Today I went for a long, brisk walk with Precious in her stroller.  It was a beautiful fall day and it was windy and cool and sunny.  The fields are changing from green to gold, preparing for harvest.  The leaves on the trees are beginning to change and fall.  Autumn is stunning in the midwest.  Pumpkins and gourds and indian corn and mums decorate lots of yards and I just took it all in as I walked and prayed and thought and praised God. 

Today I didn't feel like I was in new mommy survival school anymore.  Today I got caught up on laundry, dusted and vacuumed, went to visit my uncle and Grandma and felt like I was enjoying my maternity leave, rather than just trying to cope.  Isaac read to me from his journal from last year (found it cleaning up a bookshelf...aaahhh), Claire snuggled in beside me and wrote about 10 thank you notes for baby gifts and Jeremiah built himself a rockin train track and I paused long enough to help him finish it and praise him for his good work. 

Please say a prayer for my grandma tomorrow.  She's having surgery to remove a malignant mass.  Grandma is an amazing 84 year-old matriarch who raised 8 children.  My entire lifespan includes memories of her.  She is beautiful and strong and I respect her legacy so much.  We fully expect her to do well in surgery and they will remove the cancer and she can return to her home by next week.  Pray for success in surgery, rapid healing and travel mercy for the siblings coming home this week. 

Roger

Roger is 40 today.  I wish I were the wife who could plan a suprise party with 200 of our closest friends and family...but I"m not.  I did manage to suprise him over the weekend with tickets to a broadway show and his sisters (2 out of 3) came to babysit in Des Moines so we could get dressed up and go out.  Otherwise, its sort of "down home" for me.  What we did was to recognize the significance of "40".  Jeremiah bagged up doritos, raspberries, popcorn kernals, spice drops and chocolate covered raisens in bags or 40.  Isaac gave him 20 pair of socks (equalling 40) and Claire picked out 40 candy bars and hid them around the house so that he had to do a scavenger hunt after work to find them.  It was a great party.  My mom, brother and niece and nephew came for supper.  I had made fancy steaks (with fresh chopped rosemary, garlic, etc.). a ,mushroom rice casserole and oreo cookie salad...we feasted and topped the night off with a magnificent carrot cake by Nana.  Mmm, mmm, good.  I'm stuffed.  He's sleeping. 

Roger is a very good man.  I have known many men whe were disappointing and he as never let me down.  I pray that in this new year of life, God will grant him favor and love and pleasure so that he can truly own how much the Father adores him and is pleased with him.  I am so happy he is my husband and the father to my children.  Happy birthday, hun.  I love you very much. 

The other day Jeremiah and I were playing a game together (Candyland, I think).  "Just think, Jeremiah, soon you will be playing games like this with little Precious."  "Yeah."  "But I bet you'll get sick of that and when she asks you to play AGAIN you will say, 'no.  I don't want to play'."  He pauses, takes his turn and says.  "I'll always play games with her.  I will never say No to Precious".  Fierce but tender defender, Jeremiah. 

Similar day in recent past, I'm in the kitchen giving Precious about 10 smackeroos on her cheeks.  They are just so darn kissable I can't keep my lips off her.  Isaac is standing beside me and he reaches up, takes her little fingers in his and says, "Get used to that.  She's gonna do that to you your whole life."  Smile.

Tonight, Claire came home from dance and Precious was on the changing table, fussing a bit.  She scooped her up, having not seen her since the afternoon.  Just like a seasoned mama, she gently bobbed her up and down, walking into the next room with her.  Already a pro in just a month.  "Mom, she really feels like my sister now.  Like, she doesn't even feel like we adopted her, she feels like she's just always been my sister."

Later this evening, the kids are up in bed, settling down and dad is in the office chair, feeding Precious after a long day at work and a school board meeting.  He's falling asleep in the chair but holding her close.  I quietly stand behind him and watch as he pulls his eyes open, looks down at her sweet head and gently kisses her.

We have found the new normal and we are very happy here.

Precious is due!

Tomorrow Precious Maryn will be 5 weeks old and this week, she is acting like a newborn rather than a preemie.  It's amazing, really.  It started last week already, taking 4 oz sometimes instead of 3...more grunting for food and less schreeking, less and less twitching and jerking and flailing when we changed her...now she seems more sturdy, less fragile.  I imagine she could have been due this week, on our anniversary or Claire's birthday, or next week for Roger's birthday.  I feel so priveledged to have had her for a month already.  She looks at us with recognition, she has a smile behind her face, hinting at an explosive smile one of these days.  She has emotion and she has spirit and she has personality...if she had been born this week we wouldn't know any of that yet! 

I am so grateful and so content with our family.  The actual life of the dream is every bit as precious as the dream has been all these years.  She's here and she's amazing.  We all love her so much already!  The big kids are so comfortable with her and I think they will forever be "baby people", the ones who want to hold babies.  Claire is learning to change diapers and the boys are the best snugglers around. 

I'm still tired but getting used to the feeling.  I can make it all day without a nap now, though I don't like to.  Now, a good day is measured by my ability to exercise, shower and take a nap.  Anything else is just survival.  Today I got none of those,,,I know, ew.  I'll aim higher tomorrow.

The gripe water helps her alot, settles her tummy.  We have not yet conquered thrush but are working on it.  I need to weigh her again soon...her cheeks are filling in (top and bottom ones). 

Thank you everyone.  Thank you for reading this blog and caring about this new person in our family and for your prayers and support.  Thank you for being on the other end of these words.  Most of the words are actually prayers that Holy Spirit is just translating for me.  It's a blessing to be in this ongoing prayer meeting with you all.

newly pierced earrings for her birthday...her name means bright light or brilliant one...she truly is that and more!

Claire

Yesterday was our anniversary.  Today is Claire's birthday.  She's 10 today.  We started the day early, before 7am and did gifts, then Jeremiah, Precious and I had lunch with her at school.  After school we hosted a party with 5 of her friends and went to a local pumpkin patch, did a corn maze, painted pumpkins...learned they are a fruit, not a veggie, and had pizza.  Nana Barb made cute little pumpkin-shaped spice cakes...it was a good day.  I can't go into more detail because I'm feeling quite brain-dead.  I only had about 3 hours of  uninterrupted sleep last night.  Sigh.  I will say that Claire is the gift from God that made me a mom.  Being a mom is the best thing I've done so far.  I am so proud of her and if I were 10 I would hope to be on her guest list.  She's someone I would want for a friend.  I cannot wait to see what then next 10 years hold for her beautiful life.

out with the kids this summer...I think our seven-year old took this picture. :)

anniversary

13 years ago God answered not just my prayers but my parents' prayers and many more.  13 years ago I married Roger on a rainy September saturday with 275 of our closest friends and family.  We had a traditional wedding in our church and the pastor who married us has since baptised all of our children so far.  We had an open house in our new (old)home on the highway, then had a pork bar-b-que at my uncle's farm, then had a dance with live music at the local watering hole.  It was a full and blessed and beautiful day.  Roger sang the song "If you could see what I see" by Geoff Moore and looking back on that, it holds truer now then it did then. 

I had been living wild and crazy since leaving home at 18.  When we met I had returned (Prodigal son style) to try to build my life back up and make some sense of why God had spared me...I was in nursing school and waitressing.  We had a semi-blind date that turned into an exclusive dating relationship and within 2 years we were married.  The song he sang to me really spoke to him seeing better in me that I saw in myself.  He saw beauty where I did not.  How like God is that?  He loves me with the Father's love.  That is the answer to my prayers.

Our marriage is not based on a score card or a tally of who gets what.  Our marriage is not miserable or complacent.  Our marriage is a living, breathing extension of the love of Christ.  I screw up alot and am far from perfect yet he never shames me or blames me.  He quietly loves me and works through the details to make things better.  God led the perfect man to me.  God set apart the mate that would complement me, challenge me, celebrate me and elevate me to a woman of beauty and grace and honor. 

Lord God!  Plan and prepare and mold a mate for each of our children as you did for Roger and me.  Prepare the spouse, even now, through their parents and family to be the ideal one, the one who edifies and does not tear down their future husband or wife. Let our marriage, our love, our life teach our children what to expect and what to strive for in a marriage, not what to rule out or avoid.  Sanctify our marriage, Lord, for the future generations.  Protect us and preserve us for many more years of life together.  Amen.

our school needs a family picture so nana took this one today before dinner. It's not quite Christmas card material but its good practice for one. We may need a very patient photographer to help us get a really good one!

Henri Nouwen

I'm reading through Henri Nouwen's book Here and Now.  I came across this and think its worth sharing.  I have prayed for years for more joy.  I think I'm too crabby and sarcastic and sad often.  I don't feel like I project being a downer, exactly, but I do think that God expects more joy from me than I usually reflect.  It's been a bit of a puzzle for me, how to get that joy.  Here is what Nouwen said about it.

"nothing happens automatically in the spiritual life.  Joy does not simply happen to us.  We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day.  It is a choice based on the knowledge that we belong to God and have found in God our refuge and our safety and that nothing, not even death, can take God away from us." 

So joy is a choice.  Huh.

Today was a really good day.  Precious slept better last night so we were more rested.  Today I worshipped, I enjoyed good food, I exercised, I rested, I had a date with my husband.  I remembered the day before my wedding and thanked him for marrying me.  I called a friend to wish her happy birthday.   My house is not messy and my kids went to bed peacefully (number four is resting peacefully on my chest.  I can't type with her on my lap but I can on my chest)  It was warm and breezy but the leaves are beginnning to fall from the trees and collect in golden piles on the ground.  The days are getting shorter and the nights are getting cooler and the season is changing.  I always feel God moving when the seasons change.  He invites us to worship, to notice, to sit in attendance as the seasons change. 

Thank you Lord for nature and change and rest and renewal.  Thank you for your artistic expression in creation, in the sun and the wind and the moon and stars, in the trees and the butterfiles and hummingbirds and squirrels.  Thank you for life.  I choose joy tonight as I think about all the evidence of your power and beauty and love that I experienced in just this one Sunday of rest.  You wow me again and again, Lord.  Thank you.

tummy solutions

Thank you to everyone who gave me ideas to help Precious Maryn's tummy.  The funny thing is that many were things that I recommended to other new moms over the years but have forgotten.  Crazy how nurse mind goes dormant when new mommy/late night mommy kicks in.  I went to Wal-Mart and got supplies today.  I found Gripe water at the grocery store and also found some other stuff to try if she gets crampy and miserable again tonight.  I won't buy the high dollar formula just yet until I've exhausted some other ideas.  I have declared war on her tummy pain and will not rest until I have victory and my daughter has comfort.  Mama Bear is on the prowl! 

She's a month old.  She's more beautiful than ever.  She is significant.

If you can, you should adopt.  God just loves it and the outpouring of that love feels so good. 

Tomorrow is Sunday.  I love to write about Sabboth rest.  If you read me often, you know this.  Tomorrow, my hope is that I can start the day with a fresh brisk walk.  I can pray and worship and breathe when I walk in the mornings. I'm taking a sunday school class on immigration and what the bible says...that comes next, then church, then home to share sunday dinner with my parents/step-sister.  A friend brought in food and I am excited to have my family over to eat with us.  After dinner we hope to have naps.  In the evening, my mom has agreed to keep the kids for a couple of hours so that I can have a quiet supper with Roger.  It's our 13th wedding anniversary on Monday and since mondays are crazy busy with kid stuff, we are celebrating tomorrow night instead, in the quiet rest of Sunday.  I'm thinking grilled steaks with sauteed veggies, salad and ice cream sundaes for dessert.  13 years of marriage deserves a sundae on a sunday!  Blessings-N

tummy aches

Precious has tummy aches at night.  She pushes and grunts and screams...she's not consipated and she poops often, like almost every feeding or so (still eating about every 2-2 1/2 hours...we've tried tummy massage, she's on Gentlease formula...any thoughts anyone?  I hate to hear her in pain, I hate to not have any solutions to her tummy troubles.  If anyone has any ideas for a preemie tummy that cramps up in the middle of the night, I would welcome them!  Guess that's our prayer concern for tonight and every night.  Tummy aches.

The River of Love

Love dipped deeper when I looked in her eyes.
A deep sea of brown so gentle yet wise.
Love dipped deeper when I kissed her soft cheek,
She made a sweet noise that made me feel weak.

Love dipped deeper when I saw who she is...
And deeper still when I saw who she could be-
With deep, solid love that is rooted in Christ
And the knowledge that good things require sacrifice.

Love dipped deeper when God lavished on me
The well-spring of love that comes with humility
And a contrite spirit, so unworthy yet here...
Here I am, Lord.  Draw her, draw me, draw us near.

God is the Author of love here and there,
A precious gift that no one should compare
Except to know that we are all there and here
Because of His mercy, so deep and so clear

That love dipped deeper when Precious came here.
We have just begun to really see clearly
That when we say Yes to the love God creates,
That love can dip deeper and open new gates

That lead us to the river of love.

by me

a tender day

Today is a tender day for me.  Love is dipping deeper today.  If I spend some time with the words and the feelings, there may be a poem...if not it is just as it is.  Love dipped deeper today for Precious Maryn.  Yesterday Isaac came down with strep throat-clinic visit first thing in the morning and on antibiotics so that he could have 24 hours of treatment before school today (proactive nurse mom vs. compassionate, nurturing mom).  Yesterday Roger came down with a serious head cold and was pretty wiped out and miserable after his very long day...yesterday Claire started her dance season, Isaac got signed up for swim team and Jeremiah...well, he hung out with Nana quite a bite and enjoyed just being five.  Precious Maryn rode the wave of craziness and busyness as the tail end of a family of 6!  Last night was rough.  She didn't feel well and was hot and bothered (very hot-blooded, this girl).  I was tired and overwhelmed and hyper-vigilent for germs and illness...

Precious and I chugged through every two-hour feedings, cramping tummy, stinky burrps, heavy eyes, warm hearts, snuggled arms...hour aftter hour after hour...I was praying for her as I drifted off to sleep and when I woke up an hour or so later to her grunting and rooting and signaling me for another feeding...I felt the whispering prayers over me, the words, "Blessing.  Health.  Providence"...over and over.  I knew that the Holy Spirit or gaurdian angels or someone divine, maybe the Father himself (humbles me speechless to imagine it) was whispering "blessing, health, providence" as I struggled to open my eyes, staggered to the kitchen to make a fresh bottle and then settled in by our computer/tv screen to feed. 

I put on TBN, the cable station that airs Christian programming and there was a concert of some kind on and these groups were singing and worshipping and praising God...and I felt so lucky, so priveledged to be in this tender moment of the night with this baby girl, this miracle of life, this answer to prayer, our Precious one. 

I was worried about her being sick because she was so warm and so fussy and I couldn't shake the anxiety that there could be something wrong with her..I tried desperately to fight off panic and fear and to pray for protection, healing, wellness...and I remembered that God had said that she was precious in His sight and he had great plans for her...and I held on to the hope that it meant she would grow and thrive and be a celebration of life and hope and love in Jesus' name. 

When we woke up I called the clinic to move up her well baby check up for today so my family practice physician who I have seen for 20 years or so, could look, listen and feel her.  I needed his wisdom and reassurance and clinical knowledge to reassure me that she was fine, she was healthy she was ok...

I waited all day to take her in.  Big kids sat in the waiting room with way too much sugar (quick trip to the local bakery) to keep them happy while I talked through her history, her behaviors, my concerns and observations, etc. with our Papa Doc...and she is fine.  She's better than fine.  She weighs 7 lbs (up 2 entire pounds in 3 1/2 weeks).  She has good reflexes, she sees, sher heart is strong and steady, everything I needed him to check and say were clearly covered.  I listened to him dictate on her and was humbled by who she is so far and that he said, "clinically, she looks really good and I expect her to continue to do well"...I choked down tears in the office.  Tears of relief and also of gratitude and humility that this tiny human being has come so far and endured a great deal already. 

A comercial on the food network channel just advertised a week long dine out effort later this month to offset hunger in the US.  1 in 6 children go hungry in the US today.  I realize the stats are much higher over seas but in the US, 1 in 6 is a travesty...and I looked down at Precious, snuggled on my lap which is her favorite place to be, and I said, thank you, Lord.  Not this one.  She is not the 1 in 6.  Thank you.

I felt my love for her go deeper.  My tears are falling quietly because she is healthy, she is growing, she is loved and she is precious.  When you tangibly feel love for someone go deeper, you need to tell someone.  I'm telling all of you.

We've had quite a week. Precious Maryn is growing and thriving...our worst nights were mid-week but then we realized she had thrush and got some medicine for her. She's much better now! She still wakes up to eat every 2 hours around the clock but settles better between feedings so Roger and I are feeling more rested. Thank you for your prayers! Jeremiah lost his first baby tooth at school. Claire promised to help him write a letter for the tooth fairy...we haven't seen that yet. Isaac got glasses. Isn't he the most gorgeous 7-year old who ever wore glasses?! He says he sees much better now. The second and third graders from our church all received their own bible today. Isaac read all of Genesis 1 when he got home. I wish I had a picture of that. what a proud moment for this mama...believe me when I say there are many moments I am less proud! I got a nice long nap this afternoon and sent dad to bed with the big kids at 8:30. Precious had a bath to wash off any germs we picked up at church this morning...and now she's comfy-cozy on my chest. Tomorrow I need to dust and vacuum and tackle the bathrooms. Tuesday marks our second week home with her and I have a feeling that there may be a few people who come over to hold her, since the holding rule will be lifted. A few girls from my bible study admitted they had the date marked on their calenders....:)

3 weeks

3 weeks ago I was an efficient homemaker machine.  I could make meals for others and for us, I could clean and bake and shop and minister to hurting people on the phone.  I could fold laundry and play a board game with the kids and blog and encourage other bloggers.  I could read a novel and a parenting book and a spiritual enrichment book and journal and write poetry.  I could and did exercise and condition my hair and shave my legs and file my nails.  3 weeks ago God brought Precious Maryn into the world.  3 weeks ago He ordained the number of her days and brought her from her birth mom's womb into the world so that our lives could change again.   My life changed forever the day I met Roger, the day Claire, Isaac and Jeremiah were born and the day Precious was born.         

I can still do all the things I did 3 weeks ago.  I'm sure I will do them again.  Just not now.  For right now, I am lost in her sweet, sweet countenance, I am wrecked by her fragile yet fierce spirit.  I am thrilled by just one moment of direct contact with her amazing, huge, intelligent and emotional eyes...I cannot stop kissing her cheeks.  I cannot hold her hand long enough or feel her warmth against my chest enough...I could care less about the laundry and the food and the dust...I am having so much fun with this baby girl. 

Tonight I attended my first Katelyn's Fund support meeting.  I had to admit to someone that I didn't go before we had Precious because I would have been crabby.  I learned patience but not temperance of speech, I guess!  I'll work on that one next.  The meeting was delightful and I was struck by the variety of couples that were there.  Some were just beginning their adoption journey, others were waiting like we were just 2 weeks ago, still others were waiting to travel to go get their child/children and still others were seasoned adoptive parents who could share so much wisdom and compassion and quiet assurance. 

Katelyn's Fund gives grants to help fund adoptions.  We are having an auction on November 6 to raise money.  If anyone has anything they would like to donate or would just like to provide financially to help defer costs to adoptive families, please do so!  There is a spot right on their web site (link on my blog) or feel free to get your donation to me and I'll pass it on. 

Precious Maryn is asleep in my lap.  I'm learning to do lots of things including type on the keyboard, while holding her.  I can mix a bottle, change laundry from washer to dryer, even do the dishes if she is in the sling which she definitely loves!  There are a few other things I can do but will spare you them...use your imagination.  :)  She loves music, she loves to sway and swing (in our arms, not in the containers), she loves her bottles and she loves her baths.  She loves to hold on.  She holds on to fingers and necklaces and shirt collars.  What doesn't she love?  She doesn't love to sleep and she doesn't love to be put down. 

I'm looking forward to the weekend with dad around a bit more and the big kids home to grab the phone, answer the door, etc.  Roger's parents are coming to meet Precious and spend a couple of days with us.  We love it when they come.  They love to play board games and take the kids to Mcdonalds.  The dishes are always done promptly after a meal and the laundry is always folded.  We'll try get some new pictures posted soon.  It's reallly hard to get good pictures of a newborn who sleeps alot.   Maybe I should try to take them between midnight and 6 am, she's really active then!  Although our bodies and minds are not enjoying these all night vigils, I must say that for both Roger and for me, our hearts are completely willing and blessed to hold her and gaze at her and respond to whatever she needs, even in the wee hours of the night.  These are the hours that build the foundation for her to know us and trust us and love us and be rooted and grounded in us as her parents.  These are the hours that someday we will miss, the hours I longed for and prayed for and believed would make a difference in her life and ours.  I knew it would not be easy.  I knew it would cost me something.  I knew God was asking us to do the good thing, the great thing, the thing that gives and takes away.  I pray tonight, not for more sleep but for more peace and joy in my vigil.  I pray for more patience when she wakes me up, just as I get into my sleep.  I pray for more wisdom and revelation of all that God would have me see in the midnight hours. 

Mold me there, God.  Refine me there.  Pour out blessing on Precious Maryn in the hour after hour after hour that she needs us each night and we rise to meet her needs.  Show us that you do the same for us each time we pray, each time we call out to you, each time we need you to help us.  You never refuse to rise to meet us where we are.  Make us more like you, Lord!

Holistic health

Holistic health is attending to your personal well-being in all aspects of life:  physically, mentally, psychologically, spiritually.  The reason that community health is so appealing to me is because the focus is on balance in all these areas.  The same is true of parish health nursing...the same is true of being the wife/mom/homemaker.  Keeping all areas in check, in focus, is imperative to wellness and peace. 

Several times this week, the need for exercise far outweighed my need for sleep, social time or whatever so as soon as Roger was present and available, I shot out the door for a 45-minute walk.  Deep breaths in fresh air, blood pumping, endorphins kicking in, wide open spaces for prayer and praise and intercession...um, um good!  (Truthfully, a good walk every day keeps most of my other systems in perfect balance).  This morning my need to worship outweighed my need to sleep or empty the dishwasher or finish my novel...so I got up at 5:15 to do just that.  Meditating on scripture, streaming in to the prayer room at IHOP, letting the living word of God soak into my skin like a hot shower.  Balance.

Someone shared Isaiah 58:6-12 with us when we got Precious Maryn.  I've read through it almost every day for about 8 days now, I've written it out, I'm praying it.  It magnificently parallels Psalm 139 which I have been praying since we started our adoption process 9 months ago.  It's like Psalm 139 is the appeal, the hearts cry, and Isaiah 58 is the response, the promise.  Balance.  Keeping my "systems" in check allows me to perceive these small, subtle nuances of walking with the Lord. 

Isaiah 58:11:  "The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame.  You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail."  amen and amen and amen.

Last week at this time we were traveling to North Carolina, nervous and excited...tomorrow it will be a week that Precious has been with us.  I love her name more and more...I love her baby smells and her baby sounds and her soft, sweet skin.  Yesterday she began to open her eyes more often...she has very intelligent and wise eyes.  Sometimes when I look into them, my heart skips a beat.  Her daddy gets tearful when she looks at him.  Pity the boy who falls under her spell-he's done for.  Our big kids are so comfortable with her.  They were playing with friends today, dashing through the house, in and out, on the tramp, to the basement to the legso, to the kitchen for snacks...and occasionally stopping wherever we were.  "How's Precious doing, mom?"  stroke her head, kiss her hand and then off again...its so fun to see them evolve into a new birth order, of four instead of 3.  We are settling in to our new normal and tonight I just praise God again for where we are.

We are exhausted.  You know that fatigue that makes your stomach sick?  It's chronic for me now.  She doesn't sleep more than 45 minutes at a time...and still eats every 2hours...hey, she's on my chest right now and just chuckled at me.  Seriously, she did.  Little bugger!  Anyway, she doesn't care that we're tired...and I'm sure none of you do either because we asked for this, prayed for this, yearned for this...but I'm going on reconrd to say we are so tired.  We've been blessed by people bringing in meals, pouring out gifts on us...literally several times a day someone has stopped by in the past 4 days with gifts, clothing, supplies.  We are in full baby mode here with all the containers and gadgets and bottles and burpies...

Tonight Roger needs more sleep cause he has to go back to work tomorrow and dig out of the deep hole he has waiting for him.  I need to buck up and let him sleep and manage the kids and house for the first time solo tomorrow. I'll be fine, after all, I'm not a rookie...but it's gonna be tough with no sleep.  I'm praying for longer stretches of rest for little Precious tonight...so that I, too, can sleep.  I'm also praying for spiritual revival in our community, for an end to hunger and for all orphans to find homes, I'm praying for Sarah's Covenant Homes to get supernatural funding to meet their budget needs (to learn more, see the link on the side of my blog), I'm praying for broken marriages and hurting families.  I'm praying for my clients that I will not see for 3 months...I'm praying for other families waiting to bring their children home through adoption...that and more, but also sleep.

Jeremiah, the defender

We introduced Precious to our older 3 kids thursday afternoon.  Friday morning Jeremiah woke up and immediately came to my side, asking where Precious was.  Right here, son.  Can I hold her, mom?  Mom, it would be ok if I died and Precious lived.  What did you say, buddy?  It would be ok if I died and Precious lived...chin quivering.  Tell me more about that, hun.  What makes you say that?  I don't know.  Did you have a dream like that?  Shoulders shrug.  No.  Ok, well, I have to tell you that it makes me very proud and happy to know that even though you just met Precious, you already love her enough to die for her.  It makes me excited to know that you will always protect and defend her.  She's a lucky little sister.  Do you know, Jeremiah, that I love you that same way?  Really, mom?  Yes.  If I had to, I would die so that you could live.  That is very important and powerful love.  Do you know what else?  Jesus loves us that same way.  He did die on the cross for us so that we could live forever in Heaven with him and not die and go to hell for our sins.  I did have a dream, mom.  I dreamed about a man with a spear and he killed me with it for Precious.  Wow, Jeremiah.  That sounds very scary.  You died for her in your dream?  Uh huh...but you didn't die for real.  You are here with me and you are safe and strong and now you love her with a fierce love.  You will always protect her.  Uh huh. 

Wanna know something else, Jeremiah?  What, mom.  Sometimes satan likes to scare us in our dreams, to make us feel unsafe.  He's pretty mad that God answered our prayers and helped us find Precious and bring her home.  He wants us to feel scared.  You may tell him to shut up in your dreams if you're having a scary dream.  Ok, mom.  Lets practice that, ok?  Ok.  shut up satan...shut up satan...shut up satan.  Feel better now?  Yes.  Can we go play wii now mom?  Sure, buddy.  Lets take Precious with us, ok?  You bet, son.

The evil one can try go after us and even our kids, but God is a step ahead of him and if we turn our eyes to Jesus (Hebrews 12:2) and put our focus on victory and protection and the living and powerful presence of God, than all the attempts at fear are a mere smoke screen and a teachable moment for the spiritual warriors we are raising in our homes. 

All that on a friday morning before breakfast, after a sleepless night.  Sigh. 

remembering Alex

We finally put a new song on the blog ipod..."He Loves Us" was just so right for so long. Today its "Blessed be the Name"...my dear friend Kim lost her 19 year-old daughter Alex last December. Today is Alex' birthday so we are remembering her, grieving but also savoring the taste of healing in Jesus' name. Alex died suddenly after a routine surgery-no cause of death was found and it has been a long, difficult road of grief for her family and friends.

I met Alex when she was 3 and her mom (my high school friend) took me in to live with them while I was in nursing school. I was just rebuilding my life after years of hard and wild living...and had some pretty fresh wounds to heal. Kim and Alex became my famiy and my friends and the beginning of my road to wellness. Alex and I sat on the couch together most evenings and I studied and she watched cartoons. When she was 4 her mom decided it was time to get rid of the pacifiers...I was right in the thick of the detox nightmare and she cried and screamed and eventually resigned herself that the "four-year-old fairy" had come to take them...then she was fine. Alex had a goofy little grin that could sometimes look very naughty...but was mostly flirty and playful...she was beautiful and sweet and the brightest ray of sun in every room. She had presence. When she was 5 I moved out to marry Roger. She was one of my flower girls and her mom was my maid of honor. She came to my house often when there were no school days or snow days so her mom could work. I have lots of pictures of 5 year old Alex helping me put away Christmas decorations, doing crafts, baking together. Her mom got married soon after we did and they moved out of state so from then on we only saw them for holidays, summer visits, etc. She touched many, many lives as was evidenced by the 30-some pages of facebook comments they received after her death. They had 2 funerals for her as she had 2 entire communities who knew her and loved her...3 actually, but 2 funerals.

One of the songs we sang at her funeral was Blessed be your name. I couldn't even sing the words that day...it seemed so unjust that God would let her be taken away... When Kim came to see us this morning she had a deep sense of peace and an increasing healing strength that Precious is new life and new beginnings and although she is very sad today, she is also rejoicing in what God gives as well as bowing to his sovereignty in what he takes away. Kim inspires me and as I watch God heal her and minister to her I can see His beauty grow in her countenance. She could have folded up inside and become bitter and less but instead she yielded to Him and is clay in His hands. Please pray for Kim, for Marc, for sisters Sydney and Avery and for the grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends as we are all remembering Alex today.

 

we're back!

We made it home, praise the Lord! I was fairly blog-restricted for the past few days so its good to be back and to catch up on all the lovely sentiments and prayers. Thank you all so much for your words and your support! Our first night with Precious Maryn was tough...but we made it through. Yesterday we set out early to drive across the state to meet her birth mom. That experience was incredible and I'm sure it was more so because of all of your prayers for us. I need to take some time when my head isn't groggy from fatigue and write out everything I can remember that we talked about...I don't want to lose one memory of that 2 hour visit. Her mom loved Precious. She could not provide for her the way she wanted to and she said she would sleep well now knowing we love her and are excited to be her family and to give her whatever she needs to grow in life. It was an amazing thing.

Truly, some of the hardest things, the things we are most scared to do and most panicky for are the things that grow us and strengthen us and deepen our knowledge of the love of Christ. All that and so much more I don't even have words for.

We didn't get back from that outing until about 8pm...had to do some shopping to release the pressure valve...I forgot how much stuff babies need! We had take-out from a fabulous restaraunt near our hotel, then packed up and we checked out this morning at 6am to catch an 8am flight out. We got home just as the kids were coming home from school and the reunion was so awesome...they all got bigger and smarter and more mature in 3 days. My mom is the best grandma that ever lived. she cared for our 3 kids at home, tended the house, made treats AND hauled our an antique in our home, a relic of sorts...the ironing board. I didn't even know we still had one. AND SHE USED IT!!!!!!

Last night's sleep was better for us with Precious than the night before. We're getting it figured out slowly. I have felt the hand of God so clearly over us throughout this week, gently guiding and holding and comforting us, steering us in this or that direction...

We'll get more pictures up ASAP...I'm on Precious duty(I mean Precious privelege) right now and Roger is sleeping...in a few hours we're changing places and then he can get the pictures on this computer so we can blog them again. Suffice it to say, she just gets cuter and cuter...

Precious Maryn

Here she is! Our day today was amazing. It took FOREVER for them to bring her to us, but we had the priveledge of meeting the director of CAS (Christian Adoption Services) which is the agency we got her through here in North Carolina. She told us about how the agency got started...with a 14-yr old girl...the story blessed me so much! We also met Gretchen, the wonderful, vivacious social worker who has been handling our adoption since the birth mom chose us. Everyone there was so excited for us! When the foster mom brought her in, they all had cameras poised for pictures...if there was only a way to slow-motion those moments to make them last. She is so tiny! I wondered where the rest of her was...seriously, she is so tiny! She is healthy and so full of life and expression and strength and presence already. It is such an honor to get to be her parents. Her foster mom blessed me so much. I think she and I will become friends thanks to the beauty of the internet. She got to know her first. She got to love her first. And she does love her. I hope to call her either tonight or tomorrow...with a few questions and an update. You just never know who God will place in your path and for what reasons. You just never know what it will look like on the other end of "Yes, Lord"...you never know until you say Yes.

I miss everyone so much already. It feels like time and our lives have stopped for a few breaths, waiting for us to adjust to our new daughter and acclimate to a new normal.

Pray for us tonight because the foster mom said she is up every 2hours to eat...I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...tomorrow we are meeting birth mom. Hopefully we will leave thursday if we can catch a flight. If not we will fly home friday afternoon. Catch ya later!