The mercies of God....here are a few.

It is by God's mercy that He sent Jesus to die for me. He died for me so that every time I screw up, if I fix my eyes on the cross and repent, I am forgiven. I get to try again. Mercy.

It is God's mercy that the summer thunderstorms with tornadoes split and dissipated before reaching the camp where my daughter was last week. Mercy.

It is God's mercy that moved my husband's heart to grant me my deep desire to have a child through adoption. Mercy.

It is God's mercy that allowed me to go shopping by myself last week and find not one but two swimsuits that I could wear in public this summer. Seriously, it counts as mercy.

It is God's mercy that brought me to a place where I could pray with a friend halfway around the world and join hands and words to Love the Lord and cry out for His children...as I prepared to sleep and she prepared to start her day. Mercy.

It is mercy that gave me a job that makes me feel like a mama but honors the calling I have as a nurse. Mercy.

It is mercy that I lay my head on the pillow each night with peace and wake up with the pleasure of knowing that each day starts with God, moves with God and ends with His benediction over my life. Mercy. Mercy. Mercy.

It is mercy that none of this has anything to do with me and everything to do with Him. Holy Him, Alpha and Omega and all that fills the space between. Mercy.

camp

well, we got the campers all home. Claire had a blast and said, "I wanted to come home to see my family but I really didn't want to leave camp. I like learning about God and stuff." Best response I could have hoped for! she came home with a zillion mosquito bites and a sunburn. Don't know which was worse, my mommy response or my public health nurse response. Those teenager counselors didn't keep very good track of my baby's skin!

I unpacked her stuff right away and got to the ziploc bag that held her shampoo, wash cloth and scrubbie and I said, "so how gooey and yuck is this washcloth after a week?" "Oh! I never saw that in there. Was that in there the whole time?" YIKES! "What did you bathe with, daughter dear?" "The shampoo in the little boxes in the shower, mom". Ew, ew, ew. Later she confessed she only bathed once or twice all week. That's camp!

I remember coming back from camp and feeling a let down, going from lots of God-talk and wow-encounters to the daily grind of life...we didn't talk alot about God at my house. Before I got the kids from camp I went to a christian book store and got Isaac his own age-appropriate bible and Claire a devotional and a christian fiction novel. It was a splurge but well worth it. We were able to sit together in the evening friday and do one-on-one devotions, just me with each child. We haven't missed a day yet, simply because the kids ask me to sit and do their devotions with them. So cool. Hope we can keep it up!

OK, my youngest son is begging me for some attention. We're off to fix a puzzle together.

Claire

I have to write about claire this morning. She's been gone all week at bible camp and we all miss her alot. My husband just left for work and said, "Bring our Claire home"..."I won't come home without her" I responded. Claire means 'bright light, brilliant" and that is truly what she is. She is lively and passionate and sensitive. She is very sweet, although at age nine, I'm seeing some teenager sassiness that makes me growl and smile all at once, knowing that she is just learning some independence, testing her wings a bit. Last night I went for a long walk and I was praying for her, that her last night at camp would be rich with things of God, experiencing meaningful things to take home and add to her already blossoming walk with the Lord. I considered how far she has come in her young life. When Claire was born, she was wide-eyed and alert, easily overstimulated and very, very attached to her mama. My mom and I were the only ones who could hold her without her fussing and fretting. She would go to her dad, but only if me or Nana were not around. For the first 2 years of Claire's life, she was stuck to me like a bandaid. If I pulled her off, it hurt. She had no history of trauma or illness or attachment issue and yet she needed me. All the time. It was exhausting. She stood outside the shower and cried every time I bathed....she drained me emotionally. And she trained me. Claire just needed more. I learned to put my needs aside momentarily, I learned to be patient and to have empathy for her emotional frailty...she didn't want to feel that way, she was just very, very needy. She made me a mama. It's the best thing I've done so far. She raised the bar very high. Claire was created to make sure I was a good mama, not just any old lady that could bear children. It is hard to be Claire's mama because she expects my best and lets me have it when I give less. Last week was hard for both of us as we prepared for her to go to camp. She cried every day, saying, "what am I going to do without you for 5 days!" I reassured her on the outside, but inside, I felt the same way! So here we are, on the morning of the last day and I can hardly wait to go get her. Yet, I need to pause here and just marvel at the fact that my little velcro baby, who I once thought would NEVER get off my lap, has been at camp without her parents for 5 days. wow. Guess all that attachment and reassurance and self-denial paid off. I am so proud of her. I'm sure she was homesick and I'm sure there were tears but she did it. She made it. She can make it without her mom. She can make it with God. Thank you, Jesus! To all you tired and burned-out mamas out there, draw strength from the Lord, press in to your little one with love and patience and invest the time now. They will reward you later! Choose love over personal comfort every chance you get....

one of the older ones...

The Fountain

If I come to the fountain
To quench my thirst, my cup
My cup must be empty first.

How do I empty the cup you gave?
I pour out your love
It’s not for me to save-

I have to believe as I share this cup
This hand to hold, this gift to give
This burden to lift, this gospel to share-

I have to have faith that each time I do,
You fill my cup, you quench my thirst
You lead me back to the fountain.

You lead me back to the fountain
I hold out my cup, you fill it up
I empty it out, I come back again

To the fountain, the fountain of life.

Niki
Oct 2007

a mama bird

Who are you today? Today I am a mama bird. I have a big nest (messy, but good-size) high up in a tree. My nest is safe and sturdy and roomy and filled with the things my baby birds need to live and grow and thrive. I keep flying in and out of my nest, checking on things, moving things around, adding and subtracting...busy, busy, busy. My baby birds are out exploring so I am very nervous. I just want them all in the nest. One is at the sitter, one is at day camp and will be home safe and sound by afternoon, the other baby bird is gone for the week and I miss her alot...and then there's that spot, that empty spot, that waiting spot, for one or two or more baby birds to find their home....I'm a mama bird who'd restless and waiting....the daddy bird does his part and goes out forraging, flying, protecting and doesn't worry so much. I stick closer to the next and keep checking it over, flying in and out, settling, shuffling, rearranging.

at camp

I drove my kids to camp today. This morning Isaac went for day camp ( back and forth every day) and in the afternoon, Claire went with 4 other girls. She will stay all week. I wrote her some notes to read throughout the week. I wrote about how proud I was of her, how I hope she has fun and makes lots of friends and learns about Jesus. I wanted to write that I would miss her so much that it makes my arms hurt. I wanted to write that I wished I had not signed her up because I would rather have her home at night. She was really worried about bedtime and not being able to get to sleep in unfamiliar surroundings. We will be praying that sleep comes easily and peacefully for Claire and the other girls.

As we were driving away, we ( my sister in law and I) saw the girls waiting in the heat to be allowed into the pool. Their discomfort and impatience was so clear. It occured to me that going away for a few nights without parents may be a good thing. If I was there, she would complain and whine and fuss if she was uncomfortable. Without me standing beside her, she will learn self-control, hardiness and patience that is not possible for me to teach her, as her mom. She will experience the Lord in fresh ways and stretch her comfort zone, her familiar world, her safety net. That's pretty great. I will miss her enough to appreciate her more when I see her again Friday.

Claire is on God time this week. I need to focus on my other two children, loving them up and paying attention. I hope to take them swimming, to ball games and snuggle in bed with picture books. I hope to get a few good work days in to help pay for the gas and camp bills and maybe a half day of shopping by myself before I round them up on friday.

We have no baby news to report yet but I am living in the hope that maybe soon we will. My arms are really aching to hold a baby again.

Fathers Day

Happy Fathers Day! It's sort of a crazy salutation since I doubt very much that any fathers read these things...other than the husbands of the bloggers. I'll post it anyway because my husband will read mine. Here's why I love Fathers Day:
1. Its on a Sunday and I do love a good Sunday.
2. I get to deliberately thank my husband for his fathering. He can do baths, play wii, fix supper ("fix", not cook), teach children to throw and catch and kick and shoot and dribble and block all sorts of balls. He is very patient and seldom loses his temper. He can sleep through anything but can spring from bed in an instant if someone is throwing up or crying. He works hard at his job so that we can have the things we need in life, and some of the things we want, too! He doesn't mind watching kids' movies. He gives really good hugs. He loves Jesus and he is the same on the inside as he is on the outside...he has no hidden agenda unless it is to suprise me with a treat of some kind. He shows our children in the mundane things and the huge things what it means to be a loving father and husband...this day is for him, for sure.
3. I get to honor my own dad even though I'm a grown up and parenting looks different now. My dad has a really big heart and time and love seem to bring out his best.
4. I think of Fathers Day and I think of the greatest father of all, our Father God. Perfect, patient, powerful, purposeful and the author and perfector of all that is love. Thank you, Lord, for being the best model out there. May we always reach for you and strive to do it your way.

I listened to a sermon today about the biblical mandate to care for orphans and widows. I was encouraged, excited, humbled and wrecked before the Lord. How does that happen with just a smidge of attentiveness? Yesterday an 80-year old woman stood at the mic at a Christian women's club meeting I spoke at and shared that in Haiti recently 4 witch doctors gave their lives to Jesus. How do I offer a sacrifice of praise for that? I went to a harp and bowl worship service tonight and as we ended, we sang "I exult thee..." over and over again. I didn't want to stop singing or hearing. The last chord ended and I felt the Spirit of God linger and I didn't want the moment to pass. But it did.

about worship

I don't know much about religion. What I do know doesn't thrill me. I never went to a bible school and I really stink at scripture referencing. What I do know, is that Jesus is my Savior. He lives in my heart. The Holy Spirit is my ever present help and friend and guide and counsel and I would be nowhere good without Him. Here's what I know about worship.

Worship is when I stand in my kitchen with a sad song playing on the stereo and I sway back and forth with my too big son in my arms. He nuzzles into my neck and I rock back and forth and I feel the love of God. It's mercy and grace and gratitude and responsibility and it smells like a little boy.

Worship is when I sit at a coffee shop and I notice a woman at the counter who touches and appreciates a fresh bouquet of flowers before she orders her tea. It's noticing the little things and praising God that someone else noticed them first.

Worship is the fellowship of suffering. It's feeling very sad when I know the Heart of God is very sad because of unrepented sins of man, selfishness and my personal thorn...when someone steps on someone else for selfish gain, hurting another human being.

Worship is feeling the cool breeze when a cloud floats across the sky, blocking the sun for a brief moment. It is relief. It is release.

Worship is reading a scripture and feeling God underline it, promise it and mandate that I pray into it and believe it and hope in it. Because He is God and He wrote it. Because despite the ways of the world, this world is NOT my home and I belong to HIM and HIS WORDS and life and hope and songs to me.

at the zoo Memorial weekend.

sometimes mom and dad actually make it in a picture!

little boys at the big lake a few weeks ago.

I got to deliver a stroller to a young mom today that was donated by someone who read the request on my blog. How cool is that! This young mom was blown away by the generosity of the giver. Thank you, Amy, for giving your stroller to her! They planned to go to Sioux City saturday and wander around the mall just to get out of the house and see other people. She was so excited to have a nice big stroller with a basket underneath for the diaper bag, a seat that tipped back when her daughter fell asleep....she was delighted which delighted me. Thank you for the gift of delight in the middle of a work day!

I had an incident today. I was driving out of a back alley of my work office shortly after noon and was calling my sitter to say I was on the way to get the kids. I heard a scream and looked out the drivers side window just milliseconds before a young girl slammed into the side of my car with her bike. She was chugging along, not expecting a car to come out of the alley. I was cruising along, not expecting a girl to crash into my drivers side door....needless to say, the girl, her mom and sister and I were all rattled and upset. I think I hugged her 3 times, looked her over and confirmed what she was saying, that she was fine. Her mom checked her over good, too. Wow. How quickly things can change! Fortunately, all is well but I know that often the outcome is not as good. The rest of the day, as I drove my car, I heard the crunch of the crash, the scream of the girl and felt so vulnerable. I felt like every car on the road could assault us and was nervous for my kids' safety. The damage is minimal-a dent and a deep scratch shaped like a handle bar just above the door handle...but the warning was well-placed. Be careful. Be grateful. Be safe.

I feel compelled to write about sabbath rest again. It's sunday. It's the end of Sunday and that is so sad. The work week revs up again in a few short hours. Sigh. I need to quit working on mondays. That's all there is to it! Today we did the traditional sunday stuff, church in the morning, well-rounded meal at noon, relaxing, golf for my hubby. It was a lovely mild summer day. Here's the thing. We had many options for things to do tonight and they were all good. We chose to stay home. My hubby left it up to me and I determined that I do not want to feel busy at the end of the weekend. I chose to do less. We scrounged up supper, took a long bike ride with the kids, played in the back yard awhile, watched the last of the Lakers game and called it a good day. In choosing to do less rather than more tonight, it occurred to me that very, very soon we will be really busy. Lord willing, we will get a call and go get a baby very soon. Lord willing, we will be exhausted, stressed and not at all relaxed. So tonight I'm gonna stay up as long as I want to, savor the silence of my home while the children sleep and know that it is gonna change. It really feels like it is gonna change very soon. Is it a nudge from God or sheer desparation and sick of waiting....only He knows!

Recently I sat through 2 meetings and learned about the difference between the sphere of influence and the sphere of concern. Both were about boundaries and how to have healthy boundaries. Sphere if concern is broad and encompasses a long list of things I care about and have feelings about. Sphere of influence is inside of it and is the short list of what I can actually make a difference with. Because I tend to aim low and underpromise, my sphere if influence is always underestimated on purpose. Its that line between the two that I find intensely curious. How do we distinguish between influence and concern? Daily. Situationally. I guess that's why I pray. That's my line. It bleeds into both circles. Thank you Lord for the avenue of prayer that keeps me from going absolutely nuts.

Last night my husband and I went to help my uncle. He is 45 (ish)-sorry Todd, can't remember if you're 45 or 46! He's been a quadraplegic for 24 years, following a car accident 5 days after his wedding at age 21. (He is no longer married.) Initially he could use his arms, just not his hands and could drive, eat, etc. with assistance. Time and gravity and disease process have slowly robbed him of these independences and now his on a ventilator all the time, uses a puffer wheel chair and relies on others for absolutely everything his intact mind wants to see happen. Despite being a prisoner in his own body, he has an amazing will to live and to love and to experience the abundant life. He knows and loves the Lord and God has used him time and time again to inspire others. He has been on the brink of death more times than I even can remember or count, yet he fights to live every time. So he lives with his mom, my grandma who is 83 and takes care of him with the help of home care nurses and aides. His 2 night aides are out of commission right now so the family is stepping up and helping. Last night was my turn to go and learn how to put Todd to bed. I used to do it all the time but had not since he went on the vent full-time. After a couples bible study evening, we drove over. Its a scary and tedious process to remove a 6 foot 4, completely immobile man from a high tech wheelchair so even turning off the vent and getting the arm and leg rests disconnected was really complicated. We got him on the lift and I maneuvered him from the chair to the bed but the trouble comes in those moments when we're getting him to the bed. He can't breathe. At all. I was nervous and scared to do something wrong and Grandma was flustered with all these other people around asking "what do I do next" and there were a few precious, horrible moments when he was looking me in the eyes and his face was blue and I couldn't move fast enough and fumbled around with that dumb vent tubing.....life is so fragile. In moments, had we not gotten the vent on and connected to his trach, had grandma not done what she does every day of her life to move air through his useless lungs...Todd would have been gone. He is at the mercy of whatever pathetic person chooses to walk into his room and handle his ventilator. Life is so fragile. Dignity is so precious. It is all so worth it. I know some people are in the pit of dispair right now, but fight your way out. Please. There are those among us who fight for every day they get to breathe and are grateful and hopeful and reaching for more of life every day. Fight dispair and cling to Hope.

No adoption news to report.
My heart is heavy today for several women in my life who are experiencing heartache, dispair and frustration with things of the world. Sin, guilt, shame, disappointment and many other labels that come from the father of lies, the devil are causing pain and it makes me mad. It makes me hate evil and sin and sorrow. It makes me know the monsters I battle in the spiritual realm even better. It also makes me so glad to know and love Jesus and to wait and welcome the day when He will come back and blast satan out of this world and restore everything to the way He created it to be. It makes me excited for judgement and healing and truth to win once and for all! As I listened the the breaking heart of a friend last night, this scripture echoed in my mind. I didn't share it because she is really ticked at God right now but I'll post it here.
Hebrews 12:22-24: But you have come to Mount Zion, to the heavenly Jerusalem, the city of the living God. You have come to thousands upon thousands of angels in joyful assembly, to the church of the firstborn, whose names are written in heaven. You have come to God, the judge of all men, to the spirits of righteous men made perfect, to Jesus the mediator of a new covenant, and to the sprinkled blood that speaks a better word than the blood of Abel."

Yesterday: what I did-worked, got a massage, ordered pizza and sat at a softball game
what I should have done-put away laundry and worked out
what I hoped to do-get in the Word and pray longer
Today: what I did-worked and wrestled with the social injustices of the oppressed
what I should have done-walked for 60 rather than 30 minutes
what I hoped to do-put away piles and piles of laundry (my washer and dryer kept their end of the bargain the other night)
Tomorrow: what I plan to do-deliver food to a hungry family, exercise and wrap up my work week
what I should do-every thing I did not do all week long
what I hope to do-take a call from my social worker saying we have a baby...

tonight I'm staying up too late and instant messaging friends and blogging and watching pathetic reality tv...I have mandated some "me" time. I didn't ask for it, I demanded it. I just need an hour or two in my own home while its quiet and noone is asking me for anything. I am operating under the ruse that I need to wait for the laundry to finish its cycle to switch it before I go to bed. Run long, good dryer who is not efficient or economical or "green". Spin an extra cycle, very old washing machine, and wring out every last drop of moisture from the clothes...take your time so I can have mine!

All these pictures were from our trip to northern California last year for my birthday. I took them but the credit must go to my mom's amazing camera and God's fabulous artwork. I just pushed the button.

from Revelation 4

Here's something I wrote awhile back. Hope you like it.

The Throne Room:
The throne room is occupied, He has taken His seat.
A sea of glass shines at His feet.
Sea glass was garbage-things we didn't need.
God gathered the waste now like crystal, changed and freed.
Four creatures sing praises, they worship God,
Bowing down. Twenty-four elders sit around Him
In white robes and gold crowns.
They cast their crowns before the King-how can we do the same?
What sets upon our heads to give?
Can we revere His Holy name?
The four living creatures have many eyes
They see all there is to see.
They sing day and night of God's holiness
They give thanks and honor and glory...
What are we doing with all of our days?
Are we wasting the moments we could be giving praise?
The throne room of God, such a worshipful place...
There is nothing more urgent than to be in G0d's amazing grace.
To stand at His feet, to kneel before His might,
To bow before His power, to sing in Holy light-
To hear the peals of thunder like drum beats keeping pace,
To flinch as bolts of lightning flash before our face.
To never say "It's just too much, I have to turn away"
To always find new songs of joy and always get to stay
In such a place of honor, the throne room of our King,
Our jealous God will never tire of anything we bring
To the throne room.

It's saturday morning and we are half way through the dance recital weekend. Claire did great on her solo part so thank you to those out there who prayed for her. She has her last performance to go tonight. In bed, she mentioned that it seems crazy to practice one song for so long, just to perform it one time. She's nine, so we didn't get too deep at 11:00 pm about the philosophy of practice. (Oh, she's heard plenty of it with piano lessons, violin, dance, etc.) What I want her to think about today, and what I will say to her, is that it is just as much about the journey to get to the performance. That's the lesson of living, not just the lesson of life in retrospect. I want her to think about everything she learned, enjoyed, struggled with and remembered along the way to this dance performance. We all know it is the journey, not the destination but the only way we know that is to learn it over and over and over through our experiences...and through our children, for those who have them.

I've waited 29 years to fulfill my dream to adopt. I always knew "someday" I would try to adopt a child (children). I'm humbled and convicted that if it had been a quick or easy process I would have valued it less. It would have felt like Claire felt about the dance performance. I need to savor the journey of this amazing thing called adoption. I need to really feel the frustration and impatience and soak in the dreaming of what this child will be like and admit my fears and insecurities, rather than cover them with pride and self-assurance. I need to bless the agencies and social workers and birth families who make this amazing thing possible for families like ours who feel called to adopt. Our social worker has challenged me to look at what we are learning along the way. She has the wisdom to see the journey as well as the destination.

Lord God, this blog is named for You, the answer to my prayers. Every thought I have and breath I breath and metamorphosis I experience is only by your grace and only in you hands. Mold me and shape me and prune me and refine me through my journey of life with You. Let me do more good than harm and keep me before your throne, fixing my eyes on you, Jesus, every step of the way. Your Love is the reason I write, I think, I feel and I breathe. Amen.

I've been thinking about why I was so enraptured with my children this weekend while they were playing in the water at the lake. I've been wondering why God chose that picture, that moment, to really spotlight an awareness for me. Here's what I think He wanted me to see. My kids were playing, exploring, sharing, squealing, studying, splashing, marveling and just being kids in the water. They were not pretending to be something they were not, they were not sinning or dodging any responsibility, they were not rushing off to get somewhere else, they were just doing what they were created to do. Recently I have also noticed birds and squirrels and all that wakes up in springtime also doing just what they were created to do. I think God wanted me to really enjoy His creation, doing what each created thing was created to do....

So this morning, I was in a prayer room for an hour, sowing seeds into the Kingdom through prayer and these thoughts came to me again. I asked God, "so what was I created to do? How can I do what my kids did, what the birds do, in a way that pleases you as much as these created things please me when I truly see them doing their part?" When, God, do you sit back in your lawn chair on the beach and smile at me, proud and amazed and pleased as you watch me? What did you have in mind for me...how do I live up to my potential?

God gave me this mandate, "Pray. Worship. Love children with the love of Jesus." that's my job. That's what He created me to do. Wow. That's it. And all that...It makes perfect sense and I know when I get it right and when I'm out of His plan. I can mess up and I can fall short and I can swerve off the path. It comes back to these 3 things for me. Thank you, Lord, for being clear and simple and magnificent and generous with the call you have placed over my life. Wow.

Nope. No adoption news. Nothing to report. Nothing going on. No change. Nada.

I'm paying a price for my relaxing, mellow Sabbath rest. This week is just plain nuts. There is too much going on and not enough time to do it and even though its all good stuff like ball games and dance recital activities and prayer meetings and admirable work...its just too much. I'm swallowing panic and chewing on stress and burping up anxiety...I need a schedule antacid. quick. I have this mental trick that sometimes works. I number off the items I need to get through in a day, then systematically check them off..."one down, four to go" etc. I think that little trick may just keep me sane for the next 4 days of busy...at least I hope so. 5 days from now I get to have Sabbath rest again. Wow. Just read what I wrote. 5 days from now is a really long way off. Sigh.

pac-man was THE only video game I played when I was young. Hope you do better at it than I did. Seriously, I stink at video games, but this was a blast from my past and made me think of summer vacations at the lake and on cloudy mornings, our parents would give us quarters to go to the lodge game room and play awhile until the sun came out. Pac-man, pathetically, reminds me of family and vacation and summer...so it is fitting to post it on my blog in June. :)

We're home from our little getaway and as always, its good to go but great to come home. Isaac, my middle child, most appreciates being home. He made several comments from 4pm up to bedtime, that it was good to be home, good to lay in his own bed...for as frustrated and impulsive and passionate as he is, he has a much calmer spirit than most. He blesses me in afterthoughts. My daughter Claire worries about everything, agonizes about everything, tries to control everything. She is exhausting and yet I marvel at who she is and I know that if I was nine, I would strive to be her friend. Jeremiah, the baby at five, is just sweet. His siblings tell me that he gets away with murder and is very naughty but never gets caught. That just could not be!!!!! After all, he still gives me kisses on demand! It was a good couple of days with the kids and at one point yesterday we were at a beach on the lake, late afternoon, and they were playing in the sand, finding rocks, etc. I sat back and just watched them and wondered "who are these kids? who are these great kids?" Those were my kids. They weren't doing anything marvelous or impressive, they were just being kids...and they were my kids...and they were beautiful. How blessed am I?

Tomorrow I have a sitter coming for the day so I can work. I try to provide half-way decent lunches for sitters to prepare so that the kids don't eat me out of food in 8 hours' time...tomorrow I'm getting up early to prepare one of their favorites. If I assemble it early, she can just heat it for lunch. It's called Shephard's Pie. here's the recipe if anyone wants to try it.

1 lb ground beef
1 can cream soup (Mushroom, celery, etc.-I use the healthy version with less fat)
1 cup vegetables
1 pack cheesy instant mashed potatoes

brown meat, add soup and veggies, prepare potatoes as directed and spread over top. heat for 30 minutes at 350 degrees F.