We all have them, the ah-ha! moments in life. A light goes off, the fog clears, the chorus sings, "hallelulia!"...or maybe just a deep, rich, warm fuzzie. I had one just now. Precious Maryn, at 18 months old, is fiesty, busy, and exhausting. Lately, I have been feeling like 42 is way too old to parent such a toddler. I've been feeling beaten down, like an old grandma trying to be a young, fun mom. I was sad that I don't have the enthusiasm to finger paint with whip cream and make crafts with pasta and go the the rec center to watch her climb on mats, like I did for the other kids. I was feeling bad that I'm an old mom. I, me, I, me, woa is me, sad am I...yada yada, yada. Yuck.
Claire asked me to watch her practice her solo dance which she will perform the end of February in Minneapolis. This is a big deal for us because its a solo and its grandeose and she may not be able to do it again due to the financial part of it all...so I'm savoring it. I left the dirty dishes and went to the study where she practices. Precious, of course, followed me in because she is my shadow. She and the silly dog. One to my left and one to my right, wherever I go. The music started. The solo is to "Jesus take the Wheel" and the words alone make my throat tight when I hear it, but to see Claire dancing to it is almost too much for this sentimental mom. As Claire danced, Precious followed her, did the moves she did, watched but not too close because I think she also has the piece memorized. Claire was giggling and trying to avoid stepping on Precious, who was in a fine arabesque on the floor...and I got the ah-ha moment.
Its not about me. Again. Still. Watching this beautiful child dancing, smiling, shadowing her big sister. Its about her life. She is here because God said Yes to our prayers for a daughter, for an adoption that celebrated life and its Sanctity. She has a hope and a future because we said "yes" even though we are old and weary. Claire has a sister, the boys have a grid for adoption. We have four beautiful children. We're doing a mediocre job most of the time but if I can capture an ah-ha moment once in awhile and if someone else can celebrate with us in the mundane things of life, than its not too shabby. Precious Maryn is amazing. She is the ah-ha moment every time I stop to notice. Thank you Jesus.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
bullriding
I'm on the couch on a sunday afternoon, watching bull-riding. I can't help it. I'm mesmerized. What an insanely scary and interesting thing to watch, not to mention do. They get flung around, then bucked off or they fly off and the slow motion cameras catch every detail of the fall. This last guy got drug out by other cowboys because he couldn't stand up on his own. Some cowboys are even fixed with microphones so you can hear the grunts and thugs. Who would do such a thing? What motivates them? Is it thrill? Is it love of rodeo? Money? Who knows. Its very exciting.
Parenting can be like bull-riding, I think. Some people are terrified of being parents. Some of us are hooked for life by it. Having kids is insanely scary and interesting to watch and to do. Some days we do get tossed around, bucked off, hurt or offended. Sometimes we need each other to drag us away for a rest. Sometimes the four minutes go perfectly text book and we call it a good ride for that day. Many of you experience my slow motion details, my grunts and thugs. Thanks for watching this bull ride.
Precious is feeling pretty good these days. The inhaler works well and she's tolerating the singulair again. Sleep is not quite our friend but definitely not the enemy any more. Jeremiah feels pretty lousy right now. We're going in tomorrow for a strep test. No fever but huge tonsils, very tearful and pale and not his cheerful self. He also suffers every winter from a case of SAD (wintertime blues, lack of sunshine, etc.) Later in the week we are flying to Arizona for a long weekend. A good dose of sunshine and grandparent love should help alot. Isaac has his short, water-proof cast on and is much more "normal". His first attempt at swim practice didn't go well because his arm was stiff and heavy but overall he is doing great. 2 weeks left until we are cast-free. Claire had a big bump in the road this weekend and suffered a migraine for the first time. Neither Roger nor I have ever had one and it took us by suprise. I'll ask the doctor tomorrow for a treatment plan if it happens again. It was pretty scary for us.
That's the highlights from the rodeo we call life. Our parenting bull-riding adventure is in full swing. Check back in later in the week as we navigate 4 children flying to Arizona for a grandpa's 80th birthday party. I'm anxious to take and share some new pictures. I'm so tired of the same background for photos. Boring walls, boring carpet, stuck in doors. Spring is coming. Vacation is coming. Sunshine is coming. Warmer days are coming. Thank you Lord for changing seasons!
Parenting can be like bull-riding, I think. Some people are terrified of being parents. Some of us are hooked for life by it. Having kids is insanely scary and interesting to watch and to do. Some days we do get tossed around, bucked off, hurt or offended. Sometimes we need each other to drag us away for a rest. Sometimes the four minutes go perfectly text book and we call it a good ride for that day. Many of you experience my slow motion details, my grunts and thugs. Thanks for watching this bull ride.
Precious is feeling pretty good these days. The inhaler works well and she's tolerating the singulair again. Sleep is not quite our friend but definitely not the enemy any more. Jeremiah feels pretty lousy right now. We're going in tomorrow for a strep test. No fever but huge tonsils, very tearful and pale and not his cheerful self. He also suffers every winter from a case of SAD (wintertime blues, lack of sunshine, etc.) Later in the week we are flying to Arizona for a long weekend. A good dose of sunshine and grandparent love should help alot. Isaac has his short, water-proof cast on and is much more "normal". His first attempt at swim practice didn't go well because his arm was stiff and heavy but overall he is doing great. 2 weeks left until we are cast-free. Claire had a big bump in the road this weekend and suffered a migraine for the first time. Neither Roger nor I have ever had one and it took us by suprise. I'll ask the doctor tomorrow for a treatment plan if it happens again. It was pretty scary for us.
That's the highlights from the rodeo we call life. Our parenting bull-riding adventure is in full swing. Check back in later in the week as we navigate 4 children flying to Arizona for a grandpa's 80th birthday party. I'm anxious to take and share some new pictures. I'm so tired of the same background for photos. Boring walls, boring carpet, stuck in doors. Spring is coming. Vacation is coming. Sunshine is coming. Warmer days are coming. Thank you Lord for changing seasons!
Friday, January 28, 2011
Daughter
The Lord called me "daughter" this week. Its happened before, in a beautiful quiet whisper deep within my soul. Not audible, just that still small voice I knew was His. This time it was because I was not sure about what I was hearing, whether it was God or just my own thoughts, etc. I articulated that to someone, that I wasn't sure it was God I had heard, and soon thereafter, he said, "Daughter! I told you.....". Woah. Yep. He called me daughter. It's biblical, its sound, its true to His character. I could float for days and days on the idea that God Almighty calls me daughter. Never mind he was being firm with me, straightening me out, calling me on the carpet a bit. Never mind the discipline behind the tone. I'm smiling more than usual because he called me Daughter. I love my Lord so, so much. What an honor to be a daughter to the Lord of Lords and King of Kings.
God, let my thoughts and my words and my steps reflect my inheritance in you. You adopted me, you drew me in to your nest. You parent me and you assure me and you teach me every day. Abba Father, you have succeeded in blowing me away again. Thank you.
God, let my thoughts and my words and my steps reflect my inheritance in you. You adopted me, you drew me in to your nest. You parent me and you assure me and you teach me every day. Abba Father, you have succeeded in blowing me away again. Thank you.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
things I like
As I was folding laundry the other day (every day) I folded a pair of soft, flannel pajama pants from one of my kids. I can't even remember which one. I thought to myself, "if I were to make a list of my favorite things, pajama pants made of flannel would be one of them". So what else? What else do I like? Hmmm.
1. flannel pjs
2. the first cup of coffee every single morning
3. adoption stories
4. fresh flowers
5. sunshine
6. my wedding ring
7. vacation
8. chocolate
9. my bible
10. good music.
....not necessarily in that order. There is much more to add to the list but this is the quick and easy version. Name a few of your own favorites. Then celebrate them.
1. flannel pjs
2. the first cup of coffee every single morning
3. adoption stories
4. fresh flowers
5. sunshine
6. my wedding ring
7. vacation
8. chocolate
9. my bible
10. good music.
....not necessarily in that order. There is much more to add to the list but this is the quick and easy version. Name a few of your own favorites. Then celebrate them.
At 6:15 or so this morning, Jeremiah came dashing up the stairs in the dark, sobbing. He'd been having a bad dream and wasn't completely awake yet but he was bewildered, scared, disoriented and terrorized. Stupid devil. Leave my kids alone in their dreams. We pray every night that God would bless them as they sleep, that he would send his angels to gaurd and attend them as they rest.
Jeremiah, you are safe. You are ok. Jeremiah (reader), do you know that you are a royal priesthood, a chosen people, a holy nation, a people belonging to God? Do you know that the evil one can't have you because you are set apart as the Lord's? Do you know that God loves you and he wants to help you if you seek him and ask him? Do you know? Do you know that God has a plan for you, to give you a hope and a future? Jeremiah (reader), you are ok. That dirty devil just wants to mess with you at night cause he can't have you in the daytime. Tell him to shut up and go away. You didn't invite him in and he has no place in your head. Jeremiah (reader) you are safe. You are loved. You are a child of the most High God. You are an heir to the throne of God and God created every. living. thing. That's your God. The one who created, sustained, authored and will finish all things. Justice will come by His hand. Restoration will come in His time. Healing will come when He brings it forward. That's the God we get to cry out to when we feel covered in darkness and we are afraid. That's the God who is there when we are bewildered, scared, disoriented and terrorized. Stupid devil. Very, very Good God.
Jeremiah, you are safe. You are ok. Jeremiah (reader), do you know that you are a royal priesthood, a chosen people, a holy nation, a people belonging to God? Do you know that the evil one can't have you because you are set apart as the Lord's? Do you know that God loves you and he wants to help you if you seek him and ask him? Do you know? Do you know that God has a plan for you, to give you a hope and a future? Jeremiah (reader), you are ok. That dirty devil just wants to mess with you at night cause he can't have you in the daytime. Tell him to shut up and go away. You didn't invite him in and he has no place in your head. Jeremiah (reader) you are safe. You are loved. You are a child of the most High God. You are an heir to the throne of God and God created every. living. thing. That's your God. The one who created, sustained, authored and will finish all things. Justice will come by His hand. Restoration will come in His time. Healing will come when He brings it forward. That's the God we get to cry out to when we feel covered in darkness and we are afraid. That's the God who is there when we are bewildered, scared, disoriented and terrorized. Stupid devil. Very, very Good God.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Today the "wondering" took me to thoughts of whether I could heed the advice of our pediatric pulmonologist and let Precious cry at night, to teach her to sleep all night without either dad or mom. Trust me, it was a short "wonder". No. Not gonna happen. We signed up to parent an infant again. We chose this assignment. Babies need love at night. They will sleep all night later, when they are 3 or 4 or 5. Not when they are 1. If I want her to trust me, then I need to prove trust-worthy. She doesn't need to cry and cry, knowing I hear her, just outside the door and I'm not responding. If I want her to trust God I need to give her a template of trust. Night time and darkness are scary for little ones. I'll let her cry when I'm taking a shower or shoving her away from the hot oven. I'll let her cry when I have to keep her safe or prevent harm. Until I can't take it anymore, I will not let her cry in the night alone. There are children in America who have to. None of them live in my house.
Today the "wandering" took me through a store filled with lovely things. I found a few I wanted. Some I could get and others I could not. Shopping stinks when you are trying not to spend alot of money.
Wandering also took me to a place where I could share a deep ache and a deep experience with someone I love alot. I had not revealed this thing to this person before and in a wanderlust kind of freedom, I got to open the door to that raw, hurting place and let her see it. Nothing changed, but wandering let me go there today.
I wonder as I wander and so my story goes.
Today the "wandering" took me through a store filled with lovely things. I found a few I wanted. Some I could get and others I could not. Shopping stinks when you are trying not to spend alot of money.
Wandering also took me to a place where I could share a deep ache and a deep experience with someone I love alot. I had not revealed this thing to this person before and in a wanderlust kind of freedom, I got to open the door to that raw, hurting place and let her see it. Nothing changed, but wandering let me go there today.
I wonder as I wander and so my story goes.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
to wonder or to wander
Both really. I'm in a place with God where I'm feeling called to wonder...and to wander. My apologies if I'm all over the place for awhile. I'm setting out for a bit of a wander. Didn't Winnie the Pooh say something like that? Oh that's right, he called it a "walk-about" I think. I've felt like God was saying things to me about sitting, about settling, about tucking in, taking care, helping and blessing. Its a season to listen, to refine, to reflect, to rest. I get to wander awhile. I've been crying out to Him for my next assignment, my next big thing. I've asked, "What's the plan, Lord?" over and over and its been rather quiet, other than His smile, His presence, His attention. A good weekend of just "Be still and know that I am God", some attentive listening, some good bible teaching, and lastly a phrase at church tonight. A visiting preacher said, "Not all who wander are lost." I have that on a shirt. I love that phrase. I love the idea of it. You can purposefully wander and walk and observe and notice and be without doing great things. You can just press in to what is already going on and be obedient and enter into a season of wandering, of serving and worshipping and studying and sitting in the throne room of God. What a nice place to be. Really.
I'm praying for those around me who are feeling a bigger challenge, a new chapter, a fresh assignment from God. Its exciting to be them right now. Its also scary in the "leap of faith" kind of way, to be recklessly obedient to God when you feel called to a direct path. I know, I've been there as well. Its a rush, its lots of begging God and crying out and desperate clinging to the Lord. This walk-about is different. This plan to wander and savor and use all 5 senses for awhile, rather than the fight-or-flight mode, should be interesting. I'm getting rather excited for it, to be honest. I'm feeling a peace-filled sense of expectation. Apparently I have some things to learn, to wonder as I wander. I'll keep you all posted for sure!
I'm praying for those around me who are feeling a bigger challenge, a new chapter, a fresh assignment from God. Its exciting to be them right now. Its also scary in the "leap of faith" kind of way, to be recklessly obedient to God when you feel called to a direct path. I know, I've been there as well. Its a rush, its lots of begging God and crying out and desperate clinging to the Lord. This walk-about is different. This plan to wander and savor and use all 5 senses for awhile, rather than the fight-or-flight mode, should be interesting. I'm getting rather excited for it, to be honest. I'm feeling a peace-filled sense of expectation. Apparently I have some things to learn, to wonder as I wander. I'll keep you all posted for sure!
Saturday, January 22, 2011
they need me less
I'm home from my women's conference and for the first time, I left without children clinging to me and came home without the rush of arms around me. The big kids anyway. Precious Maryn rewarded me with big smiles and good hugs. The 3 big kids are all playing computers, their heads close together in the next room. They are laughing and helping eachother and playing together. No one needs my attention or my nurture tonight. A miracle. Granted, I got them all fed, bathed and affirmed earlier, but still. Its significant to note that they need me less. It's ok, I'm not sad. They still need me, just differently. I'll be just fine when they don't need me much at all. I don't have a strong need to be needed. I have a strong pull for love but not for need.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
What is God up to? Great question. Who dares to ask it and further more, who dares to search out the answers. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. What if the path leads to sacrifice or worse. What if it leads to an unveiling of more of my frailty? What if it has nothing to do with me at all....and I have to take my attention off me again and place it on the heart of the Father? Hmmm. What is God up to anyway? What is He thinking, what is He feeling about me, about my family, about my work and my rest. I want to go to the place where I can ask Him and then receive His answers, his ideas, his pictures, his thoughts as my own. I want to brave the waters and see where they take me. I know He has my best interests in mind and yet, He also has much bigger things to consider and doesn't mind if I suffer a bit as long as His Will Is Done. I hope to ask the questions more often. I hope that even if I don't like the answers, I can honor, fear and obey them. Its a new year. Its a good time for Spiritual inventory. I'm taking mine. I'm also dieting, trying to clean and declutter, taking radical steps of change in most areas of my life. Why not ask then, God, what are you up to? What are you thinking? Where is your heart? I do want to brave the waters and go deep with you, Lord, I do. Its hard to see the new lands if we never get off the shore and drift a bit. I think I'm about ready to shove off and just drift.
checking in
The other night I dreamed I was admitted to the hospital for a procedure. It was a vague same-day kind of thing, very controlled and health-seeking. I remember thinking it was wierd to have so much attention on me and worrying about everyone functioning without me for a day or two...typical mommy stuff, were it reality. Well, I am checking in to a hospital of sorts. Tomorrow afternoon I'm checking in at a women's retreat called COMPEL for a day and a half of spiritual care, rest, challenge and equipping. I can't wait. The speaker is the Proverbs 31 lady, Lisa Tyrkurst. I am praying today that all goes well with weather, travel, back scenes stuff and for supernatural protection for the team. My dear friend Jen is in charge and I want this to bless her as much as it will bless the rest of us!
Precious is getting along better and better. She slept great last night which means she's getting sick or she's getting over the nighttime craziness. Thank you all for your prayers! Isaac has to keep the full cast another week. Healing wasn't far enough yet to change it. He was ok with it since he knows for sure that next week he'll get the new short cast. ( He kind of likes leaving school before lunch and going out for lunch with dad before he goes back. :)) Jeremiah swims again on saturday in a meet. Its the first one ever that I have to miss, due to the conference. Dad and Isaac will cheer him on. Claire dances all weekend in a workshop with some professional dance instructors so she's super-pumped about that. We'll be busy and living life abundantly. Wish you all the same!
Precious is getting along better and better. She slept great last night which means she's getting sick or she's getting over the nighttime craziness. Thank you all for your prayers! Isaac has to keep the full cast another week. Healing wasn't far enough yet to change it. He was ok with it since he knows for sure that next week he'll get the new short cast. ( He kind of likes leaving school before lunch and going out for lunch with dad before he goes back. :)) Jeremiah swims again on saturday in a meet. Its the first one ever that I have to miss, due to the conference. Dad and Isaac will cheer him on. Claire dances all weekend in a workshop with some professional dance instructors so she's super-pumped about that. We'll be busy and living life abundantly. Wish you all the same!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Well its been over 24 hours now without bottles. She asks less often but when she wants to sleep its still misery. We have to establish new comfort, new cues, new rhythms. We can and we will but it will take time and patience and endurance. My husband is a rock. He is so good at this. I am humbled. I am pathetic.
She's happy and silly and mimicking everything that we say. Isaac: "Precious, say crackers. Precious, say cheese."....laugh, laugh, laugh....and so it goes. She follows claire around the room, copying her dance moves, even the dips and arabesque-thingies.....its adorable! We are so proud of her. I am deeply moved by her passion, her strength, her joy, her lively spirit. God made her so amazing. I just love her so, so much.
Tomorrow Isaac goes back to see the ortho for repeat xrays. We are hoping there was enough healing for a new short cast that is water-proof. Isaac, too, is beyond amazing. He never complains, never falls apart, never uses his broken arm as an excuse to not do chores or homework or anything else. quietly, he will ask for help zipping his coat in below-zero temps, and getting his stocking cap on straight. That's about it. I am so proud of him.
The other kids are great as well, but I don't have anything to brag about for them today. Its nice to have positive things to say for a change. Thanks for all your prayers. God has been very faithful.
She's happy and silly and mimicking everything that we say. Isaac: "Precious, say crackers. Precious, say cheese."....laugh, laugh, laugh....and so it goes. She follows claire around the room, copying her dance moves, even the dips and arabesque-thingies.....its adorable! We are so proud of her. I am deeply moved by her passion, her strength, her joy, her lively spirit. God made her so amazing. I just love her so, so much.
Tomorrow Isaac goes back to see the ortho for repeat xrays. We are hoping there was enough healing for a new short cast that is water-proof. Isaac, too, is beyond amazing. He never complains, never falls apart, never uses his broken arm as an excuse to not do chores or homework or anything else. quietly, he will ask for help zipping his coat in below-zero temps, and getting his stocking cap on straight. That's about it. I am so proud of him.
The other kids are great as well, but I don't have anything to brag about for them today. Its nice to have positive things to say for a change. Thanks for all your prayers. God has been very faithful.
Enduring
"Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? If you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. ......Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. " taken from Hebrews chapter 12.
We are enduring hardship as discipline right now. Roger and I have been dieting for just over a week. We are determined to get in better shape and feel healthier (the pool in the backyard mocks us). We are hungry and fighting to avoid tempting things that are not healthy. We are flexing our discipline muscles in regard to food. Yes, it is painful.
Speaking of painful, we also chose to be done with bottles for Precious yesterday. We had tried weaning slowly and gently which did nothing. All night long, every hour, she fusses and frets and is only soothed by a bottle of milk. Its horrible, worse than a newborn. It was time to break the habit. So yesterday afternoon we offered a sippy and a snuggle and her blanket....and the discipline began. Not for her, but for me. I fight every urge in me to give in. Its her comfort. It makes her happy. She loves her bottle. But it is no longer good for her. It keeps her up at night, I'm sure it adds to the tummy cramps and the increased phlegm and mucous production she is always battling. Its just so hard. We painted her nails cause she's a big girl now. She liked that. She is systematically going up to all the kids with big sad, soulful eyes, doing the sign for bottle, hoping someone will give in. I'm dodging eye contact today. Thank goodness its a long work day for me. I promised her sitter a big bonus today for enduring the weaning process.
Discipline is so hard. It is not pleasant, but painful. I know this is the right thing to do. I'm not hurting her or depriving her, but it is still way worse to make them mad than to make them happy. We have never had to do this before. The other kids were all nursed and never had a bottle. That weaning was painful as well but I did it when they were over two years old....
Smile if you want to, snicker if you must, but please pray for us. This is a really big deal in little Precious Maryn's life and she is very wrecked over it. I'll keep you all posted!
We are enduring hardship as discipline right now. Roger and I have been dieting for just over a week. We are determined to get in better shape and feel healthier (the pool in the backyard mocks us). We are hungry and fighting to avoid tempting things that are not healthy. We are flexing our discipline muscles in regard to food. Yes, it is painful.
Speaking of painful, we also chose to be done with bottles for Precious yesterday. We had tried weaning slowly and gently which did nothing. All night long, every hour, she fusses and frets and is only soothed by a bottle of milk. Its horrible, worse than a newborn. It was time to break the habit. So yesterday afternoon we offered a sippy and a snuggle and her blanket....and the discipline began. Not for her, but for me. I fight every urge in me to give in. Its her comfort. It makes her happy. She loves her bottle. But it is no longer good for her. It keeps her up at night, I'm sure it adds to the tummy cramps and the increased phlegm and mucous production she is always battling. Its just so hard. We painted her nails cause she's a big girl now. She liked that. She is systematically going up to all the kids with big sad, soulful eyes, doing the sign for bottle, hoping someone will give in. I'm dodging eye contact today. Thank goodness its a long work day for me. I promised her sitter a big bonus today for enduring the weaning process.
Discipline is so hard. It is not pleasant, but painful. I know this is the right thing to do. I'm not hurting her or depriving her, but it is still way worse to make them mad than to make them happy. We have never had to do this before. The other kids were all nursed and never had a bottle. That weaning was painful as well but I did it when they were over two years old....
Smile if you want to, snicker if you must, but please pray for us. This is a really big deal in little Precious Maryn's life and she is very wrecked over it. I'll keep you all posted!
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Oh my oh my
Tonight we chose to stay in, sort and clean and de-clutter, entertain children and eat well. Oh, my, did we eat well. Maybe its because I exercised this morning. Maybe its because I have been dieting. In any case, supper was a smashing success. Here's what we ate: Orange Salmon with rice and asparagus, orange slices, and for the fussier kids among us, fish sticks and bow tie pasta. Yum and yum and yum. Pair it with a good bottle of California Sauvignon Blanc and wow....oh my. Its nice to have such an experience at home. I even succeeded at converting a few "fish sticks" to "salmon"....yey mom.
Tomorrow the grands are coming for dinner. Beef stew and salad. Roger sings on praise team and I'm sharing our adoption story at our evening service for Sanctity of Life sunday. Sanctity of Life. Woah.
What is sanctity of life? It's not abortion, but adoption or parenting. Its celebrating our differences, our limits and our strengths. Its never saying a life does not matter. God breathes life. God decides, not us. Sanctity of life may be enjoying what we have and not reaching for more. It may mean being content with a less than perfect body or mind, and knowing it was ordained to be so. Hold life sacred. Revere it. Understand the miracle of each breath. Pray into it. LIFE.
Tomorrow the grands are coming for dinner. Beef stew and salad. Roger sings on praise team and I'm sharing our adoption story at our evening service for Sanctity of Life sunday. Sanctity of Life. Woah.
What is sanctity of life? It's not abortion, but adoption or parenting. Its celebrating our differences, our limits and our strengths. Its never saying a life does not matter. God breathes life. God decides, not us. Sanctity of life may be enjoying what we have and not reaching for more. It may mean being content with a less than perfect body or mind, and knowing it was ordained to be so. Hold life sacred. Revere it. Understand the miracle of each breath. Pray into it. LIFE.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
today
Today I changed the prayers for our house to sell. I have prayed daily that God would make a way, would provide, would sell our house. I have a sense of urgency now that the holidays are done. I feel like we are not free to pursue new dreams or ambitions or even seek the next place God would lead us in service to Him, until this dumb house deal is finished. Its very debilitating to know that we did this to ourselves. We chose to move before the house was sold. Now we are stuck in the mercy of the horrible house economy, and that's how it feels stuck. I hate stuck. Move me forward or backward but not stuck. Ruts are miserable and this is a huge rut right now. I hate to spend this much energy on material, fleeting things. I want to set my heart on the things above, not those of this world. Stuck.
Today I changed my verbage a bit. I began this prayer. (We'll see how this goes)....."Lord, please buy our house. Just buy it. Use your money and your people and your purpose and buy it. Release me from it, please. Lets move on. Please buy our house, God."
Today I watched my 6-year old swim 20 LAPS in 20 minutes for the swim-a-thon. I can't quite pick my jaw up off the ground over it. Last year he couldn't swim across the pool because he was so afraid. Does fear have that much power or is time really that powerful?
Today Roger worked a business deal with Bankok, Thailand and never left town. Crazy, what we can do in this age.
Today I prayed some of my own prayers and many prayers that belonged to others in a spirit of Unity with Jesus and other believers and it was so beautiful and good.
There is much to consider in yesterday, and in tomorrow, but today I am happy to just look at today and count it a full blessing, a complete event, the practice of the present and the Presence of God. Sometimes, its good to just live for today.
Today I changed my verbage a bit. I began this prayer. (We'll see how this goes)....."Lord, please buy our house. Just buy it. Use your money and your people and your purpose and buy it. Release me from it, please. Lets move on. Please buy our house, God."
Today I watched my 6-year old swim 20 LAPS in 20 minutes for the swim-a-thon. I can't quite pick my jaw up off the ground over it. Last year he couldn't swim across the pool because he was so afraid. Does fear have that much power or is time really that powerful?
Today Roger worked a business deal with Bankok, Thailand and never left town. Crazy, what we can do in this age.
Today I prayed some of my own prayers and many prayers that belonged to others in a spirit of Unity with Jesus and other believers and it was so beautiful and good.
There is much to consider in yesterday, and in tomorrow, but today I am happy to just look at today and count it a full blessing, a complete event, the practice of the present and the Presence of God. Sometimes, its good to just live for today.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
daily news
We survived/enjoyed/savored our meal with the neighbors. I may be a convert. Who knows, I may even try to cook a big pot of something and randomly invite someone over myself! My family will have to get much better at helping with housework, though. Her home was really clean and mine, well, lets just say it would take 8 hours to get to where theirs was on a monday. Sigh. Oh well.
Tonight I came home tired from a very long public health work day. I've said before, that some of my hardest, most weighty stories are told on wednesdays for many reasons. Today was no exception. I can't just leave it at "the office" because my office is in community, on my phone, in my car, etc. When I walked in the door the burden was heavy and I had to jump right into mommy mode. Claire needed to go to the public library to get a biography for a book report. This had to happen in the next 30 minutes before church. I navigated the childcare arrangements with my step-sis and off we went, back into the cold one more time.
We couldn't find the book she wanted, which was for a report on Shawn Johnson. I begged her to pick another topic, and quickly. Claire does nothing quickly. I pulled Mother Theresa, my human inspiration, my hero, my "mentor"...I told her about Mother T and showed her the picture of her, how easy it would be to dress up in costume for the report (just a sheet over her hair and body, etc.). She was ambivalent, dissatisfied...."mom, I know you want to be like her but I don't really want to wear a sheet for my report. I want something more fun"....ugh. a performer, I almost forgot. We settled on Crazy Horse, even though he was a guy, and decided we could have fun with braids and a feather in her hair. We checked out the books and the nice librarian asked if we found what we needed.
We were honest and said, "no" and she was positively mortified that our wonderful library had no Shawn Johnson books. "You write down your name and phone number, sweetie, and I'll get on Amazon and order some books on her today. You'll have them by next week". Sorry, she needs her topic by friday but thanks anyway, "Nonsense, you just let me work on it.....I'll have books for you by friday one way or another!" Claire walked out, looking at me sideways and said, "woah..." with a smile. We are bowing to the authority and power of the local librarian. Claire may have a new career goal. She has no desire for nursing (faints way too easy), but was leaning toward teacher or administrative secretary (like our friend Lori)....but now, she has discovered the vocare of librarian. We'll just have to see what happens for her.
Tomorrow its more hard work and crazy schedules. Jeremiah swims in a swim-a-thon fundraiser for our team. If you want to donate per minute or per lap, feel free. Claire has dance. Isaac has a broken arm so he'll be hanging with Precious. Roger has clients in town and will be in meetings or dining out with them. I have harp and bowl prayer after a full day of work, dentist, lunch with a friend and hopefully, grocery shopping.
This is the daily news for us. I know it is boring for some, but there are certain members of our family who love keeping up with us through the blog. I'm a bit short on inspiration tonight but that will come soon, I'm sure. Blessings!
Tonight I came home tired from a very long public health work day. I've said before, that some of my hardest, most weighty stories are told on wednesdays for many reasons. Today was no exception. I can't just leave it at "the office" because my office is in community, on my phone, in my car, etc. When I walked in the door the burden was heavy and I had to jump right into mommy mode. Claire needed to go to the public library to get a biography for a book report. This had to happen in the next 30 minutes before church. I navigated the childcare arrangements with my step-sis and off we went, back into the cold one more time.
We couldn't find the book she wanted, which was for a report on Shawn Johnson. I begged her to pick another topic, and quickly. Claire does nothing quickly. I pulled Mother Theresa, my human inspiration, my hero, my "mentor"...I told her about Mother T and showed her the picture of her, how easy it would be to dress up in costume for the report (just a sheet over her hair and body, etc.). She was ambivalent, dissatisfied...."mom, I know you want to be like her but I don't really want to wear a sheet for my report. I want something more fun"....ugh. a performer, I almost forgot. We settled on Crazy Horse, even though he was a guy, and decided we could have fun with braids and a feather in her hair. We checked out the books and the nice librarian asked if we found what we needed.
We were honest and said, "no" and she was positively mortified that our wonderful library had no Shawn Johnson books. "You write down your name and phone number, sweetie, and I'll get on Amazon and order some books on her today. You'll have them by next week". Sorry, she needs her topic by friday but thanks anyway, "Nonsense, you just let me work on it.....I'll have books for you by friday one way or another!" Claire walked out, looking at me sideways and said, "woah..." with a smile. We are bowing to the authority and power of the local librarian. Claire may have a new career goal. She has no desire for nursing (faints way too easy), but was leaning toward teacher or administrative secretary (like our friend Lori)....but now, she has discovered the vocare of librarian. We'll just have to see what happens for her.
Tomorrow its more hard work and crazy schedules. Jeremiah swims in a swim-a-thon fundraiser for our team. If you want to donate per minute or per lap, feel free. Claire has dance. Isaac has a broken arm so he'll be hanging with Precious. Roger has clients in town and will be in meetings or dining out with them. I have harp and bowl prayer after a full day of work, dentist, lunch with a friend and hopefully, grocery shopping.
This is the daily news for us. I know it is boring for some, but there are certain members of our family who love keeping up with us through the blog. I'm a bit short on inspiration tonight but that will come soon, I'm sure. Blessings!
Monday, January 10, 2011
the invitation
It is my sincere hope that anyone who reads this post will smile. Please do not feel the need to share it with my neighbors. I don't think my neighbors know I have a blog. That's good for today. If they do know, I will likely find out soon. About a half hour ago I received a dinner invitation from a neighbor. "Can your family come have supper with us tonight" it said. (stupid snow storm, making people feel all neighborly)...Hmmm. Family. Does that mean the 2 boys who are already there? I don't think so. Horror of horrors, I think she means all of us. Oh hah, haaah, haya... I can't type "hah" the way it sounds, but its dutch and it has emphasis. Oh hah! I have not showered. In fact, I've been padding around all snowy day in the very clothes I slept in. What do I say? Pause. Think. I do have time to shower. Precious is due for a nap, Roger rolls in right at dinner time, we are NOT PREPARED for a monday night dinner invite! Oh hah!
So here's the thing. In my entire adult married life, all 14 plus years of it, no one has ever asked us over for a spontaneous neighbory dinner. I'm an introvert. I'm a planner. Crap. I can't say no. I love their son and he spends alot of time playing here with our boys. We have to go. We don't have a good excuse. Precious Maryn's resolving pink eye would sound lame. So we're going. Do I bring something? A bottle of wine? What if they don't drink? A plant? No time to go to Wal-Mart. My four lively kids and my stressed-out bronchitis-sneezy husband and me, the housewife in a sweatshirt. Yep. We're going. We've lived in 3 houses since we've been married. We've never been invited over for dinner. Here goes nothing.
Hope they still like us in 2 hours.
So here's the thing. In my entire adult married life, all 14 plus years of it, no one has ever asked us over for a spontaneous neighbory dinner. I'm an introvert. I'm a planner. Crap. I can't say no. I love their son and he spends alot of time playing here with our boys. We have to go. We don't have a good excuse. Precious Maryn's resolving pink eye would sound lame. So we're going. Do I bring something? A bottle of wine? What if they don't drink? A plant? No time to go to Wal-Mart. My four lively kids and my stressed-out bronchitis-sneezy husband and me, the housewife in a sweatshirt. Yep. We're going. We've lived in 3 houses since we've been married. We've never been invited over for dinner. Here goes nothing.
Hope they still like us in 2 hours.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
prayers
So there are the prayers that we pray first, the ones on the list, or the ones over dinner. We all have a prayer list, people who requested prayer, etc. Most of us pray at meal time, for blessing of our food and thanks for it. Deeper still are the prayers that we pray when we are alone, in the car or in bed. When we are doing devotions, reading the bible, really talking to God, we are praying more intimate prayers. These are walking with God prayers, living in relationship with the Lord prayers. Even deeper are the prayers we don't even have words for. These prayers happen when our lips don't move, our eyes are downcast and our hands are raised. These prayers happen between God's spirit and ours, in a language just for us. These are the prayers I love the most. God speaks and I listen, or I wait and God breathes.
I am praying that in that deepest place, God will do the transforming work in me, to refine me, to line up my will with His. I am praying that I can stand on Holy Ground in his presence more often, and that I won't worry so much about the things of this world. I don't want to want what God does not want for me. I don't know how to say it very well, so its nice to just give it over in that deep, deep prayer place. Prayer is so good. God is so good. Praying for a deeper, richer, fuller life of prayer in the new year. Praying for God to move mountains and less, and that God's power will be glorified in my life.
I'm thinking alot about passions lately. Defining them, clarifying them. Mine definitely involve prayer and children and compassion. Do you know what yours are about?
I am praying that in that deepest place, God will do the transforming work in me, to refine me, to line up my will with His. I am praying that I can stand on Holy Ground in his presence more often, and that I won't worry so much about the things of this world. I don't want to want what God does not want for me. I don't know how to say it very well, so its nice to just give it over in that deep, deep prayer place. Prayer is so good. God is so good. Praying for a deeper, richer, fuller life of prayer in the new year. Praying for God to move mountains and less, and that God's power will be glorified in my life.
I'm thinking alot about passions lately. Defining them, clarifying them. Mine definitely involve prayer and children and compassion. Do you know what yours are about?
Friday, January 7, 2011
Fridays
Why are they so wonderful? There's the obvious, of course, but just the word sounds like dessert. Fridays. Its anticipation, its the expectation of rest and fun and relaxing and the restoration of my soul. I just love Fridays. Today Precious Maryn and I stayed home out of the wind and snow and we packed up Christmas decor, dusted (it was to the danger level), cleaned the bathroom and did laundry. It feels so good to have the main floor at least almost there, at 5pm on Friday. We danced and ate snacks and just smiled at eachother alot.
Isaac is much better again today. He even made his own micro popcorn after school, one-handed. Now that's my boy. Since he could handle that I made sure he could also put away his sneakers and pick up his shirt off the floor.
Jeremiah swims in a meet tomorrow and we're going to cheer him on, in a town 90 minutes away. Precious is staying back with auntie and Nana because she doesn't travel or "meet" well right now.
Praying for a very uneventful, typical weekend. For us and for all of you!
Isaac is much better again today. He even made his own micro popcorn after school, one-handed. Now that's my boy. Since he could handle that I made sure he could also put away his sneakers and pick up his shirt off the floor.
Jeremiah swims in a meet tomorrow and we're going to cheer him on, in a town 90 minutes away. Precious is staying back with auntie and Nana because she doesn't travel or "meet" well right now.
Praying for a very uneventful, typical weekend. For us and for all of you!
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Tuesday was a low point with Isaac. By prayer and petition, we presented our requests to God. Again, he answered our prayers. Yesterday I decided we were going to be seen again, somehow, to make sure that the bones hadn't slipped, and that he was indeed healing. By noon we were in front of the very doctor who did the surgical procedure that fixed his arm, and the new xrays looked fine. He gave us a stronger pain med and a good dose of reassurance that his arm was already healing. From there things improved. Isaac got a big bag of greasy junk food from Culvers, then he got to sit on Nana's couch while I finished my work day. Today he went to school all day. I joined him for lunch, just to make sure he could navigate that again, and to check on his pain. Tonight he was spent, grouchy and much more the boy we recognize. Praise God! Thank you all for your prayers! It means so much to not cry out alone. It means so much that even these little daily issues, these bumps in the road, matter not only to God but to my friends as well. I am blessed.
Today I discovered a few truths. One is that passion doesn't necessarily feel good. Passion stands alone. It doesn't feel good or bad. It has its own identity. I also discovered that we are most alive when we are begging God for direction, for purpose, for help in abiding in His Will. We can sing it in submission, we can move in obedience, we can dream about what it might look like, we can pray for a whisper of truth. it is the point of living. Today I played with Precious Maryn who is becoming so much fun as a person. She's starting to talk, to tease, to taunt. Thank you Jesus that I noticed when she tried to play tug of war with me, as I was picking up dirty kids clothes from all over the floor. I grabbed Isaac's pants, she grabbed the other end, we pulled back and forth and she let out the naughtiest, deep, growly laugh....and the game...was...on. After an hour or so of rolling around on the floor, flipping her upside down, playing with toys and singing, she's finally asleep. Thank you Jesus that I noticed when she wanted to play and I got to play with her today.
Today I discovered a few truths. One is that passion doesn't necessarily feel good. Passion stands alone. It doesn't feel good or bad. It has its own identity. I also discovered that we are most alive when we are begging God for direction, for purpose, for help in abiding in His Will. We can sing it in submission, we can move in obedience, we can dream about what it might look like, we can pray for a whisper of truth. it is the point of living. Today I played with Precious Maryn who is becoming so much fun as a person. She's starting to talk, to tease, to taunt. Thank you Jesus that I noticed when she tried to play tug of war with me, as I was picking up dirty kids clothes from all over the floor. I grabbed Isaac's pants, she grabbed the other end, we pulled back and forth and she let out the naughtiest, deep, growly laugh....and the game...was...on. After an hour or so of rolling around on the floor, flipping her upside down, playing with toys and singing, she's finally asleep. Thank you Jesus that I noticed when she wanted to play and I got to play with her today.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
rereading, responding
One of my Christmas gifts this year from Roger and the kids was a dream come true. One of my "bucket list" items was to be published. Roger sent away to have the first year of my blog published and it was a gift from Claire and Isaac. February 2009 through December 2009. For the first week, I just looked at the book, hard-cover, in tact. Tonight I started re-reading it, back from post #1. I understand its not like really being published and sold in book stores, but for me, it is the actuality of the dream. I wrote words, someone kept track of them and they came in the mail, as a book. It is the induction of my written thoughts, and the journey to Precious. Both are priceless to me. I have journaled my whole life but never written things that others can read, without my express permission. I can't wait for Precious to have this book some day, to see what our lives were like as we waited for her to come. She was planned for us long before we were even a family. She was part of God's will for me, for our family, long before I ever knew I wanted to have a husband and children. Now she is here. The words are written and recorded. So cool. When the daily grind is grinding away like fingernails on a chalk board, I can look at this visible reminder of God's answer to prayers, God's breath through my thoughts and feel like life means more than just the daily grind.
Isaac has been very fragile, very light-headed and in way too much pain. I called the ortho surgeon's office today to see if it was worrysome or ok and got the typical run-around. The nurse in me has already done everything they suggested. The plan is to wait until tomorrow and see. If he shows no improvement we need to call back and hopefully be seen. If he starts to perk up and get stronger than we can just keep on here at home. We had a big break-through in that he was able to go to the bathroom by himself today. At bedtime he got tearful and fretful again, worrying about needing us in the night. Compassion won out and I tucked him in bed beside his dad who has a terrible cold and hopefully the warm bodies and comfort will be mutual. I'll take Precious-duty again and pray for a resilient spirit and strength.
I am thankful for my first responders today. There are certain friends and family in my life who are consistently my responders. When crisis hits, they call first, show up first, offer the most valuable help and hope. Thank you. I love you so much and can never reciprocate the generosity you show me time and time again. I am forever grateful.
Isaac's sunday school teacher from LAST year showed up at our door yesterday with balloons and candy for him. Unbelievable. We are so blessed. One of our church pastors called to check on him and when I let him hear the message, Isaac's facial expression softened and he said quietly, "yey". People matter to people. People matter when we are hurting and scared and frustrated. We are, one to another, the arms and voice of Christ Jesus. We are the church. We are the Bride of Christ. We are capable of building each other up, of helping, of offering hope and a future, in Jesus name. Lets all try do that more and more in the new year ahead.
Isaac has been very fragile, very light-headed and in way too much pain. I called the ortho surgeon's office today to see if it was worrysome or ok and got the typical run-around. The nurse in me has already done everything they suggested. The plan is to wait until tomorrow and see. If he shows no improvement we need to call back and hopefully be seen. If he starts to perk up and get stronger than we can just keep on here at home. We had a big break-through in that he was able to go to the bathroom by himself today. At bedtime he got tearful and fretful again, worrying about needing us in the night. Compassion won out and I tucked him in bed beside his dad who has a terrible cold and hopefully the warm bodies and comfort will be mutual. I'll take Precious-duty again and pray for a resilient spirit and strength.
I am thankful for my first responders today. There are certain friends and family in my life who are consistently my responders. When crisis hits, they call first, show up first, offer the most valuable help and hope. Thank you. I love you so much and can never reciprocate the generosity you show me time and time again. I am forever grateful.
Isaac's sunday school teacher from LAST year showed up at our door yesterday with balloons and candy for him. Unbelievable. We are so blessed. One of our church pastors called to check on him and when I let him hear the message, Isaac's facial expression softened and he said quietly, "yey". People matter to people. People matter when we are hurting and scared and frustrated. We are, one to another, the arms and voice of Christ Jesus. We are the church. We are the Bride of Christ. We are capable of building each other up, of helping, of offering hope and a future, in Jesus name. Lets all try do that more and more in the new year ahead.
Monday, January 3, 2011
hours after the insightful post about not needing to be blissfully happy, things began to unravel. I was missing Claire like crazy and she was anxious to see us too. We were supposed to be with friends for new Years Eve but the weather kept us home and she was there. We battled the snow and wind and cold and went to get her. The roads were horrible and dangerous so we made a plan to meet and get Claire back half way. I blew the new diet at a pizza buffet after the pick-up, then we made it home safe and sound.
Within an hour of getting home, the boys were outside playing "king of the hill" on a snow bank and Isaac fell backward and snapped his forearm. Both bones, obvious fracture and horrendous to see. We rushed to the ER on New Years Day, then on to a hospital with the ortho surgeon and OR team, and fixed the arm. He had trouble in recovery room, which was scary and made the recovery longer. He and I spent the night in the hospital and I watched his labored breathing, prayed over him, and stared at the oxygen level all night long. Every possible nightmare scenario played through my mind and I practiced taking thoughts captive in obedience to Christ. It was a long night.
Ironically, as I reflect on the holiday season in general, I have to say that this night was my Holy night. I prayed for one and what I pictured was dreams, visions, intimate communion with the Father, prophesy, blessing, annointing, songs playing as I interceded all night long. What I got was my gorgeous, hearty, vivacious eight-year old son, in desperate pain and breathing hard and looking pale and sick and frail. What I got was a nightwatch in a hot hospital room in a town too far from home. What I got was God, there with me, hearing my prayers, my pleas, my cries for healing, for help, for wholeness. It was a Holy night. I was worried and I was exhausted but I was also so very grateful. I was grateful to be a Christian who could reach for my heavenly Father when I felt so scared. I was grateful to be a mom who was so scared for her little boy. I was grateful that a team of health care workers were just as worried as I was and were also watching over Isaac. I was grateful for a husband who is comptetent, scared, loving and my partner for life, through good and bad. I had no assurance that everything would be ok but it was still a night that felt alive and Holy and significant.
He's doing better today. He's very sore and emotionally fragile. I'm not sore but emotionally fragile as well.
Within an hour of getting home, the boys were outside playing "king of the hill" on a snow bank and Isaac fell backward and snapped his forearm. Both bones, obvious fracture and horrendous to see. We rushed to the ER on New Years Day, then on to a hospital with the ortho surgeon and OR team, and fixed the arm. He had trouble in recovery room, which was scary and made the recovery longer. He and I spent the night in the hospital and I watched his labored breathing, prayed over him, and stared at the oxygen level all night long. Every possible nightmare scenario played through my mind and I practiced taking thoughts captive in obedience to Christ. It was a long night.
Ironically, as I reflect on the holiday season in general, I have to say that this night was my Holy night. I prayed for one and what I pictured was dreams, visions, intimate communion with the Father, prophesy, blessing, annointing, songs playing as I interceded all night long. What I got was my gorgeous, hearty, vivacious eight-year old son, in desperate pain and breathing hard and looking pale and sick and frail. What I got was a nightwatch in a hot hospital room in a town too far from home. What I got was God, there with me, hearing my prayers, my pleas, my cries for healing, for help, for wholeness. It was a Holy night. I was worried and I was exhausted but I was also so very grateful. I was grateful to be a Christian who could reach for my heavenly Father when I felt so scared. I was grateful to be a mom who was so scared for her little boy. I was grateful that a team of health care workers were just as worried as I was and were also watching over Isaac. I was grateful for a husband who is comptetent, scared, loving and my partner for life, through good and bad. I had no assurance that everything would be ok but it was still a night that felt alive and Holy and significant.
He's doing better today. He's very sore and emotionally fragile. I'm not sore but emotionally fragile as well.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Happy New Year
I'm starting 2011 exactly how I ended 2010. The fire is crackling away, we're watching the music concert on tv, its bitter cold outside with fresh snow. 2010 was a good year, a hard year, a full year. I expect the same from 2011. But happy? What does that mean, exactly? What defines a happy new year? I don't know that I need or want to be happy for 365 days straight. What a boring blog it would be! I'm far too sarcastic to tolerate an entirely happy new year...but I would welcome the greeting of some happiness in it. I would love for our old house to sell. I would love to get Precious maryn healthier and able to sleep better on her own. I would be happy if my kids fared well in school, dance and swimming and if I could shed the excess pounds and feel healthier. Yes, there is room for happines, but an entire year? Come on, now.
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