be adopting again.  God gets to decide.  In the mean time, summer is beckoning me.  Me.  Not us.  Me.  I'm coming.

processing

Sometimes I can't write a blog post because of the confusion regarding who I am writing to.  My soul is churning in that way that tells me I need to purge....but then I am reminded of who reads this thing regularly....and the burden of that is heavy.  I think: well, find a good bible verse and share thoughts on it that inspire....that will be helpful and encouraging to so-and-so....or I think, well, if mom-in-law is reading and I write something dark and tawdry, she will worry.....etc.

Who the heck am I writing this for anyway?  Short answer:  me.  I'm writing it for me.  If I didn't blog, I'd be writing in a journal or diary....and once I started blogging I quit doing that.  So.  It's raw.  It's me.  And yet.....I've been called to make it public.  For now.  So.  It is what it is and its very weird to not feel like I owe an explanation or anything for what I write.  After all...no one is paying me to write.  Succinctly I will say this.  If you don't like it, stop reading it.

I'm quite messed up regarding this new fork in the road for us regarding our adoption.  We both felt strongly called by the Lord to pursue this adoption and we KNEW that it was a long shot, and yet, we were believing in a powerful, generous, good, faithful God who could do amazing things that didn't look possible.  We still follow that same God, but the path is a bit uncertain, now.  The problems lie in our family size and the rules of the country our little flower is found in.  We can't change either of those things, therefore, its not a lack of faith issue.  So what is it?  I've prayed repentance prayers.  I've prayed "bring us dreams and visions" prayers.  I've sat in listening prayer. I don't believe we are out of God's will in this.  ( I have some experience in this arena and I know what it feels like to be out of God's will.  This is not it.  Trust me.)

So....what is this then?  We are busy, and financially stressed, and happy and content.  We don't need more kids to complete us.....and I can say that for myself because I KNOW that the Lord himself completes me.  But I pray regularly that God will line my desires up with His, and that my Will will be His....and I am constantly brought back to the care and love and rescue and adoption of His children....so now what?  We don't see changing to another country....and we can't quite fathom adopting a newborn at our ages....so we just don't know what to say.  There is no rush.  We have time.  We have plenty to do as we wait for a new direction.

Closed doors, and the word "no" from God make me more compassionate to my children when they receive discipline.  No is hard.  It is really difficult to respectfully accept "the no"....but there is also peace in it.  Someone else is making decisions and has a bigger bank of wisdom and authority and that someone also cares more about me than I can imagine.  That's what I tell my kids....and that's what God also tells me.

Waves of sadness crash in on me at random times and I feel like I can't swallow them fast enough....and then I cry or I swallow tears.  Thoughts and fear and doubt and insecurity are lurking everywhere....and they make me tired.  No one else in this house feels quite the same way I do...and my family and friends who love me can say things they think will help....but their words do not help me.  There is no help right now.  There is only the walking through it....and the hope that whatever is on the other side is better than where I am today.  This motivates me to not stay here....but to move forward.

The world needs generosity....and my little world is no exception.  It's hard when generosity is compromised by grief.  I guess my prayer for now, is that someone else can step up generously and I can have a pass for a bit.

en

Last week on Mother's Day, we had lunch at my uncle's place.  He's a cowboy with horses, wide-open spaces and a hay barn.  My little birds indulged me and let me take a few pictures of them all together.  Gosh....they are growing up really fast.  I love being their mama.  I'm so grateful to get to do life with them.  We don't really know if our nest is full and complete or not right now....but the  birds who live here are my gift, my challenge, my blessing, my hope and my future, no matter what. 

And yes....that is a purple feather hanging from Precious' head.  She chose her outfit.  She's three.

So....I'm in awe of the beauty of the butterflies and he is enjoying a game of "staring them down"....to each his own I guess.

this is one of my favorites from the butterfly house tour today.  I really enjoyed my field trip day with the third graders and my sweet boy, Jeremiah.

butterflies make me happy

Creator God made everything so interesting and unique.... 

 

on a happier note....

 

Blogging has become not just my way to be creative, and to feel like a writer....but its more than that.  It's my way to communicate with many people, in a way that requires much fewer conversations.  I'm calling that card tonight, as well as the card named "answer to my prayers"....because when we get answers, it is my duty to my humble little blog, to record them.

We are in the beginning of an adoption miscarriage.  We found out some things today that feel like closing doors for us, in terms of bringing our flower home from the mountain.  There is peace in it, because we knew that if doors closed, that it was God's way of telling us that we were faithful to pursue this child, but that the plan was not to bring her home.  I don't know how to have this conversation with anyone in person, so my cowardice allows me to just lay it out here.  Waves of grief and frustration crash in on me, and I cry....and then I regroup and I'm fine.  Just like when I miscarried a child over a decade ago, while others could be supportive and compassionate (including my husband) no one feels this like I do.  It is what it is.  Sometimes, the answer is "no".

I may or may not write more in the days to come....for now, it just feels like a slower bleed if I just put it out here for tonight.  Please, don't send over casseroles and food....but do pray.  please.  I'm running out of prayer words this week.  When I pray, it will be more like a bended knee and a bowed head and and quiet "okay".   

Ladysmith Black Mambazo - How Long

20 years ago this was a group I listened to a lot.  I don't know where my CD is now...so I'm grateful for YouTube.  So, so good.

finally-spring!