Sometimes things happen in the course of a day or two or three....that are indescribable.  Sometimes they are not my things to tell.  Sometimes, I just don't know how to put them in words so I don't.  Maybe in those times, its better to just take a moment of silence and bear witness to the indescribable things.  There are lots of words to say lots of things.  Prayer, silence and breath have their place as well.  Lets all just take a moment of silence in honor of such things..................................................................................................

no apologies

Unapologetically, I think I should have at least 4 birthdays a year.  Seriously.  I love celebrating me.  I work hard, I give much.  I demand very little in the grand scheme of things...until my birthday.  Recognize me.  Smile at me.  Give me perks and gifts and smiles and love.  Celebrate the fact that I am alive.  I mean it! 

I hope the rest of you feel the same.  Don't apologize, don't wait for someone to recognize you.  Tell the world when its your birthday. Celebrate birthdays!  Mine was awesome....can't wait for next year.

Thank you to everyone who made my birthday significant.  Thank you for the cards, the phone calls, the special treats.  Thank you to the special someone who sent a card and a donation for my trip to India.  You are wonderful.   I will speak with you in person soon.

Birthdays are amazing, no apologies today.

with fingers laced together

This morning I needed to get ready for work.  Precious tends to wake up and then go back to sleep if someone is holding her, usually me.  Unfortunately, I can't afford the luxury of holding her sleeping body every morning.  Today was such a day. My dear Isaac, age 9, gets ready quickly in a no-nonsense fashion so he's my go-to guy for Precious duty in the mornings.  Today he agreed to hold her so I could shower, etc.  He was on the couch with his book, in his flannel jammies so I snuggled her in on his lap.  Kicking myself all day for not having the camera nearby.  I was scurrying about, as we moms do, and glanced over at him on the couch.  He was deep into his novel and Precious was snoring lazily on his lap.  He had his pudgy little boy fingers laced together with her long, thin brown ones.  He was not attending her in any way, he was just laced together with her, palm to palm fingers resting over one another.  It was a lovely weave of pink and brown and it touched me deeply.  He is my rough-and-tumble, usually snarly, very boy-like boy.  He absolutely turns to mush for his baby sister. 

Fingers laced together is how I want to live.  God's hand and mine, yours and mine, the widow, the orphan, the poor among us and mine.  I tend to be a bit snarly at times but God's heart can turn mine to mush pretty quickly.  I hope I never forget that picture in my mind, of my burly son and my sleeping baby, woven together by their hands. 

Artistic living

You know those songs, the ones that ebb and flow and sway and take you somewhere wonderful?  I want to write those songs.  You know the books, the ones that make you obsess about when you can get your nose back in, and you dream about the plot or the characters?  I want to write those books.  There is a cabin tucked along the road of my favorite hiking spot.  I am longing to go there and be inspired and write and take pictures and pray and hear God and feel what its like to be me again.....the me that is free-spirited and can move like the wind...

I just don't see how I'll get there.  I have work that I am always behind on.  I have children who love my attention and my presence.  I have a husband who is busy and needs me to take care of the groceries and the events and the daily grind.  I have a big house and a big yard and a messy car that all need my focus.  I have a mission trip to India coming up in a few weeks.

Its not just me.  Its all of you, too.  We all have it.  How do we do both?  Really, I want to know.  How do we/I fit it all in to 24 hours, including 7-8 hours of quality sleep, 8 glasses of water, 5 fruits and vegetables, exercise, laughter, prayer and gainful employment. 

You don't have to answer.  You really don't have to tell me what to do or not to do.  I'm just wondering...how do we actually hear the melody that writes that song?  How do we start chapter one of that book....I can go to the cabin, but what if nothing inspiring happens and I just wasted valuable time? 

If life is art and my days are a blank canvas, how in the world do I decide which color to pick up first?

Easter morning!

John 20:1-9....and beyond.  "Early on the first day of the week, while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene went to the tomb and saw that the stone had been removed from the entrance."   My life application bible describes this verse this way below the scripture:  "The stone was not rolled away from the entrance to the tomb so Jesus could get out.  He could have left easily without moving the stone.  It was rolled away so others could get in and see that Jesus was gone."

Isn't that so true?  The stone was rolled away so that others could get in, not so that He could get out.  His death and resurrection were so that others could get In to Heaven, not so that He could get out of any trouble.  It was our trouble, not His.  It was our tomb, not His.  He opened the door, and rolled back that huge, immovable rock, so that we could get in. 

Happy Easter Everyone.  Jesus is alive, just as He said.  He won.  Satan lost.  He lives so that we may also live forever with Him.  What an amazing gift.  I want to live more grateful from now on, having been on this journey to the cross for Holy Week. 

Holy Week, saturday

Phillipians 2:5-11.  "Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus..."  I wear proudly the name Christian.  I put Christ Jesus' name on my identity.  But do I?  Do I really?  When I am at work, at a soccer game, or (Lord help me) at wal-mart, do I wear my Christ-name like a banner?  Is my attitude the same as Christ Jesus?  Sadly, its mostly not.  Like, 90% mostly not.  The 10% I get right is repentence and humility and a very strong awareness of being a servant.  These are pretty pathetic stats for someone who has been a Christian most of her life. 

Holy Week is hard.  Looking again and again at the suffering of our Lord, the sacrifice He made because we can't seem to get it even remotely right on our own.  Sin stinks.  My sin nailed my Jesus to a cross and he hung there until he had died.  Laying dead in the tomb, I can almost see His Spirit-self smiling at me, with eyes of love, as if to say, "you were worth it daughter"....I really almost can.  I love him.  I love Him.  I Love Him.

Tomorrow is Easter morning.  Tomorrow we celebrate victory and life.  Just as the plants and leaves and spring perennials were victorious over the long dead winter, so are we in Jesus' name.  He conquered sin and death and rose from the grave, to Heaven.....as all these little colorful buds continue to pop up from the ground and on the branches, I want to give praises to my Lord and King every time I notice.  Tomorrow is Easter morning.  Sing the sad songs today and the classic hymns tomorrow.  Our history as Christians is rich and full and came with a huge price.  Soon we'll all be singing, "Up from the grave He arose (he arose)...."

He made a way for us.....to enter the Holy Place.

Holy Week, Good Friday

Psalm 22:19-31. 

He is Strength, Helper,, Deliverer, Rescuer, Savior.
Responsively, I like David, will Declare HIs name, fear the Lord, praise Him.
He provides for us.  We must tell others, especially our children, of the provision of God.
We must always record the answers to our prayers.  He always answers.  Not with the response we may expect or desire, but there will always be either a: yes, no, maybe or wait. 

He is a living Lord.  He is not a dead king or an object or an abstract entity.  He is a living Lord.
Last night, we went to His funeral at our church.  Today I will observe His death and try to imagine what it was like for him to submit to the burial in the tomb.  Can you imagine what the angels were doing on this day, long ago?  Not the pretty glowing ones....the powerful warrior angels.  It gives me goose bumps to picture it.  He is Strength, Helper, Deliverer, Rescuer, Savior.  To be those things meant to become the least, to yield all power, to die to self.  Mercy.

Holy Week, thursday

Isaiah 53:7-12.

He suffered silently.  He could have stopped it but He did not.  He carried it through to the end.  No complaining, no self-martyrdom, no whining, no "It's not fair! or I didn't deserve this!"....He, not me.  I know how I would have behaved.  We would have all stayed lost.  This is why my life has to be about Jesus and not about Niki.  He is worthy.  He deserves my best, my every, my all.  It has to be about His Will, His Plan, His Love, His Way.  His is the only one we can truly trust.  He proved it.

There has never been a greater man to live.  There is no greater God to follow.  I pledge my allegience to this Lamb and will do my best to go wherever He is, to know where He is working and to try like crazy to meet Him there.  I will refuse not to move when He is moving.  He is so worthy.

Please join me today to worship this Worthy One.  In your day, in your rest, in your coming and going, worship Him.  If you don't know what to pray, just say the name Jesus quietly under your breath today.  Lets have a chorus of whispers across this day, saying Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.  He is worthy.

Holy Week, wednesday

Today I read Psalm 22;9-18.  This psalm definitely helps us understand the utter despair, the alone-ness, the suffering of Christ in His last hours.....and that David could articulate that for himself, and have it repeated in the New Testament Gospels accounting Jesus' death kind of blows my mind.  God is truly Omnipotent and omniscient....all-powerful and all-knowing. 

God sent His Son......they call Him Jesus.....He came to heal and to forgive......but what a price He paid.  Imagine the restraint of the perfect Father, to not rain down Holy Fire when they were beating His precious Son.  Imagine the boiling pot of wrath that must have been ready to explode when they tortured Him so much, for hours and days.....and He held back for me.  And for you.  He resisted the urge to sweep down and rescue Jesus so that the unity could be reconciled, between us and Himself.  He loved us enough to not do what the Father's Heart would have ached to do....so that we could all be adopted in, accepted in, welcomed in to the Kingdom of Heaven. 

"You have found favor with me, daughter."  wow.  Not worthy, don't get it, but will absolutely accept it.  Yes, Jesus.  Yes.

Holy Week day 2

Today the reading is Psalm 22: 1-8.  The cry of David, in his dispair is the same as that of Christ on the cross.  I've cried out similar words, feeling like God was not near enough.....and then verse 8:  "He trusts in the Lord; let the Lord rescue him.  Let him deliver him, since he delights in  him."

Lord, let us delight in you.  Let us find joy in you today.

Holy Week

Some friends and I are working through a series of scripture for Holy Week.  Join us if you wish.  Yesterday we looked at Isaiah 52:13-15.  We considered the promise that Jesus would be raised and lifted up and highly exalted...and then we took a few moments to think about how badly He was beaten.  So badly that he was unrecognizable....and all for the sin of others.

Today the reading is Isaiah 53:1-6.  I pray that if you choose to look at this, that the Holy Spirit will reveal something special for you here.  I pray for a fresh understanding and new lessons from these ancient words.  When I read this, this morning, the passage that stuck with me was this:  "We all, like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to his own way, and the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all."  My kids would think it very unfair if I put the blame and punishment for all of them on just one.  One of them would never accept such unwarranted guilt.  That in itself is huge.  Jesus paid it all.  Jesus took it all, without one complaint.  Some of my sins are pretty big.  He took those.  Some of my sins seem small and unnoticed...like quietly turning my own way throughout the day.  Strangely, this little one is the big conviction for me today.  I underlined the phrase ...each of us has turned to his own way......some time ago when I studied this passage before.  In the margin I wrote  "threatens intimacy".

When I turn to my own way, I am turning from Jesus, I am saying "no thanks" to a close love and awareness of him.  When I turn to my own way, I'm snubbing him, believing I can handle this one on my own.  That likely leads me further from Jesus, into a path of sin, and right into the devil's snare....more and more sin. My first sin each day, is turning to my own way....and this iniquity was laid upon Him way back before I was born, as He prepared to go to the cross. 

Lord, I am so sorry for my sin.  I don't want to turn away from you.  I want to see you every time I turn.  I want your glory to shine around me and I want to know where you are always so that I am not walking away.  Give me a longing for your presence and a strong pull to be obedient to you and not to my own will!  I can't do it on my own.  I'm just a stupid sheep that wanders off without thinking about it.  Keep me close, Lord.  Tie a rope around my neck if you have to and give it a yank once in awhile.  I don't want to go my own way.  I've tried it and it didn't work.  Your way is the only way.  You are the only Way.  Jesus.  I am sorry that my sin put you on the cross. 

bonding

Today I picked Precious up from daycare and we had about an hour before the kids got off the bus.  First we read books.  She has developed a love for Veggie Tales, specifically Bob the Tomato.  Then we got on You tube and looked at videos of Silly Songs with Larry....for about 5 minutes.  Then we did puzzles and shape-sorters.  Next we rolled around on the floor and tickled and laughed.  We took a brief break and had a snack.  I then introduced her to play-dough.  We sat at the table for about 20 minutes with play-dough.  How fun is that?  My little preemie daughter, my fragile flower is now old enough for play-dough and about an hour of quality time with mom.  Sweet.  I had visions of home-made crafts, baking cookies and coloring together in the months and years to come.  I have always been absolutely nuts for babies, but I have to admit that I celebrate and rejoice in the growing up parts, too. 

I don't think we'll be having more babies at our house.  I'm pretty sure (Roger is abundantly sure) that Miss P is the last one.  We are systematically giving away and selling our baby gear.  Its ok.  It really is.  Our nest is full and rich and blessed.  When I ache for the orphans, I get to be an intercessor, I get to encourage other adoptive families.  I get to go to India and say "yes" to what God is doing there.  When my arms ache to hold a newborn babe, I simply need to go to work and do some visits.  When I need to rock a soft little bundle to sleep I can go visit friends who have babies.  Someday soon I may even sleep through the night more than every other night.  I'm entitled.  I'm older than some grandmas. 

I'm not gonna act like a grandma.  Even if I have a birthday coming in 2 weeks.  I'm going to continue to roll around on the floor with my toddler and stay up later than I should.  I will get my hair cut and colored next week and do everything I can to stay active for my very active nest-ful of birdies.  I had so much fun bonding with my littlest bird today.  My nest was so much fun.

This is our sweet Jeremiah Calvin. God did not create a kinder, more giving and lovable creature than this dear boy. Today is his 7th birthday. We are so grateful to be able to celebrate him today! His gift in life it so make everyone around him happy. He is a pleaser, a lover, a silly goof-ball , a great hugger and just a treasure to know. When I try to see him through God's eyes, I see a David, a man after God's own heart. We love you, buddy! Hope this day is wonderful just like you!

this is a test

?? If you've heard rumors about me going to India, then consider this.  If you read the blog, you are looking for some explanation.  Call me.  Sit with me awhile.  Listen to me and talk with me.  This is a test, its only a test.  If you follow my blog, you have an idea.  You will ask.  If not, you will wonder.

Understand this.  When we sit and talk about why I am going to India for 2 weeks, please know that we are going to talk about Jesus.  This is not spa day retreat or resort vacation.  This is not the pursuit of happiness and luxury and comfort.  This is the fellowship of the suffering and the call to worship and looking at where God is working and finding Him there. 

This trip to India is likely not even about me.  It seldom is.  My children are beginning to understand prayers like this:  Lord, help me to want the things you want, rather than what makes me feel comfortable and safe and happy.....

This is a test.  It is only a test.  I just wonder who is being tested here. 

cultural diversity

I do ongoing cultural diversity training for my job as a public health nurse.  It is important to continue to learn about the lives, the values, the heartbeat of all of the different cultures we encounter.  It enables me, as a nurse, to be more sensitive, more aware, more thorough in how I interact with people.  I can build on strengths and understand weakness with more empathy and purpose.  Cultural diversity is important.  We all live in cultures.  We all exist in a set of values, experiences, passions and hopes.  Sometimes those hopes and feelings and values blend and mesh together.  It is in these times that life becomes more artistic.  I love these times.  Today was such a day.  I had a conversation with a latina woman who was married at 15, I invited a man from India over for dinner to ask questions and learn from him, and I rocked my African American daughter to sleep while I admired my dutch artwork, hanging on the wall.  I smiled at my Christian "Faith" and "Jesus" words in my family room as I considered my Indian friend's Punjabi roots and had passing thoughts of the latina woman's Catholic observation of Lent.  Culture is rich in purpose and history and meaning.  I don't want to ignore it, I want to understand and share and love because I think that Jesus might feel the same way.  It would have been great for me if He had been sitting in the chair beside me tonight, as I thought about all these things.  I would have loved to have a conversation with Him about how He sees us all.

conversation

"So, Roger.  About this trip to India....what are you thinking?  I mean, give me a range here of the least number and most number of orphans I should be planning to adopt.  It will help when I go if I know what you are thinking about that."  Roger is watching the golf tournament, with Precious sleeping, tucked into his armpit.  "Well, I'd say the number I have in mind for the least and most is pretty close to the same thing...since its zero."  "Oh!  Really?"  "Yes.  Really."  Smiling now.  "Well hun, its good to get that straightened out before I go.  I guess if I'm not going to plan to adopt another child or two, that means I will just plan to adopt the entire orphanage.  All 80 or so kids in the abandoned, special needs care homes.  Yep.  That's what I'll do.  I may not pick out all their clothes every day or tuck them each in every night, but in my heart, I can adopt the whole works."  "Nice we got that settled then."

India

Our India trip is moving along.  We are talking alot about India at our home.  My passport is renewed, my visa was approved as of yesterday.  Deanne and I are talking daily now, discussing flights, dates, immunizations, revelations, epiphonies, God-moments and fears.  We hope to get our flights booked Monday at the latest but it is a very complicated thing and the connecting flights have to be long enough for all the details so we don't get lost. 

Please pray for us and for our families and for all the details to move in God's will.  Its only 2 weeks, its just a small drop in the big bucket of things, but its my drop.  I've had a pull for India for a long time.  I've had a love for Indian women and children for almost 20 years.  I finally get to go.  It's going to be expensive and exhausting and intense and maybe even life-changing.  It's my drop in the big bucket. 

This is a calling.  Just as our adoption was a calling, so is this.  I am compelled and I can't not go.  God has something for me to do there.  I get to join in and agree with Him, where He is working, in India.  I cannot wait to experience Indian culture, to share in the worship and love and service that my friends there are a part of.  I cannot wait to grow and learn and stretch and become more of what God has planned. 

We are looking closely at airfares, we are trying to be vigilent about dates and times and connections.  Soon I can post a list of things we can take along to leave there for our friends.  The orphanages have many needs and the school of worship also has some.  I'll get my list together and post it.  Please consider donating, either financially or with supplies on the list.  Its not for me, but it is to add to the drop in the bucket.  Maybe a donation could be your drop.

Today I attended a breastfeeding conference for work.  It was a good refresher with some new information so it was time well-spent.  I do a great deal of breastfeeding education for my work and always, as I sit and absorb information, it becomes personal as well.  I look at my own experiences with my kids.  Being a mom is just so important to me.  It infuses every other thing I do in a way that nothing else does.  Except maybe Christianity.  So I am sitting in the class for 8 hours and am learning and it becomes all about Precious Maryn.  And what she did not have.  She did not have breast milk, or the breast-feeding experience.  She did not have the skin-to-skin contact at birth that is so important for her body and her brain.  She did not have the really significant things that she needed, because she was coming to us, and not staying with her birth mom.  I sat there quietly taking notes, but grieving for my beautiful daughter who deserved to be snuggled and cried over and  photographed with gushing praises, in the seconds after she entered the world.  She deserved breast milk and lots of time staring into her face, commenting on how beautiful she was.  Her story was different.  She was born in a flurry of noise and chaos, in the emergency room, under a sheet with no one to catch her, greet her, validate her.  I believe God hit the pause button for Precious Maryn.  I believe she didn't hear much or feel much for 10 whole days, until she felt the arms of her mom and dad and heard our voices and looked into our eyes.  I believe God let it all resume when she was placed in our arms and our hearts.  I have to. 

So now, when she demands to fall asleep on our laps and sleep on our chests at night, when she wants undivided attention and excessive amounts of energy....it's because she deserves it now and forever.  She didn't get what she should have gotten initially, but she.....is.....getting.....it.....now.

a holiday

Today, April 6, marks a family holiday.  On this day, 17 years ago, a young Roger drove up in his white Thunderbird to take me for a date.  It was mostly a blind date and we were mostly set up by mutual acquaintences.  I was very nervous and actually cut classes for my nurses training that day, to come home early and find something nice to wear.  After tearing through my closet and my house mate's, I then went to my mom's of course.  I found a nice blazer.  that's all I remember.  I'm sure I had pants and shoes on but I won't forget the blazer.  Later he said he liked that I wore a blazer....but haven't worn once since.  :)  Every year on April 6 we remember to eat chinese food because that's where we went for our first date, out for chinese.  The only time in 17 years we forgot was when our dear sis Lois got married.  So we ate Chinese on the 8th that year.  Happy Anniversary, Dale and Lois, and happy 1st date for us.  My stomach is full of chinese veggies and noodles and crab rangoons.  Yum, yum. 

I'm sure glad he came that day.  And for the date after that, when an angel showed me I would marry him.  I'm very glad I did.  Love you, hun.

Psalm 34:19..."A Righteous man may have many troubles but the Lord delivers him from them all." 

That's my verse for the day.  That and the one that says, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."

There is no particular reason for needing to claim these verses today, but they are speaking truth to me so I will.  I don't have any big hurdles to overcome today, no difficult task to perform.  I think that's the beauty of it.  The Lord God, creator of the universe, the seasons, life itself.....wrote these precious words for us.  He wrote them for the big and the small things.  For the monumental days and the mundane ones.  He actually cares that I may have many troubles in my day today and He promises to deliver me from them all, if I just claim righteousness.  Dead on, Lord!  I choose to live righteous today!  I say yes to whatever I can do to be in right-living and right-standing before your eyes today.  Help me to do this Lord.  Oh yeah, that's right.  I mess up.  Alot.  I fall short alot, I forget alot.  I am not righteous and will fail.  Will you deliver me anyway?  What's that?  Speak up, I think I heard a yes from you?  What's that you whispered to me?  Oh.  I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength?  You're right.  Its not me at all.  It is your son, Christ crucified and risen, who has the strength to be righteous and to survive the big and small things of this day.  May I remember Christ today, and may it strengthen me to reflect you and to do the best I can today.  Love you, Lord.  Thanks.

Sabboth rest

It will be a sad day when Precious Maryn's long legs are so long that they no longer tuck beneath her on my lap.  For now, I can still type on my laptop, just past her bum as she snores quietly on my chest.  I'm pretty sure if I have to choose between holding my growing toddler and playing on the computer, the toddler will win.  She's softer and smells much better than the computer. 

Today is Sunday and we get to excercise the rest of Sabboth day.  Jewish people recognize it on Saturday and many clergy families choose a different day of the week to set apart and dial down, rest, recover, play and recharge spiritual batteries.  Today is rare because no one in our family has any responsibilites at church this week.  No praise team or nursery duty, etc.  We also get to go have Sunday dinner at my parents' which is an extra special treat.  My mom is an amazing cook. 

The anticipation of a long day stretched out with no stress or nerves or sickness (that's right, everyone is either completely healthy or on so many meds you can't tell the difference!), is so sweet its almost like the first day of vacation.  I am so grateful that God wants us to take a day each week to do as little as possible.  I am so grateful that everything inside of me screams, "YES!" when such a day is dawning. 

The sun is just starting to rise on the Sabboth day of rest.  Worship music is playing in the background and in my rocking chair, in my quiet room, I find rest!

So its Friday night and life is improving, healing has come!  Claire has started feeling better hour by hour.  We went to the clinic and she was negative for strep and Influenza.  This is crazy since Precious was positive for Influenza and they had the same symptoms.  Precious also had an ear infection and today Jeremiah was diagnosed with an ear infection and a bruised but not broken elbow after a wrestling match with his brother yesterday.  I guess its a good thing we quit with 4 children.  Isaac, so far, is flying under the radar.  As we all know, its all or nothing with him!  I am so grateful, and hopeful, that we are on the mend here!