We didn't get any good pictures of Claire's solo. We were nervous and excited and glued to her on stage, not to the camera. My friend Jess got some good ones so I'll post them when I can get copies. This is her, though, a very little girl on a big dark stage. Her solo was friday night and saturday night she was in two large group productions with the entire dance company...and they had a blast with those!

The non-dancer Kredits are having fun at the hotel pool but.....

How fun does this look?!

the answer was yes

I'm pretty good at asking for prayers but not as good at chronicling them.  I hope chronicling is a word.  You english teachers out there will gasp in horror if its not.  Deal.  Thank you for all who prayed for Claire on friday.  God heard the prayers.  His answer was yes.  Throughout the day she became increasingly ready, excited and confident.  Unfortunately, she also appeared to be getting sick.  A few friends texted me as we travelled the 4 hours to Minneapolis and I begged deeper prayers for health and wellness.  Again, His answer was yes.  We got to the competition on time, she was dressed, ready and she danced her little heart out.  Her category had about 14 entries and all were really good, and in the end, she did not place in the top 5.  She did, however, score a high enough number to qualify for nationals in Chicago this summer and also to participate in the young dancers semi-finalist experience which apparently is a high honor.  It was her secret desire, to qualify for that.  God said yes.  Thank you, Father, for making my daughter's dreams come true.

Lately, it seems that His answers to me have been "wait" OR "no" more often than not.  I was getting discouraged and feeling low...but I can't stay there when His answer to my child is "yes".  I would love to share a video of the performance but there was a rule against videography.  Our studio will get a copy.  Maybe we can talk her into doing it for us in costume, just to have it to share.  I'll never tell her its on the blog, though!  (smile) 

When God's answer is yes, we need to celebrate that.  We can pray and pray and often the prayers are not answered with the result we desire....maybe because our will is not always God's will.  He is omniscient, all- knowing.  His way always makes sense when we get to see the reason, the hindsight, the look-back.  For every "yes" I've had from Him I've likely had 10 "no" answers and 500 "wait" answers.  For Miss Claire, in this season of her life, God touched her with a smile and a "yes".  Thank you Lord.  Help me to have the words for her when you tell her "no".  I'm still working on finding them when you tell me...

challenges

Challenges have been on my mind lately, as you may have noticed.  Here's one I'd like to share.  Six years ago, when Claire was five years old, at about this same time of the year, she quit dance.  She had been loving it, as a little pre-school girl, until the day came when she discovered the end goal of the season was to perform on stage.  She was terrified.  She cried and clung to me each week as I tried to force her to go to class.  Finally, I just gave up, called the teacher and said she was dropping out.  We'd even paid for the costume, ironically, and never saw or used it.  I was really mad at her.  She was so timid, fearful, shy and inhibited.  That summer we signed up for tumbling/gymanstics and did that for a year or so.  Then she wanted to dance again and we agreed, as long as she promised not to quit.  We are not quitters, Claire!  Ok mom, I promise. 

Tomorrow night, at 7pm Claire will dance a solo in a competition on a very big stage in front of judges.  She is dancing to this song, Jesus Take the Wheel.  She chose the song when I agreed to let her do a solo, if she picked a song that honored the Lord.  When I heard this one, I was leveled.  I need this song, this prayer, every single day.  Not just in crisis on an icy road, but every day!  Every hour some days!  So here is my sweet daughter, dancing to this moving prayer.  This morning, nerves set in.  Doubt, fear, insecurity, a spirit of unworthiness and lack of talent....the dirty devil joined her before she even got out of bed.  So in her dark room, at dawn today, we began to talk about what this is really about.  Sure, its a dance solo.  More so, its the forming of a new tool for her character, to be able to push through the anxiety and fear and nerves and to dance.  To move and sway and do her very best because that is what she set out to do.  Further more, this dance is a prayer.  She will worship publicly, she will teach the judges, the audience and the dirty devil himself, that Jesus will take the wheel, I'm letting go.  Maybe someone in the audience is holding on too tight, or never felt the stirring of the Lord, until they see my little bitty girl out there on that big stage, giving it all she's got.  She won't be the best dancer on stage tomorrow.  She may not even "place" in the competition, but she will learn to battle the dark thoughts in her head and she will be victorious over them, in Jesus Holy Name, because both He and I and maybe some of you, will be be praying her through.  God will say, "This is a challenge, daughter, a challenge to give your very best.  Your best is good enough.  Worship me, daughter, dance for me, tune out the dirty devil and focus on me.  Move for me.  Don't just stand there, quaking in fear in the darkness.  When the lights come on and the music begins, dance." 

Lately, the still small voice inside of me that I trust and know the be God's, is calling me "Daughter" alot.  I trust the point is clear.  Yes, Father God, I'm listening.

Be a prayer warrior for someone.

I have a friend who is also a strong spiritual leader.  We had a meeting last night and the take home assignment was a challenge to kick it up a notch.  Go deeper in Christ, fight harder for a close and personal relationship with God.  Resist evil and worldly temptations and live a holier life....this is the over-simplified version, of course.  On the list of challenges was to be a prayer warrior for someone.  What an awesome statement, suggestion, assignment.  Be a prayer warrior for someone.  Maybe just one someone in your entire life, but wouldn't it be great if, in Heaven, God could identify the someone you were a prayer warrior for?  Or tell who it was for you?  I pray often and mostly without ceasing, by the power of the Holy Spirit who just compels me to it.  Its definitely not me, but Spirit in me is non-stop communing, interceding, supplicating, worshipping....most of the time.  I currently have about 5-6 people, excluding my own family members, who I am regularly if not daily lifting up to God.  My technique, my tool, my method is the "second cup".  As I pour my second cup of coffee, I begin to pray for whomever God currently has at the top of the list.  Sometimes that name is the same for days or weeks or even months.  What if that name never changed.  What if I would say, at the end of my life, that this one child of God, this one name, was who I championed in prayer for.  What if it were the only one God intended for me to go to war for in prayer.  Say it with me, in a whisper.....wwwwooooooooowwww.  I want to be a prayer warrior for someone.  I want to continue to pray my list, my prayer guide, my regular routine, but I also want a spot for that one.  I want to know who my one could/should be.  Lord, grant me the honor to know the one you want me to be warrior praying for.  I will pray and pray and in my best way, with your best power, pray that someone through to the end.  Just give me the name, Lord, and we'll get to the business of war.  Amen.

Today, for my work, I got to hold a brand new one-week old baby.  She weighed just 6 lbs and was fragile and sweet and soft and beautiful.  Babies are miracles.  Last week she was in her mamma's stomach, just gurgling around in the soft darkness and now she is nursing, crying, looking around and learning.  God was so good to give us babies.  I know everyone does not share my love for babies.  I know everyone does not see the majesty in them.  My  nurse mentor once said, when I took baby Claire to class, "its like looking into the face of God" and I didn't understand it then but I do now.  Yes.  Babies are a reflection of the Holy, Loving Lord. 

Today, for the first time in a long time,  I felt sorrow, knowing I would not have more babies.  I'm an old womb, an old set of arms.  My hands look old, my ankles hurt sometimes.  Babies deserve young mamas who can jump and dance and move swiftly.  My dear, saintly husband is so happy and fulfilled with the four children we are raising, that nothing in him aches for more babies or even more older kids.  Its sad to me, but I get it.  My challenge and my blessing will be to find words to teach and impart the love, the longing, the ache for other mamas to get to their babies.  Yes, it will be a challenge.  I'll mess it up and probably not do very well but maybe, just maybe, God will step in and translate.  Maybe God will do what I cannot and impart my joy, my love, my desire, my admiration for children, into others.  God shares it, so He would definitely know how to spread it out further.  He is the Vine and we are but the branches.  I guess its time for me to be an old, sturdy branch and just feed into new shoots. 

If I'm gonna get old, I'm gonna do it with class.  If I have to look past new mama to future grandma, or at least old auntie, I'm gonna do it in style.  Just as soon as I figure out what that looks like.  I'm open to suggestions.  Better shoes?  More trips to the salon for hair color and eyebrow waxing?  Probably a personal trainer if I could find and afford one, but anyway, a better BMI?  So help me, if anyone ever shares this post with little Precious Maryn, I'll claim an imposter took over.  She thinks I'm fun and wonderful. 

Silly girl being silly.

Yes, mommy made me wear a tu-tu....twice in one week.

She's 18 months old today. I just can't believe it. 18 months, a year and a half. Already? Is that all? Its both. It feels like she has been in our family forever and yet just 2 years ago we were aching and praying and waiting for the special child God had planned for our family through adoption. This is her "cheese" pose. We love you so much, Precious Maryn!

my boys

I am so very proud of my boys.  Jeremiah was one of the handful of youngest swimmers in the pool.  He swam well and got his first tri-state championship meet under his belt.  I say first because he is an amazing swimmer and we have not seen the last of him in the pool for sure!

Isaac. Oh.  Isaac.  His cast has been off for 3 days.  His arm still doesn't look normal or completely healed.  I worried, I fretted, I prayed, I held my breath.  I almost expected to see him to exit the pool with a re-fractured arm, limp and broken as it looked 6 weeks ago.  That memory will be fresh in my mind for awhile, and yet, I watched him swim stroke after stroke, race after race...he got disqualified a couple of times because his arm couldn't move strong and fast enough to keep up.  His butterfly is tanked for the year until he re-learns it....but.  Isaac.  Oh.  Isaac.  He shaved a whole second off his freestyle and managed to place fourth over all...and his last race he beat his nemesis.  He got disqualified for form, but beat the champion's time.  I'm just weepy over his courage, his strength, his talent, his tenacity.  I don't have that much in me.  I really don't.  He is amazing. 

Swim team is done for us this year.  We are relieved and plan to savor the break but next year we are hitting it harder than ever.  My boys, and maybe even Claire, are back in the pool, in it to win it! 

Wow, I am so very proud of my boys.

Living for the weekend and beyond.

Rain and snow, ice and rain, wind and ice....gggrrrrr....we've had one nice weather week, most of the snow melted, green grass peeked through and BAM!!!!!  I'm looking at 2 forcasts for snow in the next 7 days.  Sigh.  Winter isn't done yet.  I know spring will come.  I know flowers will bloom and the sun will shine and warm my skin.  I know we will one day go outside and turn our faces upward instead of tucked down into coats.  I know it.  I just know it.  I love the changing of the seasons, the longing for what is coming next.  I love that God gives us the knowledge and the hope and the memory and the need for what he has planned, just around the bend.  Spring, and more of life with the Lord, is just around the bend.  I'm in it, I'm up for it, I'll hang in there. 

Lord, help me to be joyful and not crabby.  Help me to savor the transition and to celebrate the little things and to notice the subtle changes.  Help me to hear you in the pauses, the moments between the big things.  Lord, help me to lead rather than follow, to act rather than react.  Lord, help.


Today the kids were home, no school.  Precious went to daycare for the morning and I worked.  The boys folded and almost put away laundry and Claire cleaned both bathrooms, which was a punishment because she presented a very bad attitude yesterday.  She also cleaned her room.  Justice.  Then I went to pick up a friend, Micah, who we get to have until Sunday.  I wrapped a birthday gift for Isaac's friend's birthday party...skating.  (oh my, yes, he did just get his cast of 3 days ago and is going roller skating...yikes!)  Taxi Claire and friend to dance rehearsal and pick up Jeremiah's buddy for the movies, gather up the girls, go watch Gnomio and Juliet, then catch up with Roger and Precious at home.  Disclaimer:  If you are like me and despise lawn ornaments, such as pink flamingos and silly little creatures with cone-shaped hats, avoid this movie.  The saving grace was that the sound track was Elton John music.  It saved me. 

Tomorrow we travel to our final swim meet.  We have our lovely extra Kredit, Micah, for the weekend and she will add to the blessing.  Precious Maryn loves her, as do we all.  Claire loves her best which is why we get her once in awhile.  The boys will swim, then we will do a bit of shopping with our excellent 30% off coupon from Kohls, then head home for a night in for me and the kids.  Roger is going to meet a client at the airport from Thailand.  Sunday we will endure the promised winter storm advisory and adjust our plans accordingly.  The foodie in me is planning pasta and garlic bread tomorrow night, ham and risotto for sunday and maybe a pumpkin bread if I work up the energy, just for fun. 

We had 18 month pictures of Precious done today.  4 children plus mommy  and the photographer tried to make her smile and the results were mild-ish.  Thank goodness she is a beauty even if she doesn't smile!  If you want to see the photos, go to the following:  HILLSELECTRONICS.COM, find the photo center tab and my name and the password is Precious.  Enjoy the weekend and beyond everyone!

The house on the rock

Today I read the parable of the man who built his house upon the rock vs. the sand.  Lots to think about there.  The rock is Jesus, it is the Word of God, it is the firm foundation.  The sand?  Well, to me the sand is the world, selfish ambition, things that pass quickly.  Then there are the storms.  The storms of life that test the house.  Hmmmm.  So much good stuff there. 

Our house deal is almost sealed up.  Join me in praying for final resolution and financial peace over it.  I'm relieved we have a buyer and it's a perfect fit for our old, lovely home.  I have to let that house go.  I loved it a bit too much and it is, after all,  just a house.  I love where we are, how we live in this home but I alone really, really loved that house. 

Recently I prayed a process of walking through my house, spiritually, with God.  God and I walked room to room, taking inventory.  In the kitchen, Lord, does what I put into my body give you glory?  Do we have things to work on in this room?  In the living room, does my recreation please you?  The bedroom where I rest?  my marriage?, the bathroom where I do self-care...am I taking proper care of myself, the temple in which you dwell? and on and on until I had covered the attic, the backyard/garden, the porch, the hallway, etc.  It was a great prayer walk with Jesus as He revealed to me areas of weakness and strength.  We walked through repentence, submission, yielding (a bit....need to work on that though), and the final result was simply divine.  Pick one room, Jesus, where we can sit together.  He did.  We have.  We will again.  There is a spiritual room in my soul and a physical room in my home where I intentionally go now, knowing He is waiting for me there.  I want to fix that room up first, when the house deal is done and we can start making this new home cozier, more reflective of who we are.

Heavenly Lord, thank you for prayer, where we can walk and talk and learn more about each other.  Thank you for being present and intimate and willing to know me and to mold me and to change me.  I am believing in the changes you have planned for me, that they will be good for me and for you.  I believe in Your Will for me, your hopes and dreams of what I can do in your name, Jesus.  I love you. 

from Ms. Becky

The following post (I hope, if it works to "share" to my blog) is worth reading.  It speaks to the love of a mother, to adoption, and to anyone who thinks adoption is trendy or popular or easy.  Becky, I honor you with sharing this. 

I think I figured out tonight why I love to read blogs, especially on days that feel draining and hard, like wednesdays.  My work takes me to lots of places of hardship and difficult, sometimes hopeless situations.  My work sometimes feels like nothing will ever change, that sometimes moms don't care very much or that they are too broken themselves to expend the effort.  Not always, but sometimes.  Dads seldom measure up to what there families need in these families, for many reasons.  But in blog world, there is strength, courage, the righting of wrongs.  Story after story of hope, endurance, love, courage, longing and a deep and lasting faith in God and belief in children.  I need this world.  It is balance for me.  Thank you to everyone who shares it with me.  Thank you for the inspiring posts and the sad ones, the celebrations, the victories, the defeats, the prayers requested and the prayers answered.  I live to know the God who answers prayers. 

O the Deep, Deep Love

O the Deep, Deep Love, by Becky over at "And Jada makes 7"

Valentines Day

1.  The day started with me on the couch because Isaac found his way to my bed at 2am and snored so loud I had to leave my bed and get sleep somewhere.  I got up late and crabby.
2.  Jeremiah was whiney, complaining of various ailments and wanted to stay home from school because Isaac was still sick and would be home.  I growled.  Alot.  He went to school.  I felt bad.
3.  Dressed Precious in an adorable tu-tu for valentines day, barreled forward and embraced this monday.
4.  Got beautiful flowers from my husband.  Took some time to read scripture, pray and love the Lord.
5.  Received a wonderful phone call from another adoptive mom and we got to share, bless and affirm eachother.  Thanks for reaching out, Nancy. 
6.  Got 2 email valentines from Sarahscovenanthomes kids...what a blessing and what a perspective change.  Sarah, you bless me over and over and over.
7.  Got a phone call wanting to sow into the ministry of the widow, orphan and poor among us...through someone I love so much. 
8.  Delivered birthday flowers to my dear sweet friend who deserves so much more.
9.  Took another walk in the sun....aaahhhhhh.
10.  Got a call from school:  come get Jeremiah who is sad, droopy and getting sick.  Ggrrrrrrr.
11.  Worked on supper, laundry, homework.
12.  Watched my girls dance.  Laughed until my stomach hurt.
13.  Read to my boys.
14.  Comforted Claire when she learned she has to have 2 teeth pulled tomorrow afternoon.  Then challenged her to "pull her big girl pants up and just get it done"...
15.  Spent 45 minutes getting Precious to sleep...as she sang herself to sleep.  So, so sweet.  Exhausting but very sweet.

Happy Valentines day everyone!

thank goodness they were healthy last week when we were traveling!

Sunday rest and study.

By divine appointment, Precious also got sick last night so since the count is now Isaac and Precious, we cancelled bible study at our house for tonight.  This allowed us to not clean and prep all day and instead, we enjoyed more relaxation for sabboth.  I got to take a long walk in the sunshine which is better than medicine to me.  I got to go to church and worship this morning, then visit with a sweet 3-yr old in the nursery at evening service.  Well, I did most of the visitting.  She was quiet and mostly just did puzzles.  Roger handled both dinner and supper so it was a good day for me.  By last night I was tapped out, exhausted, very, very, very crabby and could hear dry bones rattling.  Dry bones, the feeling of wandering in the desert, thirsty, lost, despairing.  Not a fun saturday night.  Today I got filled back up.  Its good to be sensitive to the emptying out part early on so one can just fix it up quick.  Its called self care.  I excel at it. 

Isaac still has the flu with fever so he's home from school again tomorrow.  Precious isn't that bad, just her usual runny nose and cough.  I started her on steroids and nebs and will call the peds pulmonologist tomorrow and see if there is anything else we should do.  She will go to day care for awhile if she's not febrile.  (feverish for the non-nurses.)

I spent some time in the book of Nehemiah today.  I shared it with my boys I pray with.  They are future Christian leaders and need to know about Nehemiah.  I've read it more than once but today, God again revealed new things.  Don't you just love that about scripture?  You can read the same thing over and over and gain new revelation.  God is so great with that.  There is this picture in my mind of Nehemiah and the others, bringing supplies to rebuild the walls of Jerusalem.  They encounered oppositon so the plan at that point was to use one hand to work and in the other hand, to keep the sword for fighting.  Isn't that grand?  We are all straddling a wall, hammering or gluing or writing or building, but in the other had we have a sword or a shield and we are fighting battles.  Battles of despair or spiritual warfare or persecution or hardship...you name it.  Battles of grief or sarcasm or complacency or fear.  We need to keep the sword raised even as we work to build and rebuild and repair.  Go Nehemiah! 

Another truth from this book of the bible that has escaped me before, was that when they set up their remodel, the priests wanted to help, and to start with the sheep gate.  There were several gates around the city of Jerusalem.  The sheep gate was important to the priests so that they could prepare their sacrifices, to worship.  Nehemiah honored this and started there, and set a precedent that worship was of utmost importance as they set up a new paradigm in the city.  How can I do that, as I get up tomorrow and rebuild the walls of my home, my family, my life.  Is the laundry most important?  Is it the leftover dishes or the kids backpacks....probably not.  Its likely quiet time in the Word, or prayer, or music....I need to find my sheep gate around here.  I think I know just the spot...

I want to write about how wonderful it is to enjoy a child fresh out of the bath, in clean soft jammies.  I don't know how to bring it back to those who are far from it, or who haven't had it.  Those who experience this night after night, please join me and just savor the exquisite wonder of it.  Soft clean skin and silky hair, pudgy toes that smell so good and kiss so sweetly.  Bright eyes and soft lips that no longer taste like food or milk or the stuff of the day.  So, so good.  How do I get to be this lucky mama who has been able to enjoy this ritual of parenting four different ways?  Its one of the best things about being a mom.  Tonight, Precious was fussing, irritable and just mostly being an 18-month old, and I said to her, "do you want to take a bath?"  she literally did the "bath dance".  This child loves her baths!  So we did the bath thing and she played and splashed and swooshed around and learned to float and used every single bath toy we have around the tub.  Then I looked into her beautiful eyes and I said, "Precious Maryn....I(pointed to my eye) love(arms crossed over my chest) you(pointed to her)."  She did it back.  Picture a tired mommy melting with love at the side of the tub.  That was me an hour ago.  Then we did the lotion and 2 different hair products, for her difficult, won't grow for nothin'hair, and put on the soft clean snuggly jammies.  Man oh man do I love being her mommy.  I love being mom anyway but this is an extra blessing, a fresh joy.  Thank you Lord for this child.  I wish I had known about blogging when the other 3 were small.  I felt it all for each one but had no where to go with it.  I'm glad there is a forum now.  We moms need it. 

Enjoy a few more pictures from our trip out west. I miss the blue sky and the birdsong....spring, please come quick!

Bein silly at the gold mine ghost town. We love being tourists!

Auntie Lois and Claire. We already miss our aunties, uncles, cousins and grandparents. Sniff, sniff.

one week ago. Vacations are supremely wonderful even when they are brief.

"fish out of water"

We all know this picture.  The fish is flung from its home under the water, and begins to flop around, this way and that...gills almost audibly gasping for its life-sustaining water.  Its belly heaves, its form is flailing without direction or purpose...and there is fear (or joy if you hate fish).  If the fish is returned to the water, it rights itself and swims off.  If it stays ashore too long it eventually stops searching for the water and becomes still, stangnant and, yes you guessed it, stinky. 

Today I took some time to prepare scripture for the harp and bowl prayer service I help with.  I picked up my "other" bible.  The one that is not worn and marked up.  I was looking for something in particular, but also just looking for what the Holy Spirit might shine a light on.  I couldn't find anything.  I was lost.  My fingers where flipping pages and I began to feel like the flopping, flinging panicky fish out of water.  Before my gills could audibly gasp I grabbed my old-faithful.  My torn up, marked up, just-right Holy Word of God.  He and I have had many conversations, arguements, sweet interludes and tears within these pages.  Aaaahhh.  Back in the water I go.  Gulping down life-sustaining Water again.  I am righted and know my direction.

Now granted, this is not life or death.  With enough time and attention, my new bible and I would do just fine, but today I have neither time nor attention so I have to go back to swimming in the familiar water and get this thing ready.  Where else do I feel like a fish out of water?  Many places.  Where else do I feel like I'm flailing around, can't find my direction, scared and hungry for water?  Mostly, when I am too busy to sit with the Lord.  He is calling me to sit with Him, waiting for me to do that, eager to share time and space with me.  He is in the water.  When I am not in the water I am dying.  Are you?

By about 8pm I will be sitting with Him, listening, singing, praying, being still and keenly aware that He is God.  We will take a swim together then.  Maybe tomorrow morning, very early, we will meet in the pool again, for a quick dip, a few laps, a long soak.  Hhhmmmmm.  Can't wait.

beckoning

The Lord is beckoning me, summoning me, leading me.  How about you?  Do you feel a Holy Spirit nudge?  Where would He, the master of the universe, have you go?  What would he, the creator, sustainer, redeemer, have you do?  I know the path he has laid for me.  I see it clearly.  My challenge is to figure out how to get on it.  My challenge is to clear out the clutter, to spring-clean, to shovel off the path so I can see it.  "This is the way, daughter, walk in it."  I see it, Lord.  Please help me get there.  Its not grandiose or extravagant.  Its not worth making a big deal over.  But its clear.  We all have a path, a course, a plan.  Isn't that grand?  God sets us all on a journey.  Mine is so beautiful.  I'm sure yours is as well.  I hope you can see it.  If not, find someone to help you see it.  I have a glimpse of mine. 

Lord, help me get there.  I know what you are calling me to do.  I want to do it.  You called me to it.  Help me clear the path to see your direction.  Help me step on it and move forward.  I know your voice, your will, your way will be glorified, if I can just get going on it.  I can't do it in my own power, God.  Life gets in the way.  I need your Spirit power to move me.  Please move me.  Loving you so, so much, God.  Trusting you completely to help me get to where you want me to be. 

Waiting to board the plane. Yes, that is and ipod touch that Precious is holding. Yes, we indulge her a great deal. How can we help it? She's so adorable! Her sister and brothers dote on her even more than we do!

Believe it or not we made it there and home with all the same luggage and passengers. My kids are traveling heros! I'm a very proud mommy and humble wife. Dad even changed a diaper in the airplane. He deserves an award this Father's day for sure!

mystery fruit tree in front of Grandpa and Grandma's trailer....orange/grapefruit/lemon-ish.