Whenever my husband travels I am reminded of how hard it is for single parents.  I am reminded of how many times in a day you just have to stop and ask yourself, "what can I let slide and what must get done?  What is important and what is not".  I'm sure with time and practice and adjustments to our daily schedule I could wear that hat if I needed to but man would it stink.  It is really hard to do it without a spouse.

 I pray for all the single moms and dads out there who are doing their very best to raise good, healthy, happy children.  I pray that you would be very present in their homes, Lord and give guidence, grace, favor and wisdom.  I pray you would bring people alongside them to help and to listen and to love these single parents.  I pray for forgiveness and grace and a special place at the mercy seat when things don't go well for them or their choices are poor.  I pray a special blessing over the children of single parents.  I pray for divine favor and an outpouring of your Holiness and Love in their lives, that they would know you, Lord, as their ultimate parent.  I pray that the bible would come alive to single moms and dads, that the words would spring from the pages and be a living example of what to do and how to do it.  Thank you for your Word, Lord. 

Thank you for this week of testing that has made me so much more grateful, and for the new strength I have found in You, Lord, when I felt so weak.  Thank you that Precious is almost back to health and seems to be doing well.  The rest of us have the cold and sore throat so I ask that you heal us, too, because I know it is your desire that we be healthy and well.  Thank you for our warm home and safe car and protective clothing from this harsh weather.  Thank you for abundant food in the kitchen.  Thank you for all this and more. 

Well I survived the day.  Precious did too, thanks to her slammin Nana who changed all her plans to have her.  She got to sit on Nana's lap, snuggle, sleep, rest and recover.  Auntie Paige stepped in for some fresh lovin when she got home from school so by the time I saw P at 6:30 tonight, she was doing much better.  The big kids crashed back in after church tonight, thanks to their uncle for carting them around, and were eager to show me their school work, eat snacks and wind down.  Me?  I'm proud that I tucked them all in without yelling at anyone, I read to them, prayed with them and peace dwells among us tonight. 

God gave me the strength and fortitude to do my work today.  I even laughed.  I didn't get any big epiphonies or even a great photo.  I had one chance when I happened to notice a young blue jay in a tree along the gravel road...but I didn't stop.  Ice, cold, the tyranny of the urgent pressing in...so I missed my photo op.  Sorry, Lord.  I'm sure Mr. Bluejay was the reason for the camera and I blew it.  Have mercy.

The sun was shining today and the sky was blue.  The days are getting longer and these are all signs that spring is coming.  Hope springs eternal.  The Lord reigns.  Twice I heard a new song by Mercy Me that talked about praising the God of creation and I did that today.  I love my Lord for the big things, like bringing us Precious, like providing for our needs, creating my family, etc.  But today I love Him equally as much for the small things, like caring that this was a hard day and choosing to help me through it.  It was not a bad day.  It was 11 hours of non-stop, no-break, mental and psychological alertness...on just a few hours sleep...but it was not a bad day.  God made it do-able.  Thank you, Lord.  For being my companion today, for going before me, for hemming me in and for seeing me through it.  I am grateful. 

I wish you all a good night's rest, pleasant dreams, health and strength.

Blessed Assurance

Well, today may be a rare treat in that you all may get to watch the catharsis of a day walking with Jesus and how it can start desperately hard and get better and better.  Depending on how often I am able to get to a computer today, I may have more to write regarding the promise of the Lord to draw near to me when I draw near to Him, to be my ever present help in time of need.  It's just too bad we have to read it in reverse order since new posts are always at the top. 

I prayed, I submitted my will to the Lord.  I cried a bit.  He nudged me to listen to Blessed Assurance so I did.  I choose to take up the mantle of that song today and to play it and sing it wherever I can just to remind myself that even though I am weary and heavy-ladened, I have the beautiful promise, the blessed assurance that Jesus is mine and that it is just a hint at the glory to come.  This is my story and this will be my song today so please don't feel sorry for  me or worry.  I have the promise of the Lord that I will not do this day alone.  Curiously, I also felt him tell me to take my camera along to work today.  Hmmm.  Wonder what that's about. 

Just finished a strong cup of coffee and since Precious is asleep for the moment, I'm off to steam in the shower and soak in some prayer. 

My help for today, my hope for tomorrow.

Dear Jesus, along the way when we were waiting to adopt Precious, praying for her, planning for her, you knew this day would come.  You spoke to me of the days ahead that would be really hard, the days I wouldn't be able to do by myself.  You were very clear that this idea, this request, this longing to adopt would be more than I could handle at times.  I accepted that then and I do today as well.  I accept that I cannot do this today in my own strength.  I need you, Jesus.  I need your healing over her body, Jehovah, and over mine as well now that I'm catching her cold.  I am so tired from these sleepless nights with her and I have such a mountain of work ahead of me today, tomorrow and friday.  I am overwhelmed.  I am exhausted.  I need your help, Lord.  Everyone who reads my words will pray and thank you for that, Lord!  Bless them in their prayer times.  Help me to grow my prayers, to strengthen that discipline and communication with you.  The word for the day is Help.  Help, Lord.

"...they will mount up on wings like Eagles they will run and not grow weary they will walk and not faint."

thank you

Thank you to everyone who has prayed for us today.  Precious is much less symptomatic tonight.  She is busy singing me a very long sonnet tonight.  I would rather she and I be sleeping but I do love her songs.  I believe it is the answer to my prayers that she is less ill so thank you for lifting us up to the Father. 

Joanna Weaver, the author and speaker from our conference last weekend, talked about faith and the need to exercise the spiritual muscles...to have stronger faith means to meet resistance and press against hardship and adversity and trials in order to grow stronger and not give in to the "why me" mentality we like to claim when things get hard.  I like thinking of it that way.  Faith is hard, so is hospitality and prayer and many of the other spiritual gifts listed in the Word.  In order to grow stronger in these things that help us to know God and please God and draw nearer to God, we have to meet resistance, we have to do the work out, we have to press in rather than pull back. 

Ok, Precious is winding down...we're to the refrain...almost to the end of the song.  Life and the power of the Holy Spirit in me have given me a rather strong faith for now, but my barometer for hospitality is pretty sad.  My sis-in-law thinks that I am really good at hospitality but I had to admit to her tonight that it is an act of obedience, a hard push-through many days.  It's easier with kids cause I love kids so much...but its still hard to open my home and my plans and to practice hospitality.  Now prayer...prayer is harder yet.  We meet resistance in prayer all day long.  The world is so noisy and busy and interrupting...and yet if we resist these directions and take time to pray, we can strengthen our prayer muscles, with repetition and dedication and grace...and once in awhile, the Personal Trainer reveals Himself in new and fresh ways as a reward for our efforts and training and that gives me the energy to keep trying.

Ok, so the song she was singing is finally done.  It was about 45 minutes.  Seriously.  Now she is crunched up on my lap and snoring.  I think I can go to bed now.  Sleep well everyone.  May angels gaurd and attend us as we sleep and the presence of the Lord fill us fresh for tomorrow.  Amen.

It was likely God's wisdom that provoked me to write such lovely things about Precious Maryn yesterday.  I'm sure he knew that after that, into the night, she would be fussy and unsettled and that I would see every single hour of the night.  Please pray for her today.  She has a bad cold and is having a hard time.  And now so am I.  Feel free to pray for me too.  It is going to be a long week. 

Precious and Her Nana. Generations of love.

Precious was five months old on the 21st.  She and I attended a women's conference called C.O.M.P.E.L. and it was wonderful.  Of course, in a room with 250 women, she got lots of oohs, aaahhs and lovin.  Unfortunately she also developed a terrible cold with drippy eyes, runny nose, sneezes...guess I can't complain since it is her first official illness.  And she is 5 months.  And it is winter.  Anyway!  Roger was willing to keep her at home but I wanted him to be able to go out and enjoy the big kids before he left on his next big trip for work (today).  They went to the movies, had a friend sleep over, added another friend to the mix on saturday, went to the pool....and we had lots of time with God and The Word.  Perfect. 

On friday night we were singing worship songs and I was holding her and singing and dancing and we were singing the words, "From every tribe and from every nation, from generation to generation we worship You...Hallelulia!"  And my throat tightened and my eyes teared up, watching an entire room filled with women who were singing and worshipping the Father...and my mom was beside me and my baby was in my arms and it was truly generations of women.  I realized that I was already passing on the lifestyle of praise and worship, of giving glory to God.  Precious was watching and I just believe that the blueprints were being stored in her mind to know extravegant worship, joy in holy music, the beauty of a grown woman bowed down on her knees in prayer and adoration...she was watching and it matters.  Her life could have been very different, or could have been non-existent if God had not reached down and tucked her away, safe in her birth mom's womb, waiting for us to adopt her.  God intended to lead her to a family that would lead her to Him and I am humbled that we get to be that family. 

On saturday we had prayer time in the morning and the wonderful prayer leader urged us to soak in prayer, to just be with the Lord and ask Him questions and to listen for answers and to just love and adore Jesus for awhile, rather than being intercessors.  So I asked God, "What am I hear for?"  The still small voice said this.  "For her."  I was holding Precious, just walking and singing and listening and praying....and then I just stopped to sway back and forth and feel the presence of Him.  I felt like He was swaying with me, holding me and holding this child...so call me crazy if you want, but I choose to believe and declare that Precious also now knows what it feels to be rocked by Jesus, to sway in the arms of the Savior, to know the dancing embrace.  I could picture it in my mind and see it there and know that Jesus lives and He does walk with us and talk with us and when I sing that over this baby as I rock her to sleep, she will know it too. 

Lord, tonight you know my list of requests, needs, desires, hopes and you can do with them whatever you want.  Tonight I just want to thank you.  Thank you for loving me and for loving my family and for changing the course of life for little Precious Maryn.  Thank you for answered prayers.  Thank you for this child that you are allowing us to know and grow to one day know you full well.   I promise to do my best.

This morning I was in the bathroom, rushing to get everyone ready on time, myself included.  I try really hard not to work on fridays because most weeks I can get everything done before...but thanks to the ice storm I couldn't work wednesday and had to go in today.  Arg.  Everyone knows what it's like to be shovelling toast down your throat while you're barking out orders to the kids like, "find your boots, get your backpack, eat your food..."  thankfully Precious was dozing on the couch but add her in the mix and look out!  Anyway, Claire came into the bathroom and stood beside me, grabbed her brush in hand and looked in the mirror.  "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord and not for men,"  Colossians 3:23, she said.  Quietly and confidently which is often the way I hear the voice of the Lord.  He spoke simply to me through her beautiful voice...she was memorizing her verse for school...and I was receiving my conviction, my assignment and my blessing all at once.

 So today, I tried hard to do just that.  I drove on ice, got rained on by ice, dodged ice under trees, slid on ice to door ways, watched ice fall from power lines.  The fog was so close it was palpable and present...so fog (my new travel companion and I) made our way around the county.  Fog and I did 4 visits, helped, taughted, hugged, kissed, smiled, laughed, counselled, moved boxes, encouraged and prayed together.  Fog and I watched the unending scenery of white snow on white sky...the midwest has the biggest sky...and fog and I worked hard to do it for the Lord and not for the ways of man.  When I got home I collapsed at the sitters, falling into her couch with relief that I made it safely home.  Precious and I came home to continue to work for the Lord and not for the ways of man, and we packed a suit case because she and I are going to the Compel conference tonight with my mom and some dear friends. The weather is horrible but we're going anyway.  I can't wait.  Roger and the big kids can do stuff like the movies or the pool, without baby screaming for attention and mom screaming to pick up their stuff.  We're all ready for a break and a blessing. 

season stretching comments

We are now 3/4 through January and I have been enjoying some trailing decorations from the Christmas holiday.  I left up the snow man stuff, the nativity stuff and some greenery.  Our Christmas cards are still stuck to the wall.  I'm burning candles every chance I get, when I'm home long enough to enjoy them.  Today, due to an ice storm, we are home all day so I can enjoy these remaining holiday reminders a bit longer.  I'm thinking that when I next dust these, too, will come down.  My norfolk pine is providing lots of cheery oxygen which is welcome since it's too cold to open windows. 

In February I would like to write some thoughts about some of the Christmas songs and carols we all enjoy.  February is always a hard month for me.  Holidays done, spring still far off...I try to plan fun things to do in February but even so, I tend to be really tired of winter and crabby in February.  Someday when the kids are older, my hubby and I may plan a yearly trip somewhere warm but for now, I need less expensive options.  I will purpose myself to write about Christmas songs in February.  By the end of February, I will likely feel that I stretched the season as far as possible and will be ready to shift gears to lent, Easter, spring and rebirth.  If any of you have songs in mind that you would like me to ramble about, leave a comment here.  I'll do my best to pray them and write whatever God would have me say. 

My blogger buddy Becca (say that 5 times fast!) mentioned carrying some favorite treats into the new year from Christmas.  She mentioned homemade caramels (off limits for me with the latest weight-reduction attempts), and Russian tea, aka spice tea, aka friendship tea.  I like the idea of writing the recipe for friendship tea here so I will write it, then go mix it and drink some today, toasting Christmas, season-stretching and deep and powerful wisdom that comes from the Lord.

2 cups Tang drink mix
1 envelope unsweetened lemonade
1/2 cup sugar
1/2 cup instant tea
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon, 1/4 teaspoon cloves, 1/4 teaspoon nutmeg

mix well.  Store in an airtight container.  Use 2 to 3 heaping teaspoons in a cup of boiling water.  Enjoy!

Psalm 139:13

This psalm was my sanity, my focus and my inspiration for 2009.  I prayed it through our adoption process and through intercession for others and through the refining fire that the Lord walked me through this past year. It is beautiful and strong and convicting and intimate.  I urge you to read it, pray it, claim it and give it back to the Father, the creator, sustainer and deliverer who is my God.  Be blessed in that.   There are some unborn babies that I would like to lift up in prayer right now, asking God to hold and protect and grow them, and to thank Him for these children that He knit together in their mother's wombs.  Whisper love over them, Lord.  Protect and sustain them.  Also, I am praying for a coworker who miscarried twins last week.  You knit those babes as well, Lord, and as she says good-bye to them tomorrow, send your comfort her way through the power of your Spirit.

Psalm 139:13 says, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb."  God created me to be insanely in love with babies.  My whole life.  Love em, love em, love em.  Babies are so precious, so mysterious, so important, so pure and so needy.  Beautiful Precious Maryn is very needy and demanding, very loud, very beautiful...and when she falls asleep during a feeding, her sweet lips stay open and milk just rolls out in a most disgusting way...I squeeze her cheeks and more comes...white milk down dark cheeks...its so funny.  Of course, I clean it up again, but just picture this gorgeous baby with milk leaking down her mouth onto my shirt.  And then there is the screaming.  Loud, fists-clenched, attention-seeking screaming.  No tears, mind you.  This is just noise.  Hollering, yelling, can't-spek-over-it noise.  And I think God laughs.  I think He sits up in Heaven and just doubles over at His own creative genious, His own sense of humor, His own extravegant latitude in creating babies over and over and over.  He's laughing.  I can almost hear it.  I wish Precious Maryn's birth mom could know how amazing she is.  She's loud.  Really loud.  She's intense.  She's drop-dead beautiful.  She's smart.  Her birth mom did a good job.  God did a good job.  I hope He rewards her for letting Precious be born.  This child will keep me praying many psalms for the rest of my life.  Good job, God.  Good job birth mom, Good job, Precious.

A good fit.

Tonight I am quietly marvelling at the good fit.  Tonight, for the first time, Precious has her own room complete with a crib.  We were waiting to set it up until Claire's new room was done.  Roger tackled the installment of her new bed this morning, God bless him.  Isaac helped and learned to use a power screw driver-thingy...and they bonded over power tools and sharp blades and what-not.  Claire had a dance event all day so she wasn't around but 2 of her dearest 10-year olds were here cause their moms were busy.  All told, we had 6 kids, minus Claire, for most of the day.  And we fit.  Our large, old, messy, comfortable house seems to rise and fall and expand and contract with the bodies that come through the doors.  The house has a good fit.  So we began the process of moving Claire's life down the hall from her baby room with pink carpet, to the renovated old toy room which now has sea-mist blue walls, hard wood floors and a slammin' extra crawl space/fort/storage area she painted hot pink and brown.  When enough of her stuff was moved, we could set up the crib for Precious and even though we KNOW she won't sleep there all night, she has a space to call her own.  She has a place for her belongings.  We can move them out of our bedroom and start to settle her into her own little corner of the world, with pastel wallpaper and pink carpet.  When she turns 10, she may redecorate as well.  That's the rule here.  When you are 10 you get to do your own room.  Isaac is insanely jealous of Claire's new room but he has to wait 2 years to do his own.  He will likely take over our room and we will move down to the main floor office...but we fit.  With 4 children, we actually fit.  This house has a good fit.  When we bought it, we didn't know how many children we would have.  We were pregnant with #2 at the time.  I fell in love with it because it is old and has character...it felt like home from the moment we stepped foot in the foyer.  And it has a good fit. 

So tonight, Roger and our 4 children are upstairs and it is quiet.  There is space for us all, room to spare even.  Our life seems to have a good fit.  I am grateful for our church, our community, our family, our friends, our jobs, our blessings and the sense of peace and contentment I feel.  I have prayed often for an increase of contentment and peace.  God seems to be answering that prayer tonight.  I feel complete.  I feel peaceful and content.

Thank you, Father, for answering my prayer for contentment and peace.  Thank you for releasing me from the restless heart, the yearning spirit, the need for something else out there.  Our children have warm beds and food and toys and friends and love.  We have a home and work and hope.  Our family is one nation under God and we live in a country that still lets us worship and pray and read the bible.  I am grateful.  I am satisfied.  I am content.  I am blessed.  I am yours.  Thank you for granting my heart's desire to feel content.  Thank you for this defining day when all of our kids have a bed of their own, a place to call theirs.  They will find their way into our bed night after night and that's ok.  It's better than ok.  It's intentional.  They have parents who love them and who are ready to welcome them with open arms, day or night, when they need us.  But this night, even just for a few moments if Precious only lasts that long in her crib, we can all say we have our own place to lay our heads.  There are those who do not and I lift them up to you now, Lord.  Be there with them.  Let them rest their heads under the shelter of your wings.  Provide for them, Lord.  Send help to them.  Send your angels to gaurd and attend those who do not have all that we have.  Thank you, Abba Father.  Amen.

jeremiah

Here's my season stretching Norfork pine tree that I got on Christmas eve. It continues to provide holiday cheer (minus the bows) and also re-oxygenates the room (according to the tag on the plant.) I'm all for more oxygen.

One more season stretcher idea is to look at pictures from the Christmas holiday.

Jeremiah is sitting with me at the computer and wants this picture of him on my blog.

Love Has Come

I put this song on the blog because for the past few days when I heard it I was just moved to the heart of the Father.  Today it was on while I was cleaning up around the house and I just stopped with a hand full of crayons and phone chargers and nerf bullets and in the middle of the kitchen, I worshipped.  I bowed down.  I went before the Lord and prayed.  I prayed for Haiti, for my travelling friends in Israel, for those I know who are suffering.  I whispered the names of my husband and children, my parents, my niece and nephew...and I was lifting them up to God.  It is a beautiful song by Mark Schulz.   I am so grateful for good Christian music that can bridge the gap between this world and the holiness of God.  I am so glad that I can feel the hand of God on me when I am cleaning up, mid-day, at home, through the words of a song. 

Roger comes home tomorrow and we are all eagerly anticipating his return.  He's the kind of husband and father that really makes a difference and really has a presence in our home.  When he is away, there is less of our family and we feel his absence acutely.  He is loving and present and pleasant.  He is relaxed and helpful.  Miss you, hun.  Travel safe tomorrow.

mental health day

I'm taking a mental health day today.  I sort of took one last week wednesday and I have to say, I'm beginning to think it should be a weekly deal.  I have 21 of my 24 hours in for the week and have to do a few things tomorrow so it seemed like a great day to "have off" which means off.  I get 7 hours to use however I choose.  Better than chocolate, readers, better than chocolate.  Delicious, open spaces to fill with whatever I think will make me happier, healthier and more at peace with God, myself and others.  A true mental health day would involve more planning and likely shopping, but here's the unplanned version. 
1.  Go to the gym and sweat for an hour.  (already done!)
2.  Check email and blog.  (doing it)
3.  Turn on some music, light candles and pick up the house.
4.  A long hot shower followed by a strong cup of coffee.
5.  Lunch with my friend Lori.
6.  Massage.  (seriously, I have credit at a local spa from gift cards for Mothers day, 2009.  I have to cash them in so it will seem like a good idea again this year to my family.  Yep, gettin a massage!)
7.  Come home to freshen up, fold laundry and clean up the kitchen.
8.  Spend an hour in kindergarden with Jeremiah.  Can't wait and neither can he.
9.  Pick up kids, taxi around, parent.....
10.  Lead prayer for harp and bowl prayer service tonight.  Kids will be home with a sitter which they love.

So that's it.  A day of health for mind, body, spirit and all my 5 senses.  Mental health day.  Its a beautiful thing.

I met a family today that is struggling to make it.  The husband goes out looking for work every day and finds nothing.  The wife is pregnant and parenting a special needs toddler, with 2 other children who live miles away with their grandmother.  I tried to imagine what it would be like to be pregnant, tired, cold, hungry and have my husband leave every day to ask for work and come home every day knowing he did not work again, he had nothing to contribute to the needs of the home.  This story is playing out in my town.  My community of affluence, of excess, of abundance.  I offered them every resource available in the community and the part I stressed was the church.  I told them about the church.  I explained that the church could offer them support, hope, love and a connection with others.  I prayed that the church would offer them help, solutions, divine intervention.  I felt a heaviness from God to nudge them toward the church.  That does not typically happen in my work day.  I have an ambivalence tonight, wondering if the church will meet their need, if they will follow through and connect, if somewhere down the line they will do great things for God, through the church.  I want to believe in happy endings but in life, it doesn't always work out that way. 

On a more tender note, I am stroking very tender feet tonight of this sweet baby asleep on my chest.  She's making very quiet happy baby sleep noises and her feet are so soft.  There is perfect goodness in every moment if you search it out.  Perfect goodness, tonight, is Precious Maryn's soft feet.  My husband is away on a business trip which means more work for me.  The kids are busy with school, piano, violin, dance, church activities, swim team, friends...my job is emotionally taxing and I am so far behind.  I wrecked the front door dragging in boxes that hold Claire's new bed.  The list could go on and on.  We all have that list that weighs heavy on us...but we all have perfect goodness as well.  We have it because Jesus is alive and is Immanuel, God with us.  For me, it is simply the perfect feet of my baby that I can't even see in the dark room I am sitting it but I feel them and they feel perfectly good.  Can you find perfect goodness where you sit right now?  I hope so.  God, make it so. 

Precious will be 5 months old next week.  Its hard to believe that the once fragile, premature, tender infant is now this healthy, rolly-polly, loud, demanding, beautiful baby girl.  When she came to us she had one bag of stuff.  It included the blankets she was wrapped in after delivery.  Can you believe that?  The thoughtful staff at the hospital and the social worker and the foster mom....so many people who were thinking of what we may want to keep for her forever...the hospital blankets, neatly folded in a plastic bag and a soft lovey from her foster mom, the bulb syringe they used at delivery that I still use.  Now I look around at all her stuff, knowing we won't be "saving" it for other kids, but that these are her things, the stuff that marks her place in the world.  In five months this child has established a presence.  She is known.  She is prayed for.  She is talked about at supper tables.  She has a life.  I am so humbled and grateful that I get to be her mom.  That said, I must also say that little Precious Maryn is very demanding and exhausting.  She cries when we set her down and is pure contentment in our arms.  She fusses for a bottle and fights to go to sleep.  Is this nature or nurture?  Would she have been this way if her birth mom had kept her?  Did God lead her to us because He knew that our other kids were like this so we would know what to do....or, heaven forbid, have I created this temperament in her because I love to hold her so much?  Oh dear.  Is she fighting to go to sleep because once, early on, she went to sleep and lost her mama forever?  Does she hate to be set down for fear of a stranger picking her up next time?  Or is it not that complicated?  Who really knows?  Last night I quietly asked God to grant me wisdom and knowledge in how to best parent her.  I want to do the things that will nurture and foster in her the traits and gifts God has planned for her.  I want to help Him mold her into all He created her to be.  I don't want to mess her up.  She has already lost so much and I don't want to add to her loss or overcompensate with more than she needs.  Its much more complicated than with my biological kids.  She has already experienced grief that I will never begin to have words for.  She has known loss that I still have not known.  That's what it comes down to at the end of the day.  I don't want to be one of her losses,  I want to be the warm arms, the present smile, the eye contact, the kisses and nuzzles that breathe love over her every day of the rest of her life.  I'm not spoiling her.  I'm trying to heal her.  I can't complain any more about being exhausted from lack of sleep or not getting things done because I can't put her down.  Now the response is, "it's ok if she cries awhile"...but for me, its not ok.  I have to learn how to now whine about it anymore.  Be patient with me while I practice not whining about it.  I'm really not.  Whining.  I'm not.  Really.

Simplify.

My weekly planner for 2010 is called Simplicity.  Inspirations for a simpler life.  Oscor Wilde's quote is from there.  Simple.  Make it simple.  Scale back.  Prioritize.  Declutter.  Pray.  Rest.  Be, don't do.  Take deeper breaths.  Take more pictures.  Take on less responsibilities.  Hold hands but don't hold everyone's problems.  Simplify. 

Sit in the quiet of your house and drink coffee or tea or whatever soothes you.  Open the curtains and watch the sun rise.  Light a candle and pull a blanket over your lap, if just for 5 minutes.  Savor what you see and hear and feel.  Ask God to speak.  Listen.  Bless.  Close your eyes.  Inhale.  Exhale.  Memorize the feeling.  Remember it later when things feel less.....simple.

If I had known on wednesday that we would be snowed in for the rest of the week, I may have done things different.  I'm so glad I didn't know then!  It was the last quiet sanctuary I enjoyed in my own home.  Again today the kids are home so I am, too, even though I hoped to work today.  My job takes me out of town and many roads are still snowed shut.  The news people keep saying, "if you can stay home, please stay home."  I can and I will.  I'll just work longer and harder next week, I guess. 

Yesterday the kids were happy just to play in the basement and lounge around all day.  Today I may need to step in a bit more because I'm guessing they will be getting on each other's nerves by today.  I'm thinking it will involve dancing with the wii, board games or a new puzzle, and quite possible baking cookies. 

Those of you that are sharing this winter storm with me, I urge you and challenge you to make the best of it, make the most of another free family day and savor sweet moments.  Lets all try really hard not to get crabby.

stay warm

Father God, this morning I give you thanks for warmth.  Thank you for a warm home, warm children who snuggle in close, not becasue they are cold, but just because they love the feel of human touch.  Thank you for warm winter jammies, extra blankets that pile so high on the bed that some slide to the floor unnoticed.  Thank you for these lavish comforts.  I choose to not take them for granted today when the world out side is dangerously cold and I know there are people who are suffering in the cold today.  God, I feel you nudge me to lift them up, to intercede for these people I do not know who are cold today.  Send angels of mercy to them, Lord, with blankets and coats and shelter and aide. 

My heart and soul are also warm in the blessing of walking with you, God.  I prayed Psalm 139 for a year, waiting for Precious to come, and even now, I heard phrases from that scripture in a lullaby cd and it reminded me that as I was praying those ancient words to you, you were preparing to give them back to me.  It warms my inner self to know you have me so wrapped up in your love.  I lift up those who are spiritually cold today.  There are people who are cold, sleeping or dead in their walk with you and I ask that you break in on them, Lord, like a sunbeam.  Break threw the dark clouds, the cold winds of their lives and warm them with your amazing love.  Also, God, I pray that you would protect me from growing spiritually cold.  It can happen to anyone and I desperately do not want it to happen to me.  Guide me and protect me and prune me and discipline me and refine me so that I can continue to draw warmth from your presence and not move away into cold places.  Amen.

now, and

then

fragrant offerings

"But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of him."

This is one of my top favorite verses...top 20 for sure...for so many reasons. God leads us if we choose to follow. My friend Jen showed me that this week. He leads us in triumphal procession...a grand march, a Rose bowl parade, a celebration of victory lap. Life with God is always exciting, always new. He uses us to spread the fragrance, the description, the aroma, the scent and feel and remembrance, of the knowledge of him. I offered that to a group of sojourners, my friends, who are traveling to Israel today. We had a small prayer time to send them off and I offered a fragrance of oil as we prayed.

Today I walked out the triumphal procession of the fragrance of the knowledge of Him right here at home. I had decided last night that I would make banana bread muffins for the kids for breakfast today so I did that first thing this morning. They woke up to the fragrance and aroma of banana bread, the remembrance of my promise to "make them again soon" and to the knowledge that they are loved very much. (The rest of the morning was less ideal, less "hallmark movie original" and more like "hurry up, come on!"...) I desperately needed to exercise today so Roger took Precious to daycare and the 3 big kids got on the bus and a hush fell over the house. I started to move laundry through, pick up, do dishes, tidy up and feel more organized. The snow was falling fast and I began to get this delicious idea that it may not work for me to leave town today for work and I may just need to stay home. If I left town and they had early dismissal from school I'd be in trouble so I made a firm decision to take a skip day and stay home.

I did my 30 minutes on the torture machine, then kept chipping away at laundry, but now with fragrant candles burning and the smell of clean laundry wafting through the rooms. I decided to make soup. And stromboli. And more soup with the beef stock from the veggie beef soup. Roger would love to come home tonight to french onion soup after a long, cold day.

Its hard to explain it but I felt in my spirit that God wanted me to stay home today. I'm being serious now. I felt like it was protective or self-preserving or even more direct than that. I felt like I would be disobedient if I left home and hearth to be a working mom today. I know it sounds crazy and I hope my boss doesn't read my blog...but I really, truly, felt like God wanted me home. So I cooked and cleaned and rested until 1:00 when the kids were sent home due to the winter storm. Then I parented again.

Here's the thing. I have felt and known the fragrance of God in my presence before. Today I felt like I gave it back to him. I felt like the fragrance of my home, the procession of my day, the knowledge that he loves me so much that he wants me to have peace and contentment and health and wellness in my home and family...it felt like an exchange of fragrances. I didn't sit with my bible open today. I didn't even listen to praise and worship music. I said only one-sentence prayers as I felt led, nothing more. Yet God and I walked through the day together and the fragrance of food and candles and snow and laundry detergent were worship. Crazy.

Our Toby cat died today. He waited until the kids got on the bus, then started to actively die. It was really hard to watch so I called my husband home and he took the cat to the vet. It was good of him to hang on through Christmas break and I thanked him for that when I said good-bye. I can't remember ever feeling this sad about a pet dying. I have not had many pets but the ones we did lose were either very annoying or did bad stuff like peeing everywhere...Toby didn't do anything wrong except get sick and die. He was a really nice, mellow, friendly, quiet cat. Our female cat who has always lavished love on him quit going near him when he came home sick from the vet 2 weeks ago today. I thought that was just plain mean, but maybe it was more self-preserving of her. Feline leukemia is contageous to other cats. Our task now is to love on this cat, Sundae because she is used to a companion and is now a widow, so to speak.

One thing I am grateful for tonight is that through our pets, we can help our children understand life and discovery and caring for one another and death. I'm glad we can teach some of this with animals before we have to learn it with family and friends too much. It is interesting to see the way each of the kids grieves. I am very interested in the developing personality and character of our 4 kids and days like today show me alot.

Precious got shots today and got an A-plus for her four month check up. She was charming and flirty with the doctor so that probably helped her "high scores"...she doesn't act much like a preemie any more, other than the frequent feeding and constant holding. I love babies so much that these two issues are not as much trouble as they sound. She and I had a discussion yesterday about how God likely knew she would need intensely attached parenting and lots of loving family members and parents who could tolerate little sleep and lots of snuggles. We decided that God picked us for her because we had lots of experience with these types of needs and we could best help her grow into all God intends for her, without compromising her spirit in any way through "tough love" or "crying it out"...she and I agreed that God is really smart and very generous.

We had only one big, extended-family Christmas party to attendthis year and we had it tonight. My mom is the oldest of 8 children so its always a big group, even when everyone cannot come home. We also celebrated grandma's 85th birthday today. It was fun and busy and again, we are home just at bedtime with tired kids, walking in to a dissheveled house that no one cares to notice but mom...and I'm trying to just unwind and not stress. Now the Christmas holiday is done. Now I need to find the official home for all the stuff and pack up the Christmas decorations and get the tree out to the road for garbage pick up on Monday. Sabboth rest will likely not take place tomorrow.

where are you, Lord, in all of this? Where are you in the parties, the gifts, the family, the chaos and the busyness...where are you in this house when I am tired and overwhelmed and feel frustrated. Where are you now, Lord? Are you watching over the kids and Roger upstairs? Are you down here in the basement with me and Precious, doing nighttime parenting rather than getting a full night's sleep? Are you wandering around, shaking your head at what a sucky job I do of keeping the house clean? Where are you, Lord, in all of this? Where are you, Lord? I know you are here, you promise you are. I know you are with me and you knew years ago that this night would look and feel just like it does. You're ok with it so I will choose to be ok with it, too. Where are you, Lord? Are you waiting to fill my cup with rest, with your holy fragrance, with love and peace and joy? Are you covering me with your sheltering wings, protecting me from harm? Are you sending an army of angels to gaurd and keep us safe? Where are you, Lord? Show me. Settle in to my sleep tonight, God. Snuggle in to my heart and wrap your amazing presence around mine so that I can wake tomorrow feeling joy-filled, rested, and eager to serve this family with cooking and cleaning and playing and loving and teaching and forgiving.....I love you, Lord and I am so very glad that you are here with me.

a new reader

One of the gifts we gave our children was their own laptop to share. My husband is a computer programmer so its not such a big stretch for him to want to pass the torch, so to speak...he found a good deal on Black friday. What can I say? I got my way and they also got some new books, puzzles and board games. We need to cultivate both sides of their brains!

I have just shown Claire, age 10, how to get on my blog. She said, "I've never been on your blog, mom." Now she can log on and check up on what I'm writing about her. I will try to be careful. She is my toughest critic in life, in parenting, in my tone of voice and in just about everything...so she will be brutally honest. Forgive me if it seems like I am writing for her for awhile. I do want to impress my daughter.

We had a blast last night saying good-bye to 2009 with some families in town...and the 23-ish kids represented. It was very busy and loud and fun...so today we are laying low, hanging out at home and just relaxing. Claire and I danced to her wii game called "Just Dance" for 45 minutes so I got my first work-out in for 2010...then I sat down and ate chips and dip for awhile as we worked on a puzzle. This fitness regime will take some work, I think. I must say good-bye to chips...just not today.

I wish you all a very happy new year and look forward to sharing it with you via blogs...I got some great season stretcher ideas and I will post them soon. For me, its still the holiday season. I finished listening to Christmas cds this morning, my decorations are still up and we have one more family Christmas party to attend tomorrow. Blessings and good tidings of great joy!