sensitive Sunday

We got home from our busy dance weekend this evening and did our best to rush the kids up to bed.  Everyone is tired.  Precious has her cough and wheezing back so we're back to frequent nebulizer treatments and counting her respirations...and worrying.  I would welcome prayers again. 

I'm feeling bad because this great weekend ended with me scolding Claire for her sassy mouth and shoving kids up to bed asap, and it feels like the swelling pride and goodness was a balloon, or a mirage that burst and is a sad, sorry thing on the kitchen floor.  (Next to the luggage, empty water bottles and bags of stuff). 

Here's my thought for the day.  I was in wonder at how my dear daughter could be so sweet and passive and charming with friends and dance teachers this weekend, then be fiesty and a pest to her siblings, and downright rude and disrespectful to her mom.  Then, it was like God did this "check your attitude" thing to me.  I began to see how it is with me.  I'm generous and kind and interesting to others, more real and edgy with my friends.   I'm more testy and snappy and fragile with Roger, I'm down-right crabby at the kids (and mostly so, so tired), and then I realize that God knows the part that's darker, yet.  He gets the worst of the worst of me.  He knows me inside and out.  yikes.  Unlike the way I reacted to Claire *(with blame and punishment), I get quiet acceptance from the Lord.  He sees my sin and he just sighs, waits, smiles and welcomes me when conviction hits like a blow to the gut.  I'm sorry, Lord.  I'm sorry and I want to do better.  I want to be more joyful and hopeful and helpful to you, to my children, to my husband, my friends and my community.  With your help and your divine Spirit living inside me, I know I can do better.

God, please heal Precious.  Please help her to start sleeping so we can all feel better.  Please forgive me and fill me take me to a new place with you, Lord.  Thank you for loving me even in spite of me.  I love you too, Abba Father.

Orange Thread

Tonight I was threading a needle to sew a bow on Claire's dance costume.  It was orange thread for a song called Orange Colored Sky.  She will perform with her company this weekend and we are going as a family to watch and cheer her on.  I love that we are a family who can and will go to great lengths to do the extra stuff.  It will cost us dearly in time, money, and sanity but we are making memories and investing in the confidence and celebration of our kids.  I didn't grow up that way.  We didn't have these opportunities as children.  Those were simple times and some were really good times.  My best friends were sisters who lived across the street and at some point when we were 10 or so, we started doing stitching.  We did latchhook and embroidery and cross stitch.  We could sit in a room together, the 3 of us, and stitch and talk as little girls.  Much simpler times.  Claire has recently taken up cross stitch.  I love to watch her with her project, digging into my old sewing kit for a scissors or needle...and I wonder.  When I was 10 or so, my mom bought me the sewing box and all the supplies and taught me how to stitch.  Do you think she knew that I would one day use that sewing kit and needle and orange thread to fasten a bow on my dancer's costume?  She may not have known it then, but she was investing in my confidence and the celebration of who I was.  So again, I wonder.  What will Claire and Precious do as mothers for their children? 

Sin may have us fighting generational yuck but the glorious Savior also has us celebrating and building on generational goodness.  Jesus always wins. 

One year

One year ago I wrote my first post.  Today marks the one year anniversary of my blogging life.  Pretty crazy.  I had been reading blogs for awhile and really never considered starting one until my friend suggested it, set it up and got me going.  Thanks, Lori.  Who could have known how much this would bless me!  It started out to be an adoption blog but has turned into much more than that.  I wondered if I should just end it here.  We're going to send it away to be published thusfar and save it for Precious Maryn, for her "lifebook" box.  (I"m just not organized enough to get it all in one book so it will likely be a box full of letters, pictures, books, etc.) 

I think for now I'll keep going.  If I run out of things to say I will bid it farewell but for now, I think I can come up with a worthwhile word or two.  Thank you, everyone for reading.  Even if noone read it, I would still be writing, but its fun to see that people do read.

Tuesday's tangible kingdom

I've started the book The Tangible Kingdom and am enjoying the insights of it.  God blessed me today with a living example of the tangible kingdom that I want to share.  His name is Paul.  I'm not changing his name for the sake of anonymity.  He deserves the credit.  I had 10 minutes to spare after dropping off swimmers, before a well-baby check-up.  I did not have enough gas (literally and metaphorically) for my marathon work day tomorrow so I zipped into the full service station rather than stand outside in the freezing wind and cold. 

I rolled down the window to receive my credit card and say a quick hello to my former classmate who was my attendant at the pumps.  Paul has always been sweet, kind and steadfast in his faith and I enjoy chatting with him.  I said "hey" and he said, "That was a really big sigh, Niki"  (oh, I sighed?  huh.  yeah...kind of remember it now, big deep breath as I finally stop moving for a bit, guage my progress for the afternoon, glance at what is next...." laughing a bit, "Yes, Paul.  It was.  I feel like I've been all over today, on snowy, windy roads, in and out of the cold...the kids are busy, Roger is out of town and Precious is not sleeping.  I'm sure it was a big sigh.  I feel like I'm just catching my breath."  Paul looked me straight in the eye, standing out there in the cold and said this, "Well, let me ask you, Niki...do you need some help?"  He was so serious and so brave and so ready to do whatever I might need at that moment.  I felt like I was looking into the face of Jesus and I almost wept.  "Actually, Paul.  I'm ok.  I quit work early today and went home for a nap and I think I'll make it now until Roger gets home."  "Are you sure?"  I know that in that moment if I had asked for anything, big or small, he would have made it happen.  That, my friends, is the tangible kingdom.  You know what else?  The fact that he saw me heave a sigh and cared enough to ask how I was and to offer his hand to me...that made all the difference.  I feel like I got a hug from Jesus.  I feel like if something comes up I can call Paul and he will help.  I have tons of support, many friends and family willing to help me all the time, but this was different.  It was random and selfless and completely spontaneous.  I want to be like Paul.  Tomorrow when I venture out for my monster of a day, on little sleep with a messy house, I plan to look for that moment when I can do what Paul did.  I want to look someone dead-on in the eye and mean it when I ask, "let me ask you this...do you need help?" 

I doubt very much that Paul reads blogs but some of you know him.  Smile when you see him because Paul was Jesus to me today.  All he had to do was ask.  May the Lord bless him and keep him and make his face to shine upon Paul and give him peace. 

Ecclesiastes 4
;10 "If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!" This is my Isaac on the right with his friend Parker. Parker is a little bit older and a little bit faster than Isaac. They have been friends since they were preschoolers. Neither would have had the courage to join the swim team without the other one. Now they are tri-state and midwestern qualifiers. Isaac may be chasing Parker in the water but they are tried and true buddies. They are simply little boys with little problems and little cares in this world. They have eachother in this big pool. Isn't that grand? This picture makes me wonder. Who's sitting next to me in the pool? Who am I sitting beside? Who am I challenging to make better, stronger, faster? Who is challenging me? Who keeps pace with me and always shows up for the work-out with me? If one of these little guys fell in the pool, the other would definitely reach down and pick him up. (After rocking back in laughter and squealing at the fool he made of himself of course. :) What's life without a bit of humor?

Isaac was blessed to have 2 of his 3 sets of grandparents at the meet. This is Papa Buzz and Grandma Mary who Precious Maryn is named after. Isaac was pretty proud to have his peeps there!

Precious is 6 months old today.  Its hard to believe.  In those first days and weeks, when she was so fragile and frail it was hard to imagine what she would be like later.  This rolly-polly, sweet, baby with a huge personality has completely enraptured us all.  If that can happen in 6 months, I am bracing myself for what 6 years and 6 times 6 years will look like with her!  She loves to eat cereal and baby food but her tummy still behaves like a preemie so we all pay for it after a big bowl of "real food".  Thank goodness for gripe water.  She also loves to sit and watch and listen as Claire practices the violin.  Other than when she sleeps, this is the ONLY time she is not moving.  She's like a statue, watching every single movement of the instrument.  I am also very hesitant to admit that she is becoming a mama's girl. Dad was the star for awhile but in the past week, she's jumped into the mommy camp.  Sigh.  Another one.  4 for 4.  I love being loved but I really thought Roger would win this time.  Oh well.  She's the last so I'll enjoy her extra time in my arms. 

Isaac did great in his meet yesterday and won his heet more than once.  His overall times were not fast enough to place in the top 6 for his age group but I think he was not too disappointed.  It gives him something to strive for and swim for next year.  (Auntie Lois, sorry we missed your call yesterday.  This is the short version.)   Now we just have practice for a month until we go to the grand-daddy of all meets for us in Omaha in March.  After the meet, Roger took a quick snooze, then took the kids tubing with our church.  He was definitely super-dad and super-hunny for me for 2 days straight, giving me time and space to clean, get groceries, relax and prep for the next week while he's gone.  He'll be back wednesday so its not as long as last time.  I used my 4 hours with just P to get groceries, have a book chat with a friend over a glass of wine and catch a quick burger with my parents and niece.  By the time we returned they were pulling into the garage.  It was a full day and everyone slept well.  Except Roger, who kept Precious so I could have one more night of good sleep. 

The kids are outside making a snowman because we finally have snow that will pack.  Guess it needs to be at least 27 degrees to build anything out there!  Ths sun is shining and the baby is sleeping.  For the time being, its all good!

Blessed are the meek

http://www.sarahscovenanthomes.blogspot.com/2009/09/all-44-childrens-profiles.html

This is Rachel. A friend and I chose to sponsor her and asked our husbands to "give us this" for Christmas. If you feel blessed and nudged, check out the link, sign up for a partial or full sponsorship.

Matthew 5 was my reading this morning.
The Beatitudes:
"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."
Matt 5:3-10

On wednesday I began to journal some thoughts with my devotional time.  I haven't really done that much since I started blogging.  Curiously, since I have journelled each day, I have not blogged.  Guess I only have enough thoughts for one sit-down.  Scary, isn't it?  I have been very behind both at work and at home so I've hit both elements of my life full force in the past 2 days and now feel more caught up.  Its a good thing since Roger leaves again tomorrow. 

Today Isaac swims in the tri-state championship swim meet.  He is nervous and has been up since 5am.  Its a big deal, being a first-time swimmer and only 7 years old.   The meet is at home, thankfully, so we're not loading kids up in the dark to drive somewhere on a saturday morning.  Later in the day, Roger plans to take the 3 big kids tubing with our church so they are excited for a full day.  Precious and I hope to get groceries while they are sailing down an icy hill.  Then she and I will light candles, put on a movie or some music and just relax.  That's the plan.  I'll let you all know how it pans out.

Matthew 1 and 2/Ash wednesday

Today I read from Matthew, chapters 1 and 2.  The Holy Spirit really shined a light on the fact that major decisions were made after an angel of the Lord came in the night in a dream, giving clear directions.  Whoa.  It got me thinking.  I would love it if God would send an angel to me in a dream to talk to me and give me counsel and direction for my life in this world.  But what if....what if that happened.  These angel visitations radically changed the plans of Mary, Joseph, the Magi....and they were obedient and were rewarded with God's favor.  What if an angel came to me in a dream and told me to do something or not do something...could I make it stick when I woke up?  What if it happened to my husband, as it did with Joseph, and all of a sudden we were moving to a different house, country, etc.  What if it was something God wanted me to do and I had to have the courage to confront my family with God's will.  Would they lock me up in the "looney bin" and disregard my dream?  Would they say, "well, Niki, if an angel of the Lord told you to (such and such, so and so), then of course, lets go for it!"

 My first instinct was to say, "why, God?  Why don't you send angels to our dreams to speak your will to us?" and after thinking through it, I think I may know the answer.  We have evolved into a people who doubt, second-guess, rationalize and talk ourselves into and out of anything we choose.  I feel, tonight, that it breaks God's heart.  I feel, tonight, that the Lord would love to send his beautiful, loyal, worshipping angels into our dreams to tell us things, to give us direction, to help us.  I feel that He is grieved by our ability to denouce our dreams and do self-talk that suits our comfortable life.  The rest of Matthew chronicles the life and death of Jesus, our Savior so I look forward to thinking about that more and more as I read through Matthew in this 40 days before Easter.  I'm sad and sorry we are so pathetic and I am grateful and hopeful because our Saviour knew it would happen and came long ago to redeem us even though...

I don't attend a church that does ash wednesday service.  I don't have ashes on my forhead today.  But spiritually and conteplatively, I do.  I can almost imagine an angel of the Lord with a bowl made of marble, filled with the ashes of the palm branches burned last year after Palm Sunday.  I can almost see this angel reflect on those ashes, remembering the children of God singing "Hosannah! to the Highest" and celebrating Jesus as He rode through the crowds on a donkey.  I can almost see this angel's eyes fill with tears as he thinks of what these worshippers do to the Christ, what we do to Jesus, when we put our agenda before the will of the Lord.  If I tune out the world and turn off the 3-dimentional room I sit in, I can almost feel the angel's presence before me and the pressure of his thumb on my forhead as he annoints me with the ashes.  Maybe angels still visit us.  Maybe because of the favor of God, we get to experience it when we are awake sometimes.

Marinated Grilled Chicken

This is a recipe I've used several times and it is good every time.  When my boys ask for seconds and thirds of something that is neither deep-fat fried nor full of sugar, it warrants sharing.  It has way too many ingredients for this humble housewife but they are things I usually have on hand and it is so, so good.  Hope you try it soon!

Marinated Grilled Chicken
1 1/2 c. vegetable oil                                
3/4 c. soy sauce                                      
1/4 c. worcestershire sauce
2 T. dry mustard
1 T. pepper
1/3 c. lemon juice                                     
2 1/2 tsp salt                                            
1/2 c. wine vinegar                                  
1 1/2 T. parsley
1-2 garlic cloves, minced
3-4 lbs. chicken pieces

Mix ingredients.  Pour over chicken in zip-lock bag or nonmetal bowl.  marinate in fridge for at least 1 hour.
Grill or broil.  Serves 5-6.
Tonight we ate ours with baked sweet potatoes and homemade apple sauce.  The kids had plain yellow potatoes and store bought apple sauce but we did have victory with the chicken!

Precious and I are wondering why it has to be "Fat" Tuesday and not just "get a good taste of what you'll be missing for the next 40 days Tuesday"...ok, I guess that would be hard to advertise for.

correction

I reread the passage where Jesus was annointed and Mary "took about a pint of pure nard, an expensive perfume; she poured it on Jesus' feet and wiped his feet with her hair.  And the house was filled with the fragrance of the perfume."  John 12:3.  Nard, not alabaster, unless they are the same.  My bible describes nard as a fragrant ointment imported from the mountains if India.  It was very expensive and the amount Mary used was worth a year's wages. 

That in itself is worth thinking about today.  As we do our taxes, I am aware of last years wages.  Can I give the entire amount to Jesus, to lay at his feet?  Can I bless my saviour with every penny I earn? 

Well, not today.  We're stuck at home again in "inclement weather".  Boy am I getting sick of that term.  Guess I will be practicing patience and kindness with my homebound children today.  And their candy. 

Love is patient and kind.

Its sunday night again.  I'm watching all the late start and cancellation and closed road announcements scroll across the coverage of the olympics.  Sigh.  I sent my kids to bed on time even though there was a late start announcement.  What they don't know won't hurt them today.  They've had alot of valentine candy and the best place for them is in bed, even if school doesn't start until 10am.   I got beautiful roses from my valentine and we had a weekend close to home.  It was nice not to travel far on the yucky roads.  I am so grateful for my husband.  My heart aches for friends who do not get to savor a lifelong romance this year.  Some have not yet married, some are divorced, and most wish for and long for someone to share life with.  Lord, grant them the desires of their heart and bring them someone to love here on earth.  Help us all to model our marriages after your ideal, Christ and the church.  Help me to put my husband's needs before mine and to be gracious and humble in the big and small things.  Help me to be a better valentine to him in the future than I have ever been in the past. 

Love is patient, love is kind.  The love passage is very tough.  Just the patient and kind parts are hard enough!  I marvel at God's timing and wisdom because this weekend we got to celebrate the love in our lives and be challenged to be more loving.  Now this week, the focus shifts to ash wednesday and the season of lent.  It's not something my church really focuses on be we had a good sermon tonight about this very thing...transitioning to the season of lent and starting on wednesday.  I can try hard in the area of love but when I fix my eyes on Jesus, and lent and Easter, I really get to see love.  Love spent 40 days in the desert, fasting and praying and being tempted before He began his ministry of teaching and healing and loving.  Love received alabaster perfume on the night he was to die.  Love went to the cross so that when I fail at being patient and kind, I can be forgiven and redeemed and purified and be in a love relationship with Him.  Love did that.  Jesus is patient.  Jesus is kind. 

I will determine to be more patient with others and more kind to everyone, myself included.  I am anticipating a very busy work week with lots of make-up work from last week when I was home more with Precious.  (She is quite well now, just an occasional cough.)  My challenge is defintely in being more patient at home and more kind in my professional world.  Maybe if I think hard about being patient and kind I won't get so crabby about the freezing cold wind and snow...

Praying

Dear Lord, I pray today for people who are hurting.  I lift up to you, namelessly, those I am thinking of who are suffering right now.  Reach down and touch them, Lord, with your healing hand.  Pour out mercy and relief and comfort and restoration.  I pray against sin and strongholds, in the name of Jesus, that by the power of your name these that I love would be released from sin and strongholds.  I pray for relief and peace from mental anguish.  I pray for comfort and freedom from pain, physically.  I pray for emotional healing in relationships by your divine wisdom and your wonder-working power.  The things that are wrong with us are often things we cannot fix but you can, Lord.  Fix what is wrong.  Please.  Help me, help us to know how to help.  Show me, show us things we can do to be your hands and feet. You delight in our acts of service, Lord, when we do them for your glory.  Delight in me.  Show me.  Reveal your heart to me.  I want to help you love the hurting and I want you to receie all the glory in it.  Let this be a day for your glory, Lord.  I love you and I need you and I am so glad I can start the day interceding and not worrying about those that I love who are hurting.  Bless you, Abba Father.  Amen.

Precious is singing again. After a week of listening to her cough and wheeze and rattle, we now hear more of her songs. Praise God. I missed her songs. We took this picture tonight and she looks so healthy, doesn't she? We're still doing the steroids, the antibiotics, the breathing treatments, the prayers...but we're also feeding her cereal, giving more and more bottles and hearing her squeals of laughter at the kids. She is showing off her new bracelet from her "auntie" Renita. It is silver and pink and spells "Precious" in block letters. It's her first "bling" and we love it. Ok, so I have to say it. In this picture, I can see her joy of living, her fiesty personality and some grey hairs in my future. She's just way too cute.

I was and was not prepared.

When my dream of adopting became a reality I was prepared for the paperwork, the home study visits, the waiting and the cost.  I was not prepared for feeling like I had to prove I was a worthy parent.  I was prepared for the uncertainty, the commitment to prayer.  I was not prepared to look back and see how God fit all the pieces together in His precise timeline, to be amazed and dumb-founded by His perfect plan for the child He had chosen for us.  I was prepared to care for an infant when we got to the point that we knew we would likely get an infant girl. I was not prepared to feel my throat catch and tears to well up when I speak about "my girls" the way I have spoken of "my boys" and how great that sounds to me.  I was prepared to learn about formula, do midnight feedings and change diapers  I was not prepared for how much I enjoy feeding and bathing (see the pictures below) and changing this baby.   I was prepared and aching to hold my new baby daughter but I was not prepared for the flood of joy and love I feel when her head falls softly to my shoulder, fast asleep as I am bustling around the house.  I was prepared to love this child but I was not prepared for how much I would love this child.   I was prepared for networking with other adoptive families.  I was not prepared for how much I value this blogging world.  I get to write out the living-out of my dreams.  I get to write out and exchange thoughts with women around the globe (love you, Sarah Bess) and learn from you and share what God gives me.  One of my new blogging buddies, Carrie, asked about Precious as I was going in to dance with Claire and she was leaving with her kids.  From across the road I told her P was ill.  She yelled back, "I'll pray" and I know she will.  Thanks, Carrie.  I get to show who I really am to family and friends who live near and far and it feels so good.  I was not prepared to feel this good when I reveal this much.

Precious is much better.  I think we have survived her first real illness, thanks to many prayers, attentive medical care, her nana and her wonderful father who picks up my slack every day.  (Just for the record, he picks up my slack but I pick up his dishes, his socks, his coat.....)

After a long and restless night that did not result in a healthier baby, we returned to the clinic today.  She does not have RSV or pneumonia but she has bronchiolitis, which is a fancy word for upper respiratory infection.  We came very close to being admitted to the hospital but her breathing settled down when she fell asleep so we get to just treat her at home for now.  If she gets worse we'll head to the hospital where they can monitor her oxygen more closely and I can feel more like a mom than a nurse.  I also got an antibiotic for this wretched sinus infection so hopefully by this time tomorrow we will both be in much better shape.

thank you again for praying.  I feel prayed for.  Knowing you are lifted up in prayer is a very strange and wonderful sensation.  Its as if where there should be panic, instead there is peace.  Where worry should consume, the space is filled with a song or a nap or a phone call from a friend.  That is definitely proof that God delights in our prayers.  For now, sin exists in the world but so does God and so our prayers avail much.  Our prayers break in on sin and sickness and suffering and we receive blessings from the Lord.  I am not thankful that Precious is sick or that I am, but I am thankful that I get to experience prayer.

Precious vigil/holy night.

I'm settling in tonight for the Precious vigil.  Last night I took a break for 5 hours and slept in bed while dad stayed with P and gave her breathing treatments, kept her head elevated and dozed when he could.  Tonight he needs to sleep and be rested for a busy work week.  We have an agreement that he does most of the night stuff on the weekend and I do more during the week since my job is part time and I can get by with being a bit sleepy...makes me more sympathetic to the mommies I visit who are often exhausted. 

Thank you again for prayers.  I think she's getting better.  I got more smiles and kisses tonight and the wheezing subsides pretty quickly after we do the nebulizer...I am grateful for my experience as a nurse to rely on or I'm guessing we would have been visiting the hospital this weekend. 

I have not been very motivated so far to revisit the Christmas carols.  We have been inundated with snow and wintery weather and the magic of stretching the holiday season is loosing its intrigue for me.  Sorry.  I will share a few thoughts, from one of my favorites, though.

O Holy Night...when I think of this song, I picture the church I grew up in with its stained glass windows and traditional sanctuary.  A beautiful soprano sang this song every Christmas Eve and we grew to expect it.  Every time I hear it I am moved by the power and awesome fact that the Lord of the Universe came as a baby in the night to save the world.  O Holy Night, the stars are brightly shining it is the night of the dear Savior's birth.  (February 7 may not have been the original night of Jesus' birth....or it could have been, who knows?)Long lay the world in sin and error pining (and so we still are thus)til He appeared and the soul felt its worth. (He made my soul have worth, he declared me worth saving and redeeming)The thrill of hope the weary world rejoices for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn!  Fall on your knees, oh hear the angel voices, oh night divine, oh night when Christ was born, oh night, oh holy night, oh night divine. 

Tonight is not the Holy night but I can declare it in His holy honor, the night I give my best to my baby girl who needs her mama to help her, hold her, nurse her back to health.  I can pray when I am awake feeding and treating and soothing.  I can listen to the quiet of the house and the sound of the wind outside the window and feel grateful that I am in a warm home.  I can listen more closely and maybe, just maybe, hear the angel voices singing praises.  Because Jesus won the battle over sin and death and because he is alive and here with me, I can call this night divine.  I do have the thrill of hope in a weary world.  I do know that just down the way breaks a new and glorious morning....

Waiting to swim.

Isaac swam like he had fins and qualified for the midwestern meet in several events. I think he even suprised himself!

Thank you for your prayers. Precious is not completely well but she is not worse either. Here are some pictures from the swim meet yesterday.

Sometimes just having this blog is the answer to my prayers.  Please pray for Precious Maryn tonight.  She has had a cold for 2 weeks and yesterday I didn't like the sounds in her lungs through my stethoscope.  We went in to the doctor and he agreed with my impression of her lungs (smile...gotta love it when the doctor says the nurse knows what she is talking about...especially when the nurse is also the mama).  He put her on an antibiotic and a short dose of steroid to open her lungs and jump start her immune system.  Tonight she is really wheezing and I am bringing in some big guns (i.e. a friend's nebulizer machine) to give her some breathing treatments through the night.  Please pray that the meds take hold and ease her breathing, that the illness respond to the treatment and that she rest well.  Please pray that Jesus would heal her.  We've been all over the place this weekend  and she loves it, she's such a flirt and very social...but now its time to hunker down and rest and heal. 

I smile as I type because I know that if I ask for prayers, you all WILL pray...and the floodgates of heaven will open up as God receives the prayers.  He's calling the angels for the telethon, placing them before the phone lines, ready to receive the calls, their bowls ready to add the prayers...and there's probably one angel, the one who gaurds me always who is a bit annoyed with me and saying to the Healer, "Lord, can I have a word with you...its about Niki..."  May God give my gaurdian angel vacation and rest and a raise. 

in prayer, in awe and blessed

Tonight I am sitting up way later than I should.  We have to get up early tomorrow morning for a swim meet but I am savoring peace and quiet and reflection.   I am capable of a much better musing than my pathetic whining about February and how long and tedious the winter gets....so here is the contempletave side of me. 

Tonight I am in awe again, in a new and fresh way, when I think of Jesus.  The Father, Son and Holy Spirit have blown me away once again as my triune God...I am in awe because God, all of God, is so divine, but so human, so holy yet so funny and intimate and candid and deep and real...how can people not believe in God?  It makes no sense to me.  I feel Him so much closer when I am living in the world and in the Spirit, when my worship becomes my work and my daily grind becomes my prayer and my prayers become my scheduled events...and He is so jealous for my time that He keeps breaking in on everything I do, everything I try to say or want or think and He just re-routes me.  I am in awe. 

I have done alot of corporate prayer in the past 24 hours and I know myself well enough to seek out my prayer warriors to be covering me while I was covering others.  I am just blown away by God's provision for me in that.  When I had to travel, though it was snowy and yucky I found dry roads.  When I had to focus, I was not distracted by the baby who is sick, or by physical distraction.  When I had to do the stuff of the world and the stuff of life, I know that I had prayer warriors prepping me in the Spirit, praying me forward even though my attention was elsewhere.  I am in awe.  God uses people.  For good.  For great.  It feels so good to be used and to watch him use others to help me.  Thank you, everyone who helped me today.  Some took over the vigil of childcare (my dearly beloved spouse), some fed me (Jen and her chili), some prayed me through (Danielle), some encouraged me with scripture (Missy-bless you, sister.  I read your email just now) and some were praying for the cause set before me and it gave me so much strength and clarity and boldness.  Wow and wow.  I am in awe of the wonder-working power of the Lord.

The newest song I put on the playlist is called Tree.  If I figure out how to do it, I'll put the U-Tube video on with it...may need my techno-hubby's help to add that feature...anyway.  This song is beautiful.  It is prayer.  I hope you notice that the songs I list are prayers, for the most part.  "I want to be like a tree planted by the stream of Living Water"...and I am playing it in honor of the woman I prayed with tonight who is steadfast in her faith, beautiful in her love even in the darkness of a storm...I pray that God will make me a strong and steady Tree when trouble finds me because she is an inspiration to me as I see her weathering this storm.  My pastor said recently, "We are blessed to bless" and so it is tonight.  May you be blessed as I am blessed.

The best things about February:

1.  ummmm.
2.  well-its not January
3.  sigh.
4.  Valentine's day is fun....express feelings of love and warm fuzzies...eat chocolate, go off the diet.....
5.  huh.
6.  its a short month
7.  hummmmm?  
8.  yeah.
9.  February.  oh!.....  ok, so that's not so great.....
10.  this is definitely NOT my favorite month.  Spring?  Where are you Spring?.....

Once upon a time there was a young girl who had a baby.  She did not have a husband or a mother or a father.  She did not have money or influence or priveledge.  She did not have many friends.  One day she decided she really wanted to go to church so she packed up the baby and nervously drove to her church of choice, though she had never attended a service there before.  She sat in the parking lot and had a wave of fear overtake her and did not dare go in.  She changed her mind, backed out and went to the grocery store instead.  The next week she tried again but when she got to the church, there was nowhere to park.  She circled the block and again, there was nowhere to park.  Once more around the block and still no parking.  So she left.  She got groceries.  Again.  She hungered and thirsted for the peace and strength and welcoming atmosphere of church...and has not yet been fulfilled.  She told me today she is going to try again next week.

This is a true story and one that has left me feeling very humble and convicted.  I am a member of a wonderful church.  I always have a parking spot.  There is always someone at the door, greeting me by name, smiling, welcoming me in.  When I sit with my rowdy family, we receive smiles and hugs and well-wishes.  We know we have a place in our church.  We sing, we pray, we hear the Word preached, we worship, we fellowship, we live the church life.  So many aspects that I take for granted when a bitter root takes hold and gives me some little thing to complain about at church.  How dare I complain.  I was welcomed in.  I will work hard, with God's help, to be grateful, to be hopeful, to be hospitable in church.  This girl may not ever attend my church, but someone else will who, just maybe, tried to come a few times and panicked and left, just maybe drove around the block and didn't dare come in, fearing judgement or worse, being invisible.  God, help me to see the invisible ones in my church.  Lead the lost sheep into your churches, Lord and help us to see them and to embrace them and to welcome them.  Help us to do it the way you want it done, Lord.  Help us to do church the way you want it done.  Amen.

Speaking of weakness, I tried one of those wacky short-term fad diets and couldn't even make it the full 3 days.  What I'm pondering this morning is whether my weakness was a lack of discipline to follow through with 3 measly days of weird food and little of it, or whether my weakness was due to this lingering viral illness that makes my head feel ready to explode, or whether my weakness was to try it in the first place. 

I know what healthy eating looks like.  I know what healthy weight loss looks like.  It takes time and patience and its quite boring and steadfast...and filled with denial of little pleasures...I know fad diets don't work long term, the weight always returns and they are bad for our bodies.  I know that exercise is key to a healthy weight and healthy lifestyle and for me, if I'm so hungry I'm lethargic and dizzy and can't exercise, it's probably a bad idea. 

I embrace health and wellness.  Strength is focusing on health and so I quit the diet half way through.  I was tired and crabby and felt like crap.  Sigh.  Today I don't feel weak.  I had egg-beaters in a pita for breakfast with melon and coffee WITH sweetener and fat free cream.  Take that, fad diet. 

weakness

I haven't been at the computer for the past few days.  Once my hubby got home on friday night, I crashed and tried to sleep off this killer cold I got from Precious.  Saturday I took Claire shopping, just the two of us, which was so over-due.  We had a productive day spiffing up her wardrobe since she is growing so fast she's out of clothes for school...and we had lunch at the Olive Garden (even though I couldn't taste anything).  I got a good cold med from the pharmacist at Target and that allowed me to taste and enjoy the dinner out I had with Roger saturday night which was also long over-due.  I do enjoy my husband.  Sunday we rested.  Today I feel better. 

Yesterday I was talking with a friend at church who commented on sharing my sentiments last week, feeling weak and overwhelmed with a sleepless night caring for a baby, etc.  I said, "yeah, sometimes I look around and realize that many people I meet every day read the blog and know how weak and fragile I am" and she laughed and said something like, "well, we all feel that way, we just don't admit it". 

Weakness.  Twice yesterday I was led to scripture about weakness and I think God wants me to just think about how he feels about my human weakness.  I think He wants me to remember how desperate and overwhelmed and unable I felt, and then to really look at how the week went in His care.

"In the same way the Spirit helps us in our weakness.  We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."  romans 8 v26.

"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses so that Christ's power may rest on me."  (wow).  2 corinth 12 v8,9

This morning I will take some time to sit in attendance before the Lord.  I won't praise or intercede, but rather I will listen and just be still before His throne.  If my thoughts wander, as they always do, I will say the words, "I am weak but you are strong" and go back to the place of just sitting quietly before God.  Like Claire, and Roger, I feel long over-due to spend some time with my Lord.